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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25018306">Still Breathing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/maiqueti/pseuds/maiqueti'>maiqueti</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Take Us Back [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Post-Canon Fix-It, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, it's gonna be rough tho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:41:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>42,878</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25018306</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/maiqueti/pseuds/maiqueti</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellie had wanted to die many times in her short life. Yet she was still alive somehow. Breathing the pure air of the mountains and the woods around her, feeling the warm light of the sun on her burned skin, beaten, ripped and bitten. Twice. </p><p>Destiny was cruel like that.</p><p>She knew she was walking towards more pain and open wounds that would never heal. But if there was only one glimpse of light beyond the tunnel, she needed to find it. Somehow.</p><p> </p><p>- Ellie comes back to Jackson to face her demons and try to move forward after giving up her pursue of revenge. -</p><p>[Complete]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie &amp; Joel (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Take Us Back [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1862398</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>216</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>907</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I'm not here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It's been a while since a story broke me so badly that I needed to write for it. </p><p>Be ready for a lot of grief, pain and most importantly, overcoming the vast emptiness this masterpiece made many of us feel. No words that I write here can make it justice, but here I am trying, regardless.</p><p>(Just for the sake of clarification, english is not my first language and I don't have a beta reader for this, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Ellie sat down. It felt like it had been so long since she could just… stop for a brief moment to catch her breath. Her hands grasped the soft fabric of the couch under them, her nails digging deep into it, in an effort to stop the shaking.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Her blood shot eyes filled with tears were focused on the boards of the floor. Every time she blinked she could see the blood, smell it. Hear the wet and disgusting sound of flesh being ripped off of Nora’s skull with every swing of the pipe. She could hear her own struggle to breath, shallow and loud. Silent whimpers stuck in her throat. She tried to take a deep breath, but the shaking and twitching of every muscle was too tight. She couldn’t even begin to feel the air inside her lungs as she gasped for more and more. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Dina walked towards her, cautious, almost as if Ellie was some wounded and crazy animal that could jump at her with any sudden motion she made. Her deep, dark eyes were tainted with a pain Ellie couldn’t stand, she couldn’t even look at her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Arms up.” Dina said, with a gesture of her hand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> With all the strength Ellie could muster, she complied, raising her arms above her head. Softly, Dina pulled the sticky shirt off her frame, uncovering every inch of bloody and broken skin hidden underneath.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A shiver ran down Ellie’s spine at the soft touch of Dina’s fingers behind her neck. The shorter girl sat down and gently, slowly, started to clean up Ellie's wounds. With each contact, Ellie could feel her skin crawl. The silence was maddening, but the sound of her own broken voice made reality fall apart almost in front of her eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I made her talk.” Ellie muttered, her lower lip trembling almost uncontrollably. She covered her mouth with shaky fingers and exhaled in horror at her own actions. She couldn’t even blink. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey… it’s okay.” Dina whispered. She leaned against Ellie’s back, holding her, surrounding her with her warm soft arms. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie flinched slightly at the contact but rested her hands on Dina’s forearm in a need to make sure it was real. That she was really there. The only real thing she could feel that wasn’t that fog of panic that was clouding her judgement. The warmth of Dina’s breath on her shoulder felt real. It had to be. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I don’t wanna lose you.” Ellie whispered, her voice carrying all the desperation she felt. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Good.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ellie shook her head to get rid of her vivid memories. They would come, play like a movie in her head at the most unexpected moments, taking her breath away. Almost as if something in her mind was trying to force her to remember every detail with painful accuracy.</p><p>She found herself walking at a very slow pace on a dirt path she knew as well as the palm of her hand. Her feet would take her on their own, without bothering to ask for consent. She would just walk forward, one foot after the other, pushed by a feeling she wasn’t able to translate into words. Her hands were shaking, her stomach was cramped in a painful knot and the bile kept creeping up her throat, making the world look out of focus, fractured. There wasn’t an inch of her skin that didn’t hurt or itched. She clenched her fists and the phantom pain from her missing fingers made her wince in response.</p><p>“What are you doing?” She muttered to herself, forcing her pace to a halt and looking at the bright blue sky over her head. “What the fuck are you doing, Ellie?”</p><p>She had made herself that question so many times in the last three and a half months that the words have lost all meaning to her. </p><p>All sense of direction had dissipated the moment she opened the front door of the place she considered home and found it empty, covered in dust. The eerie atmosphere of a place that was usually warm and welcoming, now abandoned and quiet. It felt more than empty. The absence of her family there, their material things, the smell of homemade food, the soft babblings of JJ… it all hit her with a force she couldn’t stand. </p><p>Her resolution crumbled to pieces after she found all her things stored in one room, abandoned and forgotten. Her already wrecked world became dust the moment she sat with Joel’s guitar and couldn’t produce the melody that would bring her back to her senses. There was only emptiness, a deep and desperating void that threatened to suck the very little will she had left in her bones.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Come back to bed. Let’s talk about it in the morning.” Dina said, her voice controlled yet fear very present in her dark eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I have to finish it.” Ellie replied coldly, empty, her face contorted in a mock of hatred that furrowed her brow and showed her teeth. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She was exhausted. Exhausted of all the senseless violence she had been responsible for. Exhausted of all the consequences that came with it. Sick of the loss and the weight she was carrying, her own flaws that made her dig up all the pain back to the surface to justify the unjustifiable. </p><p>As many other times before, she wondered why. Why she was unable to let go of the bad things that struck her. She held onto them, kept them so close to her heart… She could have done so many things. She could have had so much time to dive deep into what was good for her. But instead, she chose to let time slip through her fingers by choosing anger and hatred over love. In the end it had taken everything away; her family, her music, herself.<br/>
<br/>
And it was no one’s fault but hers. She felt like an addict, too tangled up to let go.</p><p>Ellie had wanted to die many times in her short life. Yet she was still alive somehow. Breathing the pure air of the mountains and the woods around her, feeling the warm light of the sun on her burned skin, beaten, ripped and bitten. Twice. </p><p>Destiny was cruel like that.</p><p>Ellie closed her eyes, took a deep breath, filling her lungs as much as she could and released a pained sigh. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “So what, I’m just supposed to sit here and wait for you, for god knows how long, just thinking you’re fucking dead the entire time?” Dina snapped at her, her voice shaky and broken. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie didn’t flinch. Didn’t move. Dina’s pain hurt her, but it wasn’t enough to put out the violent fire in her chest. “I don’t plan on dying.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Fucking liar.” Ellie muttered to herself. </p><p>She readjusted the backpack she was carrying, grabbing it’s stripes like every time she was anxious or nervous. The weight that had been a sense of comfort on her back was now asphyxiating, suffocating. She had no idea what she was doing. She probably never did since she saw Joel’s face bashed in, crushed in a bloody mess, erasing the features of the man she loved like a father, even if she had never said it out loud. Joel was a complicated man to love.</p><p>She wanted to forgive, but she didn’t give herself the chance to. And now, there was no one left to hear her out.</p><p>With one final look over her shoulder, towards the farm she had just left at the other side of the treeline, her feet resumed their walk through the woods. She knew she was walking towards more pain and open wounds that would never heal. But if there was only one glimpse of light beyond the tunnel, she needed to find it. Somehow.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. All my stolen missing parts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Grief is a bitch, y'all</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Returning to Jackson was as hard as Ellie expected. Somehow, she was ready to face the music for her actions, for all the hurt she had caused and for her decisions. Yet, she wasn’t ready to be wrapped up in a tight hug as soon as she crossed the entrance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She certainly didn’t think she deserved that kind of warmth and human contact. After so long being completely on her own, with her desire of revenge as her only company through hot days and cold nights, Ellie had no idea how to react when Maria simply squeezed her with a mix of relief and sadness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you’re back.” Maria said with a broken voice. Then she released the girl, rested her hands on her shoulders and stared at her with a glance that conveyed all her authority and severity. “You are such a dumbass. It’s been almost three months! What were you thinking, Ellie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” She simply replied, looking away. She couldn’t stand looking at Maria’s face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The woman didn’t pry. She simply sighed and released Ellie with a powerless gesture and then pointed with her head down the road. “Come on. You don’t look good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie sighed and followed her. She was sure her words were an understatement. Suddenly very conscious of every lookout and inhabitant of Jackson looking at her, she hid her hands inside her pockets and kept her eyes on the floor. Whatever lecture Maria had rehearsed in her head was probably nothing in comparison with what Ellie had been saying to herself during her short trip back to the town.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Little had changed since the last time she had been there. Dirt streets were crowded with people coming and going, minding their own business, yet many eyes stumbled on her. Some people even tapped their companion’s shoulders and whispered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was the problem with small towns, Ellie thought. Everyone knew each other. She could name every single one of the people they crossed paths with all the way to Maria’s house. She could almost feel the judgement on their gaze, and despite how uncomfortable she felt, it was deserved after everything she did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Time had stopped for her for a while when she was on the road. Her focus was only her goal, almost as if time had stopped its march. Seeing the town as alive as she remembered, struck her harshly. Time never stopped, she just stopped caring at some point.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Leave your shoes outside.” Maria ordered as she opened the front door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie did so without a sound, leaving her boots at the side of the entrance and walking in behind Maria. The soft click of the door closing startled her briefly and she looked around, unsure of how to behave, or what to do. She felt off, like she didn’t belong to a place that was so tidy and clean. She noticed a few pictures resting flat on the coffee table in the living room, hidden. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maria took her bag and weapons, left them next to the door, guided her to the kitchen and with a simple gesture, she ordered Ellie to sit down at the table. Silently, the girl simply followed her orders without objection. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dina told me what Tommy did.” Maria said as she got to work on something on the counter. She kept grabbing things from the cupboards, moving with the proficient efficiency of someone that had done so a million times before. Ellie winced at the mention of that name. “He had no right to do that. He has been… lost after you guys came back from Seattle and he had no better idea than drag you down with him. Damned fool.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maria’s tone was so bitter and angry that it took a few seconds for Ellie to find her voice. When she finally spoke, it sounded raspy, raw and broken. “It wasn’t his fault.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ellie, he…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was my choice.” Ellie interrupted her, her eyes nailed to a random spot on the table. She kept rubbing her hands in awkwardness under the wooden surface, wincing every time she ordered her missing fingers to move. “It’s not Tommy’s fault that I’m so stupid. I fucked up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You did.” Maria said flatly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie stared at her with a frown at the sudden harshness in her tone. The woman simply left a plate with bread and eggs in front of her, and a glass of water. Ellie stared at the food in confusion, unable to connect the dots, unable to understand why she wasn’t being punished.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maria rolled her eyes and pointed at the plate with impatience. “Eat. You look like you’re going to disappear as soon as I blink.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sight of the food made Ellie sick to her stomach right away. She hadn’t been hungry in a long while and anything she was able to consume was always a waste, ending as a pool of puke on the ground. She could barely keep water down these days and really she didn’t care much, but Maria’s glare was enough warning for her to at least try to grab a bite.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maria sighed in frustration and then sat on the nearest chair, resting her hands on the table. She stared at Ellie’s lazy attempts to eat. “Tell me what happened. Please.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The flash of pain almost knocked her out. The taste of iron and salt assaulted her mouth, and the world twisted and bent. Suddenly there was no up or down, right or left. Her vision was a blur that no matter how many times she blinked, it was still there.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie raised her head and the sight of the woman standing in front of her, a shadow of who she once was, turned the fog in her head red once again. Every time she blinked she saw Joel’s face, swollen and broken, blood pouring out from his open wounds. His only good eye barely open, looking at her without really seeing. How unresponsive he was to her pleas.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie proffered an unarticulated war cry and launched herself against Abby, gathering all the strength she had left in one punch. She could feel the loud crack under her knuckles as the hit connected, breaking some of her teeth in the process. It felt good, it felt rewarding. Seeing the tall and strong woman cry in pain and fall to her knees was a sight for her sore eyes.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Another growl of raw hatred escaped Ellie’s lips as another punch landed on Abby’s head. Then another. Then another, until the woman finally fell down, exhausted and unable to respond. Ellie’s hands closed around her neck and pushed her head under the water. She squeezed as hard as she could, feeling how tense and hard Abby’s muscles were as she struggled to breathe.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The water was red, stained by the blood, sweat and tears. Ellie pushed harder and harder, an unknown feeling assaulting her with every fleeting attempt from the woman to stop her. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Then the soft tunes of a guitar loud in her ears struck her, turning her hatred into shock, like a candle that was blown.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie shook her head and left the fork on the table. She rested her elbows on the surface and covered her face with her hands, earning a gasp from Maria when she noticed her mutilated fingers. Ellie could feel her own hands shaking uncontrollably.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I followed her… to Santa Barbara.” She said with her voice broken. A few tears were already rolling down her face and she dried them with impatience. She looked at Maria in the eye. “She was prisoner of a camp along the coast… I found her tied up to a pole. Starved and tortured.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jesus…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I freed her and… I forced her to fight me.” Ellie shook her head and bit her lower lip with an ironic smile. As she told the story, it sounded like a very sick joke.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maria rested one hand on her arm and squeezed, but her eyes were cold, narrowed and severe as she stared. “Did you kill her?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie sighed. “No. I didn’t kill her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That wasn’t the answer Maria was expecting. She covered her mouth with one hand briefly, her blue eyes wide open in surprise and a glimpse of relief took over her tired features. She suddenly looked a lot older than she was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad at least someone didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>completely </span>
  </em>
  <span>lost their goddamned mind…” She said, shaking her head. Her glance was a lot warmer now, bright with tears. “Are you planning on staying?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” Ellie said, leaning back on the chair. She clicked her tongue in frustration at her own lack of resolve and direction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That is not good enough, Ellie.” Maria said with severity. “You need to decide. And commit. You know everyone here pulls their own weight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wasn’t even sure I had a place here anymore, after…” Ellie said and then interrupted herself with a mock of disgust. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She couldn’t even pronounce Dina’s name. It was childish and stupid, but the tightness in her stomach intensified. She couldn’t help but think throwing up in the middle of Maria’s kitchen wasn’t the best way to be grateful for the undeserved hospitality.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not gonna be easy, honey.” Maria agreed with a sad smile. She could read Ellie like an open book, after all those years. “Dina and JJ… went through a lot. We gave them a small flat close to Jesse’s parents after they left the farm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie made a noncommittal sound with her throat and then sighed. She couldn’t help but feel relief at the fact that they came back to Jackson as she hoped. Just as easy, the relief was replaced by an overwhelming guilt that threatened to crush her chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re so alike Joel…” Maria said with a sad smile. “Making one of you guys talk about feelings is harder than taking out a bloater with a knife.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie snorted at the comparison, but she had to admit Maria had a solid point there. She tried to ignore how his name made her skin hurt. She toyed with the food on her plate for a while longer, unable to get more than a few bites in, but Maria didn’t push her too much. The woman seemed to feel sorry for her, beyond her hard exterior.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you should talk to her once she’s back.” Maria said, pursing her lips. “You know how is Jackson with the… gossip. And considering how everyone was staring at you today, this rumor will travel quite fast.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Back from where?” Ellie frowned, taken by surprise. She couldn’t imagine Dina going anywhere without JJ.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She has been taking patrol routes lately.” Maria said. She rearranged her faded blond hair behind one of her ears, as if she was playing for time. “I couldn’t talk her down. She needed to keep her mind off things. But don’t worry, you know how capable she is better than anyone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie nodded, trying to ignore the heavy feeling pressing her chest. Dina knew how to handle herself. Hell, she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>deadly</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Fast, careful and a great shot. Dina had saved her many times from her own recklessness. Ellie tried to shake off the awful memories from Seattle, still vivid in her mind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a few minutes of awkward silence, Maria cleared her throat. “Your old home is still vacant. No one had occupied since you moved out, so… I’m… not sure if staying at Joel’s place would be good for you right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. I… I don’t think I can handle that yet.” Ellie said, fighting back a new wave of nausea pressing her stomach. She clenched her hands into fists to stop them from shaking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay. I’ll make sure you have supplies and some clean clothes.” Maria sighed and stood up from her chair. She looked at Ellie with intent. “Let’s get you checked at the clinic.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m fine.” Ellie cut her short a little harsher than she intended, making her earnest to keep Maria’s gaze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not. But I know you well enough to know you will just skip it if I give you a choice.” Maria said with a hint of weariness in her tone. “Come on. Let’s get you settled.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The quiet and melancholic sound of the guitar filled the night. Joel bounced his head at its rhythm, as he softly strum the strings of the instrument, lost in its bittersweet notes. The sound of her steps on the porch made Joel raise his gaze and stop playing all together, his eyes wide in surprise.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey” He greeted her with a hint of disbelief.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie looked at him for a brief moment and then, her eyes pulled away. She wasn’t sure what to say about what happened at the gathering. She didn’t know exactly where to begin to address what she wanted to say. She simply walked towards the wooden railing and rested her hands on it, trying to look for the right words.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Joel joined her soon after, a steaming mug between his wrinkled hands and an unsure demeanor Ellie had seen many times before.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She sighed and looked briefly at his mug. “What’re you drinking?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Coffee” Joel’s raw and low voice was almost a shy whisper in the night.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie had to held back to not snort and frowned in confusion. Coffee wasn’t exactly something easy to get, not even at Jackson. “Where’d you get that?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Uh, those people that came through last week? I’m a little embarrassed of what I had to trade to get it but it’s not bad.” Joel took a slow sip from his mug, silently.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie simply stared at him for a moment, trying to find the words she wanted to say. It wasn’t easy at all, so she decided to start from the simplest of things. “I had Seth under control.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She knew Joel meant well by intervening after the bartender insulted her and Dina. But she knew she could handle it. Everytime Joel tried to act like a father, it made her feel uncomfortable, almost as she hadn’t grown up since they met years ago.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah, I know.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“And you need to stop harassing Jesse about my patrols.” Ellie continued, her voice firm this time. With edge.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Joel simply nodded. “Okay.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>As Ellie continued to struggle with the awkward silence and the harshness of what she wanted to say, that didn’t sound quite right in her head, Joel spoke once again.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Dina. Is she your girlfriend?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No!” Ellie could almost feel how her ears turned red in shame. If she had to think about the answer, she knew exactly what that was. Dina was just like that with everyone. She was witty and funny and had that aura of confidence that was impossible to ignore. She handled herself in a way that any flirting was just Dina being Dina. And Ellie was just a girl. Not a threat to any man who would want Dina’s undivided attention. “No, that was just one kiss it doesn't mean anything… I don’t know why she did it.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“But you do like her.” Joel said, with a hint of a sad smile hidden behind his gray beard.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie sighed and rubbed her chin on her shoulder. She did, of course. She liked Dina since the first time she saw her when they were younger. For years. But she rather had Dina as a friend than lose her because she overstepped. She felt frustrated and dumb by her own inability to understand or process what happened with her just a few moments ago.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m so stupid.” She whispered to herself.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Look, I have no idea what that girl’s intentions are, but…” Joel said softly. “I do know that she would be lucky to have you.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And there Joel was, once again, caring, pushing, insisting on occupying a role he didn’t deserve. He tried so hard, over and over again that made Ellie dig up all the bottled up anger she felt towards him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re such an asshole.” She spat suddenly, unable to hold back her temper.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m not trying to…” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I was supposed to die in that hospital.” Ellie cut him off in anger. She wouldn’t feel all these complex emotions she couldn’t quite untangle if her desire was fulfilled back then. If her choice was respected. She swallowed audibly, her jaw set in tension as she tried to hold back her tears. “My life would have fucking mattered. But you took that from me.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie knew very well she didn’t mean anything. Her life was just a moment that couldn’t end too soon. She should have died when she lost Riley but she didn’t. She was immune. She should have died at that hospital. It would have made sense, it would have a deeper, more important meaning than this useless stumbling in the dark, just passing the days as they went with no hope for the future.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Joel sighed, left the mug over the railing and looked at her with those dark and serious eyes of him. It was a long hard look, filled with pain and love in equal parts.  “If somehow the lord gave me a second chance at that moment… I would do it all over again.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie couldn’t help but notice how old Joel looked at that moment. How tired and worn out the man was, after years of struggling for forgiveness. After years of all but begging her to understand why he made the choice he made. She was furious at him for it but right then, in that moment, she could see how much pain and suffering she was inflicting on him for caring. It was unfair of her.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah.” Ellie sighed, her fire vanishing suddenly. “I just… I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Joel simply nodded in understanding. He had always been like that. He kept trying silently, even when he was beaten down and hurt by her. Every single time, he would just accept it, keep his feelings inside his chest and keep going. There wasn’t a moment he wasn’t trying to make up for what he did.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“But I would like to try.” Ellie said, and she meant it. She meant every single word.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And she could see how that sentence was what Joel had hoped to hear for a long time. He swallowed and looked away, his raw and strangled voice barely audible as he tried with all his might to keep the tears at bay. “I’d like that.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie sighed and rested one hand on the tombstone she hadn’t visited in a long time. The memory of that last conversation haunted her, the vivid memory of how she didn’t know what to do with Joel’s hopeful glances and tears of gratitude and relief. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She felt so stupid. All those years pushing him away only made their time together shorter. Just as she accepted that she wanted to at least try to overcome that dark side of her, so stubborn and relentless, Joel was gone. Whatever reasons Abby had to do what she did to him… all her thirst of blood and revenge was her own doing. She hated herself for wasting all that time, time she couldn’t get back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How she inflicted pain in others and herself in her futile search for justice, the equivalent of tying up a noose around her neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Joel.” She whispered, her fingers caressing the name carved in the stone. “I’m sorry I was so stubborn. I guess I somewhat understand what I put you through now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie deserved it. She deserved all the pain and suffering as punishment for her misguided actions and her bad choices. There was no one that was responsible for the massacre that followed. For the people she left behind to fulfill a selfish desire for revenge.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you’d wanted me to do.” Ellie said softly. “I don’t know if you wanted me to kill her for it… if you wanted me to move on. I wish you were here to tell me one of those old fashioned advices like you used to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Silence ensued, only disturbed by the soft breeze that flew through the empty graveyard. Ellie’s hand dropped from the stone and took one of the flowers resting on the ground. They were fresh, small and white petals. At least Joel hasn’t been too lonely despite her absence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I should have died. But I’m still here.” Ellie said, shaking her head. “I can guess that’s what you wanted, at least.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Next to her, inside the cramped Apollo Eleven cabin, Joel looked at her with bright eyes and a soft smile on his face. Then, his features turned grim, almost as if a random thought had taken all his fleeting happiness away.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I do okay?” He asked, unable to hold her gaze.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck.” Ellie muttered, closing her eyes with all the strength she could muster. A couple of tears rolled down her bruised cheeks and she hugged herself in a futile attempt to make her skin stop hurting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a bit of effort and a groan of pain, Ellie stood up from the ground. She would have to live with all that now. She only hoped that at some point, those memories brought back more joy than pain. But not that night.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She rested her hand on the tombstone as a farewell, her fingers itching for the warm contact she would never have again. Then left the graveyard with more questions than answers and a deep, anchored desire of feeling Joel’s embrace at least one more time.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Goodness and mercy will follow me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie’s eyes toured the room, filled with props and sceneries from an ancient time, scattered around. She looked like a hunter eager to catch the prey. Her muscles were tense, holding her gun firmly and ready, one finger resting on the trigger.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The salty waves caressed her ankles but she was so focused on finding the enemy, that she wasn’t able to pay attention at the absurdity of her surroundings.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The murmur of hushed and splashy steps at the other side of a cardboard wall made her turn around, her weapon ready, her sight red. A bulky shadow at the other side made her pull the trigger, the sound echoing in the massive room, bouncing around.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Another heavy breathing whisper, closer this time. Her feet moved swiftly, her eyes ready to locate her enemy, the threat. Another bullet left the gun, crushing the wooden box behind her, leaving a dark hole in it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The tension in her stomach was almost unbearable, but she could keep it in the back of her mind. The fear had been replaced by a burning, relentless hatred she had no control over. It was like an addiction, the more hatred and anger she felt, the more she needed. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The whistle of a bottle flying towards her made her turn her head around in surprise and the impact of the glass on her face threw her off balance.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“FUCK!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A war cry echoed around her and before she could respond to the threat, she knew it was already too late. Abby got to her, her massive fists landing on her over and over with brutal force. She could feel how her eyes started to close, the taste of salt and iron in her mouth, the awful sound of her own blood drowning her, painting the walls of her throat. It burned with every breath she took.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She raised her weapon in a futile attempt to defend herself and a second later, she knew her arm was now broken with an awful snap. Her fingers dropped the gun they held a second before and it splashed into the sea, lost forever. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was the end. Abby was hunched over her with a scowl, her eyes trying to take in her factions as she crushed Ellie’s face, over and over. Ellie didn’t fight back. She was done. It had to end somehow, and if it was like that, then so be it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It felt almost peaceful to be beaten to death. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Abby pushed Ellie’s head under the line of the water, squeezing her neck, choking her. She could feel how her life was finally slipping away as water and blood filled her lungs.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Suddenly, Abby disappeared. The person choking Ellie wasn’t Abby anymore. Not the Abby that murdered Joel, not the broken Abby she freed at the beach. She had a broken face, beaten up eyes filled with hatred, her red hair stained in blood and dirt.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was herself. Ellie, a shadow of the person she once was, an empty husk, her face contorted in a wild expression of madness.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It took a few seconds to realise the scream that startled her awake was coming out from her own open mouth. Ellie covered it with a hand and whimpered into it, her eyes frantically looking around. For a moment, she didn’t know where she was or who she was. Her skin tasted of salt and iron.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She sat up, her breathing caught up in her throat. She couldn’t breathe, no matter how much she tried to. It felt like she was still underwater, struggling for oxygen. Her head was spinning and the drops of sweat rolled down her face, salty as the ocean. Her skin may as well be scorched by the pain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck…” She muttered as another set of tears rolled down her cheeks. With impatience she dried them off and focused, trying to steady her breathing. Just like Dina had told her to every time her world collapsed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In and out, slowly, grounded. The bile kept creeping up her throat with every attempt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie was at her old house, back in Jackson. Light was already filtering through the curtains of the closed window and the murmur of the town coming alive somewhat calmed her down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The garage she had lived in for several years looked completely different now, with not a single personal effect displayed around. No pictures, no drawings, no guitar resting against the wall. Just her backpack at the side of the door almost as if it was waiting for her, in case it all became too heavy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deep and raw emptiness, like no one had ever lived there for a long time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The nightmares were an unavoidable part of her night. It has been like that for so long, she didn’t remember how it felt like to wake up without feeling absolute dread. Or maybe she could, but the memory of Jesse knocking at her door to remind her she had to go on patrol was still something she avoided consciously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie almost dragged herself off the bed and walked towards the small bathroom. Her reflection in the mirror returned her gaze. Everytime she blinked, she saw herself again under water, her own hands around the neck, squeezing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a sigh of impatience, she grabbed the towel that Maria had left the night before and rubbed her face. And then she covered the mirror with it, unable to stand her own reflection.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Back to the room, she simply grabbed the set of clean clothes and got dressed. The fabric hang loosely of her small and thin frame. She made a conscious effort to not look at her mutilated fingers or the bracelet she still carried, almost like the only glimpse of hope to have something, anything left of the mess she got herself into. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So stupid.” Ellie whispered to herself with a sharp edge to her voice and walked out of the house, at a good pace.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Fresh air didn’t help as much as she wanted. Ellie felt restless as she wandered aimlessly through the streets of the town, trying hard to ignore all the looks and glances she was getting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She tried to not think about the nightmare, but alas, she knew that it wasn’t possible. She understood what it told her. It wasn’t brand new information to her in the slightless. Abby may be alive or death for all she cared, but in the final moments, when she was at the beach… She realised she had become a monster. Everything she ever hated, was now her own reflection.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not having killed Abby was the only good thing that came out of that epiphany. She had lost herself, but at least that tiny, broken part still remained. Whether it was enough for anyone… for Tommy, for Dina… for herself, that remained to be seen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The day before, Maria had taken her to the clinic and confirmed her suspicions. Ellie was in no shape to do anything at all that wasn’t light duty. Her side hadn’t healed properly after her incident in Santa Barbara. Not to mention how the recent chemical burn that hid the bite on her hand was still quite fresh, now bandaged and covered from her sight. There was nothing to be done with her fingers, every now and then causing the weirdest phantom pain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, Maria had offered her a few days to recover as long as Ellie promised she was going to take care of herself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had refused, of course. She needed to do something, anything, to keep her mind occupied. At least until Dina was back in Jackson. She wasn’t sure there was anything she could say to fix all the hurt and pain she had caused but she had to at least see her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thinking about how much she had hurt Joel by not forgiving him sooner, made her snort at the irony of the situation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie had suggested to take patrols or even help the lookouts, but Maria simply said that it wasn’t a good idea. Whether it was because of her state of health or because Dina was out there on duty, the woman didn’t say. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Ellie had no other choice but to go work at the stables for a few hours. It wasn’t a heavy job, basically making sure the horses were taken care of. Hay and water available, brush them, make sure all the chairs and equipment were in good shape. Filling names on the patrol book. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was almost mindless. She had done it a few times before, when she was younger. Back then, she itched to be outside, to explore, get into trouble… Now, she didn’t even have the energy for that. She was content with just keeping the horrible thoughts and memories away even if it was briefly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Until the sound of someone dropping a bucket on the floor sent her back to that vivid memory. The swing of the golf club, the sound it made when it collided with Joel’s head. His groans and screams of agony. The immobility of his body, unresponsive, looking at her without seeing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie left the stables soon after making an excuse. She found herself in a deserted alley, fighting to keep down the very little she had managed to eat the previous night.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good job.” She muttered to herself with irony. Why did her skin kept hurting? Wasn’t it supposed to get better? “Can’t you keep it together for more than a few hours at a time, Ellie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time she was more or less sure she wasn’t going to just lose the plot and her breathing steadied once again, her shift had already ended. She simply stood across the main road of Jackson, her eyes dwelling on the stables where she was supposed to be. She tried to not think what Maria would say. It had been only a day and she had already left her post. Not the best way to earn their trust back again after leaving.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie cursed at herself and her feet started to take her back home when the distant sound of the doors opening made her stop dry. A group of horses was coming in and the usual commotion that accompanied any patrol coming back ensued. People got to work right away, taking the newcomers’ horses and weapons and making sure the perimeter was safe.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She recognized the person that had just stopped and got off the horse. She could recognize her anywhere at any time. Her heart skipped a beat, painfully crushed in her chest at the sight of Dina, letting a tall and bearded man take the horse from her hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her expression was serious, lacking of her usual spark. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun, just like she used to do to keep it off her face. There was dust and mud on her clothes and sweat pearling her face. She looked tired yet beautiful. Even more than in the vivid memories Ellie kept so close to her during her darkest hours.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina stood there, talking briefly with her companions of the patrol and then walked towards the street, without realising she was being stared at by a pair of tortured and guilty green eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dina’s gaze stumbled upon Ellie’s face for a few seconds, displaying a range of emotions Ellie didn’t think it was possible to describe. Confusion, surprise, disbelief then… nothing. Dina just shook her head, frowning in denial almost as if she didn’t believe what she had just seen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Without even looking at the road again, Dina simply walked away, like nothing happened. And Ellie didn’t know what to do with that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dina… “ Ellie muttered, so low and strangled that there was no way she could hear her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ellie took an unsure step forward, tempted to just chase her, but stopped herself. She knew it wasn’t fair to just show up after three months like that. Not after all they had gone through. Not after Seattle. Not after the farm and leaving in the middle of the night, despite Dina’s pleas for her to stay. What the hell was she supposed to say that would fix it? Would Dina even want her around? Wouldn’t it be easier if she believed Ellie was dead and gone, so she could keep moving forward?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>None of it was fair. So instead chasing her, Ellie simply hid her hands in her pockets and walked towards home, her shoulders down and her heart painfully struggling to keep beating in her chest.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The price that we all pay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The brightness of the sunset made Ellie squint slightly. She raised her tattooed arm to keep the light off her face, until it was too low in the horizon to cast its warmness on her. Shadows came slowly, as the stars started to come out in the clean, dark blue sky above her head.</p><p>She rearranged herself, sitting on the steps of the front door of her apartment and rested her head on the wall behind her, sighing with annoyance. Her journal was resting open over her crossed legs, scratched lines and scribbles a long the page, decorated with sketchy moths.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Cold, dark sea, wrapping its arms around me </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Pulling me down to the deep, all eyes on me </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I pushed you away, although I wished you could stay </em>
</p><p>
  <em> So many words left unsaid but I'm all out of breath </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ellie had no idea if she could ever bear the thought of grabbing a guitar again. The vast emptiness she felt when she tried with all her might to make it sound right, that the strings would evoke that song she associated with Joel... She had lost that, too.</p><p>But at least she had her memories. That night that Joel showed up at her house, despite her constantly giving him the cold shoulder, with his guitar and a song on his lips that conveyed all that he couldn’t express with words. If there was something they had in common, was exactly that.</p><p>Words were hard. Music wasn’t.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The sound of the crackling fire was relaxing. It’s dancing light kept the darkness at bay and the warmth of the gathering, the voices, the laughs, the whispers, their breath visible in the winter air filled the night. Ellie rested an arm over the body of her guitar and sighed at the scene in front of her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Jesse was sitting on a nearby trunk, talking with some of the other young guys that went on patrols. He was always the frendly one, despite being the one in charge. People loved him and his charisma, his dry humor. He was loyal and always willing to help his friends.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But, it was rare that he participated in these kind of things. Dina, sitting right next to him was surely responsible for his presence at the bonfire. Ellie noticed how she, despite being actively participating in the conversation, kept her distance. Like there was some tension in between them.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Dina’s laughter snapped her out of her train of thought and Ellie realised she was staring at her friend. Her eyes kept dwelling on the strands of dark hair that curled on the back of her head, the way her freckles contrasted vividly with her skin under the light of the bonfire, the way her eyebrows wiggled every now and then in one of her usual flirtatious demeanours. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Listening to their conversation without being quite in it, was something Ellie enjoyed more than she’d like to admit. She felt blissfully invisible, yet included. She didn’t need to join them to feel she was part of something. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> As opposed to those dances and big celebrations in town that Dina always pushed her to go to. If she did, Ellie simply would try to blend with the background, do her own thing… and watch Dina claim the spotlight as she always did. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was impossible to not love her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Alright. I’ve had enough fun for one night.” Jesse said, as he stretched his sore muscles. “We’re headin’ out early tomorrow.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Not scheduled. Joke is on you.” Dina said, narrowing her dark eyes. “Right, Ellie?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie got caught by surprise and blinked twice, trying to find an appropriate response. “Uh, yeah. Lookout duty for us.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t.” Jesse said with a shrug, getting up. “I’ll see you guys around.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He walked away from the bonfire and threw a final glance to Dina before disappearing into the darkness, leaving some trails where the snow was thicker. Most of his friends followed him after saying goodbye to the girls. Ellie couldn’t help but notice how some of them lingered their farewells a little too much. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The flames were still dancing, yet the fire didn’t have much time left in it. Ellie got distracted by the bright sparks flying in the air and snorted when Dina got up with an eye roll, grabbed more wood and carelessly tossed it into the fire. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Good thing nothing will catch fire with that.” Ellie muttered lowly, throwing an ironic glance at Dina. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Oh, shut up. Mister safety is gone, so don’t you start.” Dina replied with a cynical smile. Then, she sat down next to Ellie with a groan. “He can be so exhausting sometimes.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I guess that’s why he is in charge and not us.” Ellie simply said with a shrug. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She tried to ignore how conscious she was about her own heartbeat all of the sudden. Dina was her best friend, they had shared so many things together. They had slept over each other’s houses, fought together, had movie nights, game nights… they talked about everything. Or, almost everything.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie had kept her promise to Joel about keeping quiet about her immunity. She didn’t argue, because the idea of Dina treating her differently for it was terrifying. They never talked about the fleeting relationship Ellie had with Kat, the artist behind the tattoo she sported on her right arm. And certainly, Ellie had never dared to expose her feelings towards Dina. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She didn’t want to ruin their friendship. She hated the idea of overstepping and losing Dina forever. She rather keep quiet, suffer with Dina’s charming and flirtatious personality than not have her around. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Dina rolled her eyes and pursed her lips. Her gaze dwelled a moment on the spot where Jesse had disappeared. “We’re over, you know?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “For the third time this month, yeah.” Ellie teased her, playing around with the snow between her sneakers. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Dina pushed her playfully with her shoulder. “You’re such a dick.” Then, she realised what Ellie was wearing and pointed at her feet, her dark eyes bright in amusement. “Do you have a death wish or something? It’s like… thirty degrees or some shit.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You don’t see me criticizing your outfit, do you?” Ellie said, with an awkward smile.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She was impossibly aware of how close they were, how the heat of Dina’s body, covered in many layers of winter clothes irradiated towards her. How their legs almost touched. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “That is because you can’t deny I have style, El.” Dina said and extended one of her legs in the air, the tip of her foot pointing towards the sky. She slid her gloved hands over her jeans, biting her lip in a sensual mock that made Ellie snort in disbelief. “And, I happen to wear proper winter apparel.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah, yeah. Totally hot.” Ellie replied, looking away. She toyed with the strings under her fingertips, just to have something to do with her hands. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I expected to finally listen to you play tonight.” Dina said, dropping her act, with her gaze fixed on the fire. “But our gang of dude bros kind of ruined that.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m… not a fan of playing in public anyway.” Ellie shrugged. “I just… like carrying it around. Just in case.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Well, there is no public left, is it?” Dina winked at her and opened her arms wide, gesturing around them for emphasis. Ellie simply looked at her, unsure. “Come on. How bad could it be?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie bit her lower lip for a moment, thinking. She wished to get rid of the awkwardness she felt, how she felt hyper aware of every little gesture, every movement, every sound Dina made, sitting next to her. Sometimes she could control it better. Other times, like that night, it was a bit overwhelming. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Alright. Okay.” Ellie said rearranging herself on her seat, earning a breathtaking smile from her friend. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She slid her fingers a few times on the strings, softly warming up, testing her cold fingers against the frets. Her heart skipped a beat when she noticed Dina was just staring at her, waiting. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie took a deep breath, taking in the silence around them and the almost palpable expectation she could feel. Then, she started to sing, her eyes fixed on the strings. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> We're talking away </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I don't know what </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I'm to say I'll say it anyway </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Today's another day to find you </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Shying away </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I'll be coming for your love, okay? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> For a brief second, Ellie raised her gaze and the chord extended longer than it should have. Her green eyes stumbled on Dina’s, so close to her just… looking at her with a bright spark of mischief she had seen many times before. Her lips were parted, their corners up in a soft smile. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was just a moment, frozen in time, in which Ellie wanted to throw every caution away. She wanted to lean in and kiss her, her mind storming with the possibilities and the questions of how it would feel to just do it. And she didn’t know if it was her imagination or Dina was exactly doing just that, leaning over, closer to her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Overwhelmed by the panic, Ellie looked away and rearranged her fingers on the frets to continue playing, closing her eyes to clear her head. Her voice came out shaky, as she continued, like nothing had happened. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Take on me  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Take me on  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I'll be gone </em>
</p><p>
  <em> In a day or two... </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Ellie found herself smiling at that memory. Times were simpler then, easier. It was unbelievable that everything went sour so fast after that, probably one of the last happy memories before…</p><p>The sound of steps cut her line of thought and her eyes left the page of the journal, where she had been sketching Dina’s face. She recognized the silhouette walking towards her, limping and dragging his feet, stumbling. The light coming from the window reached Tommy’s face once he was close enough. He looked so much older than she remembered.</p><p>“Hey, kiddo.” He said, his voice raspy, words dragged.</p><p>Ellie got up right away in alert, leaving her journal open on the floor. She had no idea what to expect when Tommy finally learned she was back in town. She would have wanted to have a day or two more to process things before telling him the truth of what happened but, as usual, things didn’t go as she hoped.</p><p>“Tommy. It’s been awhile.” She said, crossing her arms in discomfort and looking at the dirty ground under her feet. She could smell the scent of whiskey coming from him.</p><p>“Maria told me you were back. It took you a couple o’ months.” Tommy said with a frown. The man simply stood there, a few meters away, resting most of his weight in a makeshift cane.</p><p>“California is not exactly close.” Ellie simply said, with sharpness. </p><p>She knew very well that whatever Tommy had said that day at the farm didn’t pushed her to make the decision she made. Ellie had to come to terms with it on her own. And she made the mistake of letting her hatred get in the way. </p><p>In the end, she knew what she had become: the same monster she wanted to destroy. And no one but her was responsible. Ellie felt sorry for him. Tommy wasn’t able to let it go as she had. He was destroying his own life by holding on to his need of revenge. Just like Ellie had destroyed hers.</p><p>“At least someone could do the trip.” Tommy gestured at his leg with annoyance and shook his head. “Can I come in?”</p><p>Ellie didn’t know what to respond to that. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea right now.”</p><p>Her negative seemed to sparkle whatever Tommy was carrying inside. His eyes narrowed dangerously and before he spoke, Ellie already knew what he was going to say. “Did you do it?”</p><p>His words lingered in the darkness for a tense moment, as he waited for an answer he wasn’t going to get. </p><p>Ellie sighed in resignation. Better to get this awkward situation out of the way instead of beat around the bush, she thought. “I caught up to her. I let her go.”</p><p>Despite the lack of light, Ellie could see how Tommy’s demeanor changed, as fast as a candle goes out. His expression went dark and threatening, making him look even older.</p><p>“You have to be kidding me.” He whispered with a poisonous tone as he looked at the sky in anger.</p><p>“What’s the point, Tommy?” Ellie asked, shaking her head. She couldn’t help but notice how exhausted her voice sounded. “What’s done is done. What we did… Joel... Killing her wasn’t going to fix shit.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nora begged for mercy. Half of her face was gone by the time Ellie put the pipe down. There was nothing left of the woman. Her body spasmed violently as she coughed blood and spores. Her wet and pasty voice was barely audible. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’ll… tell you… Please… just… make it stop.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ellie blinked twice as bile creeped up her throat. Her chest felt tight and painful and her skin hurt, like it was set on fire. For a second she looked at her hands to make sure they weren’t wet and sticky with blood. Her fingers trembled so much she could barely look at them.</p><p>“I just… you promised me!” Tommy roared in anger, taking a few clumsy steps towards her. He was so close that Ellie had to look away in disgust at the strong scent of alcohol. “You should have done it for him!”</p><p>“We lost everything, Tommy.” Ellie muttered, trying with all her might to look at him. All she could find in his usually kind features was the husk of a broken man she barely knew. “I lost everything. Was I supposed to lose my fucking life too?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The man named Owen struggled to speak as he pressed his chest, where the gunshot wound was, pouring bright red blood. He coughed and spat, his legs twitching violently. The sound of his fast and unsteady breathing bubbling in his throat was all Ellie could hear. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Preg… pregnant…” He managed to whisper, before his eyes lost their bright and he was gone. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“If you took her down with you at least…” Tommy said with incredulity. </p><p>The sound of his hand slapping the side of his leg in fury snapped Ellie out of the horrifying flashback. She couldn’t hear more than mumbles, as if she was once again underwater.</p><p>“You’re drunk, man.” Ellie breathed. “Talk to me when you’re sober. And maybe you will get it.”</p><p>“What a fucking joke!” Tommy spat and pushed her with his free hand. Ellie stumbled back, her eyes wide open in shock at the sudden physical contact. Wild madness was all she could find on Tommy’s gaze. “You dragged us all to Seattle and you couldn’t even finish the job then… and now you say you caught up to her and didn’t do it? What are you good for, then?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “No… no… no, no, no…” Ellie muttered as she approached the body of the woman, laying on the floor.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Her shaky hands found their way to the woman’s hoodie and unzipped it. All she could see was the lump in her belly. And the world collapsed around her when she looked at her face, covered in blood pouring from her open mouth, her eyes wide in horror. And all she could see was Dina, dead. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>A second push on her chest snapped Ellie back to reality. The sides of her vision started to go blurry. She was good only to cause pain. “I’m not gonna fight you.”</p><p>“Of course you won't. Because you have no fucking backbone!”</p><p>Ellie wasn’t sure if she was imagining it or not, but she could hear rushed steps nearby. Whispers, mutters all around. She rested her weight on the exterior wall of her small home and grabbed her knees to keep herself steady. A voice she hadn’t heard in a long time made her raise her head in shock. </p><p>“Hey! What the fuck is going on here?”</p><p>Dina glared at Tommy as she walked into the small yard and grabbed his arm in fury. Her face was livid, her dark eyes filled with a wrath Ellie had never seen so bright.</p><p>“And you!” Tommy snapped at her, pulling his arm out of her grasp. “I’m sure you’re happy with this bullshit.”</p><p>Maria arrived just a second later, in company of one of the young guys Ellie barely recognized. And at the moment she didn’t care who the man was. Her eyes were glued to Dina’s face, unable to look away.</p><p>“Tommy, come on. You need to leave. Now.” Maria ordered with all her authority imprinted in her voice.</p><p>“I’ll go when i’m damn well ready!”</p><p>Ellie took a deep breath and approached them, trying to control the weakness she was feeling, trying to ignore the painful knot in her stomach. She needed to talk sense into Tommy somehow. She knew he was better than this. He was the one that tried to keep her away from the path of destruction in the first place. If there was one thing she owed him, was to try to be reasonable. Ellie grabbed him by the arm, hoping he could just… stop.</p><p>“Just let it go, man… This is not what Joel would have...”</p><p>The moment Ellie pronounced that name, Tommy opened her eyes in raw fury and threw a heavy punch towards her. His fist connected on the side of her face with brutal force, making her slim body fly backwards and collapse on the ground, knocking the air out of her lungs with a groan.</p><p>“Ellie!”</p><p>“Are you out of your goddamn mind?!”</p><p>“Oh… No, no, I’m… I’m sorry! I didn’t…”</p><p>The sound of struggle and groans of pain filled the air. Ellie grabbed her face with her hands and saw blood. The world spinned slowly as she tried to regain focus and blinked a few times to get rid of the tears of pain clouding her sight.</p><p>A pair of familiar hands grabbed her by the arm and helped her raise her head slowly. Ellie could see it was Dina, helping her up, by the corner of her eye. Her stomach gave an uncomfortable jump as dread filled her senses. The taste of iron and salt was very present in her mouth all of the sudden and she spat to the side a good amount of blood. </p><p>“Oh my god, Ellie…” Dina muttered. Ellie could see how her dark eyes looked at her left hand, where her missing fingers were supposed to be.</p><p>The horror in her expression made Ellie feel sick. She clenched her hand in a tight fist, in a stupid attempt to hide her injuries.</p><p>“Let’s take him, come on.” Maria ordered. “Dina?”</p><p>Maria and the man Ellie couldn’t recognize grabbed Tommy and started to pull him out of the yard. His groans of anger were soon replaced by a strangled sob and whispered apologies, all his fire extinguished and replaced with a deep and relentless grief.</p><p>“Go, it’s fine.” Dina replied, her determination suddenly gone. She struggled to not look at Ellie’s hands. Then, an angered huff escaped her lips. “Fuck. Come on. Let’s get you inside.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Still Breathing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ellie sighed at the sight of her face on the mirror. Her reflection looked way worse than she expected. With a wet cloth, she tried to get rid of the blood on her cheek, as the side of her face started to swell up. Her skin hurt with the softest touch she could muster. Her cut lip throbbed and the headache ensued, drilling its way through her right temple.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck… ugh.” Ellie winced, involuntarily moving her face away. Blood kept pouring from the cut on her cheekbone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You having a hard time?” Dina asked coldly, with a trace of her usual ironic remarks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She kept pacing around in the room, her eyes constantly jumping between Ellie’s reflection in the bathroom mirror and her surroundings. She kept her arms firmly crossed over her chest in tension.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I got it.” Ellie said, shaking her head. She spat more blood on the sink and the room around her started to spin at the sight. The red fluid contrasted vividly with the white background.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The woman opened her eyes wide in shock as Ellie pushed the knife inside her throat. Blood poured from her barely opened mouth as the shock registered on her features.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie choked briefly and came back to the present with a shudder and cursed when she noticed the blood splattered on her shirt. She saw Dina’s gaze rest on the red spots on her clothes and roll her dark eyes with impatience.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She walked inside the small bathroom and took the cloth from her hands with more harshness than necessary. “You’re making a mess. Stand still.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Carefully, Dina proceeded to clean the wound, pressing lightly to stop the bleeding. There was nothing else but full focus on her task, her eyes narrowed and her lips parted in an expression of concentration Ellie knew too well for her own sake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn, he did a number on you.” Dina muttered as she analyzed the cut and the blackness that was starting to set under Ellie’s eye.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Looks worse than it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That made Dina snort humorlessly. “Huh… I have no idea how is that possible.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie had imagined how Dina would react to her presence. Over and over again, it had played out in her mind, always with catastrophic consequences. She could imagine Dina shouting at her, insulting her, even beating her. Or worse, unresponsive. The scenario of Dina simply not even acknowledging her presence like she was invisible, barely the ghost of an inconvenient memory, was probably her worst nightmare. Deserved, but still.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie certainly didn’t imagine she would be with her, in the crammed and tight bathroom of her old apartment, disturbingly aware of how close she was, feeling her warm breath on her face as she cleaned it methodically. So close, Ellie kept looking away in shy awkwardness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn’t understand it. Dina had left. She said she wasn’t going to do this again. Ellie expected hate and rejection, anger… not kindness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Ellie whispered, narrowing her eyes in confusion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh… I’m cleaning your mess?” Dina mocked her lowly. “Or did that punch gave you a damn concussion, too?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie sighed. Dina’s typical response, sarcasm, irony and sharp edges that could pack a hell of a punch. She decided she was more afraid of that than her shouting. “You know what I mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a brief moment of silence in which Dina frowned, almost as if she was trying to find the correct words to express her thoughts. Ellie tried with all her might to not allow the overwhelming guilt and grief get the better of her. She could already feel it pressing her chest, squeezing her lungs and making her hands shake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I saw you today. By the stables.” Dina sighed, as she grabbed a loose strand of Ellie’s hair that was in the way and rearranged it behind her ear with the softest of touches. “I couldn’t tell if it was really you or I lost my shit. So I talked to Maria.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie almost felt how her heart skipped a beat. “And… what did she say?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That you dragged your sorry ass back to Jackson while I was out.” Dina said harshly. Her anger translated slightly to her work, pressing a bit too hard on Ellie’s face in an attempt to clean it, making her wince in pain. “She was walking me here when we heard Tommy lose his mind.” She removed the cloth and examined her work, perking an eyebrow and tapping her lips with one finger. “Hell of a punch, though. I’m taking notes here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I expected <em>you</em> to punch me.” Ellie’s words almost bursted out, the corners of her lips going up in anxiety.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina shook her head with an expression that Ellie interpreted as an angry smile, if that was even a thing. “Oh, Ellie. You have no idea how much I want to do that right now. But you look like shit already.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still breathing.” Ellie shrugged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Those two words seemed to sparkle something in Dina’s dark eyes. Raw, powerful fury that Ellie had seen once, months ago. It was the same angered expression she reserved for Tommy, after he pushed Ellie over the edge, with a map and a name.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Barely.” She said with bitterness. “I suppose after three months of believing you were dead that should count for something.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie sighed, releasing all the air she didn’t know she was holding back. With each passing moment, she felt more and more stupid. It felt like no matter what she did, no matter how hard she tried, she was always going to be wrong. Almost as if there was a way to do and say things, to move forward, that everyone knew but her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina rubbed the cloth once more to make sure the cut wasn’t bleeding anymore, then she dropped it into the sink. She suddenly seemed to realize how close they were to each other, their bodies not touching by millimeters, stuck inside such a small room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina turned around and shook her head, walking away. All the warmness Ellie had felt, was gone. Dina simply walked towards the door. “All done. Make sure you keep it clean. Doesn’t seem like you will need stitches or anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dina…” Ellie couldn’t stop herself from calling to her, before even thinking. She didn’t know what to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you do it?” Dina asked, looking over her shoulder. “Was it worth it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no point in delaying the inevitable. Ellie walked out of the bathroom and stood there in front of Dina, shaky hands, awkward stance… she suddenly felt exactly as she did when she was fifteen years old and didn’t know a thing about how to behave around her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No. I didn’t.” Ellie made a conscious effort to look at her in the eye. And all she could see was anger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad to see you didn’t abandon us for nothing then. Fucking awesome.” Dina spat, walking towards the door in annoyance, the heels of her boots making a bouncing sound.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie watched her walk away and a wave of pain washed over her, the empty void in her chest aching at the edges, making her skin scream. She wished to read her mind somehow, understand what was the right move. Choose the right words. She had no idea what was going on through Dina’s head at all, even if her fury reflected her with the sharpness of a mirror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t… I got to her.” Ellie babbled. She had to say something, anything. Whatever she could to keep her from walking out without hearing the entire story. She felt selfish and gross, because she knew she had no right to ask for anything. Not even being listened to. “But I let her go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina didn’t seem to expect that. She turned around to face Ellie, shaking her head in confusion and disbelief. “What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The water was red, stained by the blood, sweat and tears. Ellie pushed harder and harder, an unknown feeling assaulting her with every fleeting attempt from the woman to stop her. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then the soft tunes of a guitar loud in her ears struck her, turning her hatred into shock, like a candle that was blown out.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I found her in Santa Barbara…” Ellie rubbed her hands together, in a vain attempt to stop them from shaking. “She was prisoner of a fucked up camp along the coast. I freed her. And I made her fight me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s how… you…” Dina whispered, looking for a second at Ellie’s hands. There was a vivid pain in her expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…” Ellie looked away, trying to concentrate. The tightness in her chest and the itch of her skin weren’t going away. So she pushed herself and kept talking. Maybe that way, Dina wouldn’t walk out. Maybe… “Another thing I’ve lost. I couldn’t…” Ellie sighed in frustration, hating every pitiful attempt to convey her thoughts into words. “Fuck. I couldn’t let it go after everything and when I had her… I was about to kill her but I couldn’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was probably the hardest question to answer. She knew why she didn’t kill Abby but, how was she supposed to put her reasons into words? Trying to talk about what she had experienced in that moment wasn’t something others could relate, certainly not Dina. The memory of it seemed out of place now, as they stared at each other in the cozy and small apartment, safe at Jackson.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because… you were right.” Ellie said in defeat, unable to voice her thoughts. “It wouldn’t have fixed anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina crossed her arms and glared at her. “You realized a little too late, if you ask me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” Ellie sighed. She was so tired of the same old issues she always had. The same inability to let go, the awful memories, the obsession. The constant readiness of her mind to dig up all the pain she had somehow managed to bury. Not deep enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The defeated sound of her voice made Dina’s anger soothe ever so slightly. She walked towards Ellie, unsure of what to respond to that. Maybe she was waiting for an apology. Or something. Not this quiet acceptance and resignation yet...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you here, Ellie?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>All sense of direction or meaning had dissipated the moment she opened the front door of the place she considered home and found it empty, covered in dust. The eerie atmosphere of a place that was usually warm and welcoming, now abandoned and quiet. It felt more than empty. The absence of her family there, their material things, the smell of homemade food, the soft babblings of JJ… it all hit her with a force she couldn’t stand. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“After I went back to the farm… I just… I don’t know.” For a millionth time she wondered what the hell was she doing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I told you when you left. I’m not doing this again.” Dina said with seriousness, yet there was an edge of pain to her voice. “I couldn’t just… fucking stay there after what you did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t blame you.” Ellie shook her head and stopped rubbing her hands, annoyed at herself. At her lack of action. She felt so defeated… Like Joel, every time she pushed him away. “You did the right thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again, the lack of fire coming from Ellie gave Dina pause. The shorter girl simply stared at her with a hint of confusion furrowing her brow. She rubbed her neck in annoyance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I prayed for you, you know? Every fucking day.” Dina said, looking away almost as if she was suddenly frustrated. “For over a week I hoped you came back. After everything we went through… I… How could you do that to us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie had no answers to that question. She let her hatred and obsession push her over the edge. Ellie supposed that leaving, chasing Abby to the coast was the only way she could bring some peace to her troubled mind. Maybe she needed to have Abby at her mercy to understand that she needed to let go. But how was she going to explain that? In the end, none of her choices were justified.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come back to bed. Let’s talk about it in the morning.” Dina said, her voice controlled yet fear very present in her dark eyes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I have to finish it.” Ellie replied coldly, empty, her face contorted in a mock of hatred that furrowed her brow and showed her teeth.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With impatience, Ellie rubbed her face to dry the tears that started to roll down her cheeks. They wouldn’t stop coming. Silent crystal drops rolling down, one after another, her lips trembling and her throat suddenly tight. “I was such an asshole, Dina.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Goddamnit, Ellie!” Dina covered her face with both hands and squeezed. She then uncovered it and threw her the most threatening killing glare Ellie had ever seen directed at her. She deserved that, at least. If Dina shouted at her it would at least make sense in her brain. “I begged you to stay. I tried so hard for so long… I had to come to terms with you being gone! And… now you’re back. What am I supposed to do with that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s up to you.” Ellie said, without even bothering to rub the tears away from her face. She had said the very same words before and she hated herself for it. But it was true. Then, her next sentence threatened to crush her heart inside her chest with such force it may as well kill her. “I can be gone if that’s what you want.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, so now you give a shit about what I want?” Dina snapped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just needed to know… if you and JJ were okay.” Ellie said softly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had missed them both with every fiber of her being. Despite knowing she had no right and didn’t deserve anything from them after her choice. But the ache of not knowing if they were still around somehow, even if it was in the distance, was going to drive her insane. If Dina wanted her gone, then Ellie at least knew they were okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina started to pace around, breathing hard and fast through her open mouth with clenched teeth. “It’s too fucking late for that. That bitch was more important to you than us. Than </span>
  <em>
    <span>our family.</span>
  </em>
  <span> You made your choice and I’ve made mine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. There is… nothing I can say to make it right.” Ellie’s voice was barely audible, raw and paused. She wondered how she was still breathing. “It’s okay if you hate me for what I did. I hate myself for it every day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her words snapped Dina out of her anger, leaving her once again confused. Everytime Ellie didn’t react as she expected, it put her in a weird place. It had always been like that before Seattle. Always with a denial or an unexpected response, making her feel she was walking on thin, unstable ice all the time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish it was that simple, El.” Dina said with a frown. The sadness she projected hurt Ellie like a knife to the heart. “I’m… glad you’re not dead.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Ellie could come up with something to say, Dina blinked her tears away and left the flat as fast as she could, without running. Ellie walked outside and watched her go into the dark, until the nearby fence hid her from sight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite the darkness, Ellie saw her journal was still there on the ground, bright spots of blood splattered on the cover. She took it and dusted it off, annoyed at the drops of red on it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Cold, dark sea, wrapping its arms around me</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Pulling me down to the deep, all eyes on me</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I pushed you away, although I wished you could stay</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So many words left unsaid but I'm all out of breath</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie snapped the journal shut and walked inside, suddenly very aware of the hamsa bracelet on her right wrist. She pressed it against her skin until it hurt and with a sigh, turned the lights off, ready to face the nightmares waiting for her the moment she closed her eyes.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ouchies!</p><p>Song used: Sinking Man by Of Monsters and Men</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Calluses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A week passed and the weather started to get colder already. Ellie’s routine had been almost unaltered after Dina walked away from her flat. She would wake up, go work at the stables and run some errands for Maria most of the day. She kind of hated it, but at the same time, going outside the walls was still something she wasn’t allowed to do. Maria had almost taken made it a personal mission to make sure Ellie kept her mind busy and her belly full, under her very strict supervision.</p><p>Even at night, after a long day of work, Ellie had found many times containers with food at her doorstep. She meant to ask her about her reasons for not even knocking at the door, but Ellie didn’t bother. She simply accepted them in silence and did her best to not leave leftovers. They usually ended up in the bucket she kept next to her bed when a particularly heavy nightmare rocked her subconscious, making her skin hurt, her hands shake and her stomach get rid of whatever she had eaten that night.</p><p>Ellie felt like she was just functioning and to an extent, it was better than just laying around staring at the ceiling. Or keep making the wrong choices. Yet, after talking to Dina that night... she couldn't help but keep punishing herself over and over again every time she wasn't busy. Her nightmares kept reminding her of how she had destroyed everything and all that anger and hate were turned against herself to an extent. But she knew she couldn't just cry over what happened forever. She had promised herself she was going to keep moving forward.</p><p>Even if right now, moving forward seemed just wander like a ghost, doing mindless tasks around town and returning home, lost and feeling empty inside.</p><p>One afternoon, Ellie sat down on the ground, muttering at curse at the pain on her back and her side. It had been a long, tortuous week for her, with almost no sleep and a lot of wild thoughts rampaging in her mind. </p><p>She had never been the one to talk to the dead. She didn’t have a grave to visit her mother. She had no idea who her father was. Nothing left of Riley but the Fireflies dog tag she kept inside her backpack. </p><p>But after Joel… in a way that seemed almost alien to her, she found comfort visiting now. Ellie liked to believe that now she could, after she settled things in her mind with Abby back at Santa Barbara. She couldn’t even entertain the thought of visiting his grave after Seattle, but now… things were changing. She was changing, at least.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> The world seemed very different outside of Jackson, but Ellie had to say she liked it better. Home was home, but these little field trips Joel kept taking her on made her feel less trapped, after many months behind walls. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Guitar lessons were one of the things she looked forward the most every time Joel suggested they both go explore solo. It reminded her of their trip, over a year ago now. She just tried to not think how it ended, or on some of the bad memories she kept. It was hard, but she made the effort. Joel seemed to enjoy those trips a lot and his enthusiasm was contagious. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Now… the first finger should be on the third string… You got it.” Jeol said softly, pointing at the neck of the guitar. He kept his lips pursed, almost as if he was forcing himself to hide a smile. Ellie followed his instructions with a frown. “Put the second finger here… Little higher… there you go. Closer to the fret so it sounds right.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Okay…” Ellie muttered, looking at her fingers with insecurity. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Come on. Give it a try.” Joel said, with a smile hidden in his gaze. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie sighed and then strummed the strings clumsily, making the guitar produce a vibrating and dissonant sound that echoed around them. She wrinkled her nose. “Yuck…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You are not pressing hard enough.” After a moment of hesitation, Joel rested his hand on hers, squeezing lightly. “Here… try it.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> This time, the guitar produced a melodic sound. Ellie couldn’t help to smile in awe for a brief second, before releasing the guitar and rubbing her fingers. “That sounded better. It kinda hurts.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah. It will until your fingers grow calluses.” Joel said, his eyes bright with wisdom. “It takes time.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>With a sigh, Ellie’s memory crumbled and disappeared, leaving her with a warm feeling in her chest that was soon replaced by a pang of guilt. If only she had more time…</p><p>The sound of dragging steps cut her train of thought. Ellie looked over her shoulder and her stomach jumped at the sight of Tommy, approaching her. Slowly, almost cautiously, she stood up and looked at the man, struggling to untangle all the conflicting feelings she had towards him.</p><p>Tommy stood there with a sigh, producing an awkward sound with his throat. “Hey, kiddo.”</p><p>“Tommy.” Ellie greeted cautiously. She dusted off her hands and glanced at the tombstone for a brief moment, unsure. “I… I was just leaving.”</p><p>“It’s alright. I was looking for you.” Tommy said, bowing his head. “I wanted to… apologize.”</p><p>Ellie stared at him for a moment, unsure. She couldn’t stop herself from rubbing the back of her neck in awkwardness. She wasn’t good at all these things. It reminded her of what Maria said that noon when she arrived at Jackson. Neither Joel or Tommy knew exactly how to deal with their feelings and to her demise, she seemed to have the same flaw to an extent.</p><p>“Uh… sure.” She simply replied, pursing her lips.</p><p>Almost as if Tommy wanted to avoid that awkward silence looming over them at any cost, he took another clumsy step forward and kept talking. His only good eye was bright with sadness and guilt. “Things got out of hand that night. What I’ve done is… unforgivable.”</p><p>“Yeah. Maybe you should stay away from the Tipsy Bison from now on.” Ellie blurted out with sharpness. She winced, cursing at herself for her choice of words and tone.</p><p>Tommy simply snorted. “I am. And you were right.”</p><p>“Was I, now?” Ellie frowned at him. </p><p>“After Joel, I… What went down in Seattle made me so angry.” Tommy tried to explain, the hand that wasn’t holding his weight on the cane gestured broadly at the grave. “I wasn’t doing it for him anymore. I was blinded by rage because of what happened to me.”</p><p>Ellie took a deep breath and started to walk towards the entrance of the graveyard. “Tommy, listen…”</p><p>“Please.” He begged, grabbing her softly by her arm when she was close enough. It wasn’t a threatening gesture, yet Ellie had to consciously make an effort to not jerk her arm away. The sorrow in Tommy’s face was the only thing that stopped her from doing so. “I know there is nothing I can say to make it right. I pushed you, said horrible things to you and… Well, you know what happened after.” Tommy clicked his tongue in annoyance. “I quitted booze that night. It’s hard but… Maria, god bless her, is helping me with it. I’m so sorry, kiddo. I would have never…”</p><p>“It’s fine.” Ellie said lowly.</p><p>“I don’t think it is, Ellie…”</p><p>“I mean, It’s not. It was fucked up.” She snorted humorlessly. Her bruises were already fading, but the cut on her cheek would definitely be another scar to add to her already banged up body. “But I get it. We all did... fucked up things. It took me… too long to realise I was wrong, too. And it hurt people.”</p><p>Tommy closed her eyes and nodded, grief contorting his expression. Ellie understood it in more levels than she could express. She couldn’t hold it against Tommy since she did exactly the same thing he did. She fucked up the perfect life, a good relationship, her own family, in pursuit of justice. And ended up losing literally everything, only to live her deepest fears every day and her worst nightmares every night. She was trying with all her might to be better, to get over it, to apply what she had to learn at such a high cost.</p><p>And Tommy needed to do the same. Revenge only brought them pain and loss, even more than they already had.</p><p>“We shot ourselves in the foot, didn’t we?” The man muttered, proffering the saddest smile Ellie had ever seen. </p><p>Despite his injuries, there was a fraction of second in which he looked so alike Joel, Ellie had to look away. “You could say that. Twice.”</p><p>“He… he wouldn’t like us being like this. We’re family.” Tommy released her arm, his gaze falling over the name of his brother, carved in stone. Both of them looked at the grave in silence for a few moments, just taking in the peaceful scenery of the graveyard around them. It wasn’t much of a comfort, but it was better than the horrifying images Ellie had burned in her memories. “I can still see him staring at me like I’m an idiot every time I close my eyes.”</p><p>“I’m sure.” Ellie said and then rubbed her eyes in annoyance at the tears that suddenly came, rolling down her cheeks. “I… fuck. It’s not going to get any easier, isn’t it?”</p><p>“I don’t know, kiddo.” Tommy hesitated, then rested a hand on her shoulder. Ellie flinched at the contact but then found herself leaning on it, it’s warmth and comfort washing over her, settling her pained heart for a moment. “But I’d like to believe he wanted us to try.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I won’t laugh.” Ellie said softly. “I won’t.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Joel sat awkwardly on the coffee table and rested the guitar on his lap. He looked at Ellie with intent and an awkward smile on his face. “I’m trustin’ you…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He strummed the strings slightly with his experienced hands, and his low, raspy voice filled the air around her. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> If I ever were to lose you </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I'd surely lose myself </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Everything I have found here </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I've not found by myself </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Try and sometimes you'll succeed </em>
</p><p>
  <em> To make this man of me </em>
</p><p>
  <em> All of my stolen missing parts </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I've no need for anyone </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I believe </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And I believe 'cause I can see </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Our future days </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Days of you and me </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.” Ellie dried her tears once again, not even bothering to hide them anymore. Someday, those memories would bring more happiness than pain and guilt. In time, she would grow calluses and return to the beautiful beats along the way. She hoped. “We have to.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. It's no better to be safe than sorry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="s-0">Ellie sighed in relief the moment she stepped out of the cemetery and hugged herself in a futile attempt to fight back the chill settling in her bones. </span>
  <span class="s-1">As much as she said it didn’t really matter, she felt better now that Tommy wasn’t around her. </span>
  <span class="s-2">She had no idea when she would feel comfortable in his company again, if ever. </span>
  <span class="s-3">But it was a start, at least.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-4">Slowly, dragging her feet on the dirt, she started to walk back home. </span>
  <span class="s-5">Visiting Joel helped her process things to an extent, but  it didn’t free her from the nightmares that would come later. </span>
  <span class="s-6">She would give anything up for having just one night in which she didn’t jolted awake, horrified at her own reflection covered in blood and gore, with madness bright in her gaze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-7">The atmosphere of the town around her indicated people were already planning for the coming winter. </span>
  <span class="s-8">Despite being almost sunset, people kept coming and going, rubbing their hands and rearranging their coats and winter clothes closer to their frame. </span>
  <span class="s-9">She could see the Tipsy Bison bursting with people, the loud chatter and laughter coming from the diner after a long day of work making her feel slightly better, less alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-10">Yet, she didn’t really want to join their company. </span>
  <span class="s-11">There were a few people she used to consider friends before, but she hadn’t talked to them in years. </span>
  <span class="s-12">And surely, Dina being back at Jackson after they had left, alone just with JJ, had sparkled a lot of rumors that didn’t make Ellie look great.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-13">She wasn’t ready to face those people, not that she had to give anyone but Dina an explanation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-14">Deciding that she had enough fresh air for the day, her feet took her on the familiar path back to the side road that lead to the greenhouses. </span>
  <span class="s-15">She walked past the park, where the kids from the town would play as soon as their classes ended. </span>
  <span class="s-16">With a pang of nostalgia, she remembered how Dina and her had that snowball fight, before Seattle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-17">Dina had always been good with the kids. </span>
  <span class="s-18">They adored her and her mischievous behavior, and for some reason, they liked Ellie too despite her usual grim mood. </span>
  <span class="s-19">She was sure that many of those kids from back then weren’t even playing at the park anymore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-20">The sound of a warm and enthusiastic laughter, followed by a whimper made her stop her march, suddenly frozen in place. </span>
  <span class="s-21">Slowly, almost as if she was afraid of finding the source of such a wonderful sound, Ellie looked over her shoulder and her gaze stumbled on Dina, who was sitting on a bench nearby.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-22">Dina was exhausted but her face was so bright with happiness, it was impossible to not smile in return. </span>
    <span class="s-23">Sweat pearled her forehead, her dark hair glued to it in a tangled mess, yet Ellie couldn’t take her eyes off her. </span>
    <span class="s-24">Dina’s soft eyes wouldn’t leave her son’s face, peeking over the clean sheet that wrapped him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-25">“Hey, little goober…” She whispered.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-26">Dina was breathtakingly beautiful and Ellie’s heart felt like it was about to burst. </span>
    <span class="s-27">She wasn’t sure it could stand so much emotion and love. </span>
    <span class="s-28">She could feel it filling her chest to the point of taking her breath away in awe. </span>
    <span class="s-29">Dina looked at her with tears in her eyes and Ellie leaned to kiss her briefly, unable to stop herself.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-30">“Our little spud…” Ellie said, with a wide smile that barely fit in her face. </span>
    <span class="s-31">Her gaze fell on the newborn baby on Dina’s arms and a wave of the purest of loves washed over her.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-32">Ellie had no idea she could feel such a thing.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-33">“Are you okay with the name?” Dina asked, her eyes still fixed on the baby. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-34">“Jessie Joel… JJ... it sounds nice.” Ellie replied, and for the first time since Seattle, she allowed herself to feel a bit hopeful for the future.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span class="s-35">Ellie blinked twice, her breath caught in her throat. </span>
  <span class="s-36">Dina was holding JJ, snug inside his tiny jacket to keep him warm. </span>
  <span class="s-37">The baby had grown quite a bit since Ellie had last seen him. </span>
  <span class="s-38">His arms were extended towards her, his small and chubby hands opening and closing, demanding. </span>
  <span class="s-39">There was a pout on his mouth as he stared, with his eyes wide open full of tears.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-40">Ellie had no idea what she was feeling. </span>
  <span class="s-41">Her heart kept rushing in her chest and a feeling of warmth she hadn’t experienced in a long while washed over her entire body. </span>
  <span class="s-42">She was mesmerized, looking at the little boy she had held almost since the moment he was born. </span>
  <span class="s-43">The one that she had sang to sleep, the one she wouldn’t let go for a second unless she absolutely had to. </span>
  <span class="s-44">Her hands itched in desperation at the lack of contact and the crushing desire of feeling his weight on her arms again took her breath away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-45">When she was able to shake off her stiffness, Ellie bit her lip to stop it from shaking and looked at Dina in the eyes, almost as if she was asking for permission. </span>
  <span class="s-46">The hardness in Dina’s expression softened at the sight. </span>
  <span class="s-47">Whatever she saw on Ellie’s face seemed to just melt all the ice in her demeanour and with a sad smile, she gestured with her head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-48">“Come on, I don’t think you want to leave him hanging. </span>
  <span class="s-49">Right, buddy?” Dina said with the softest of tones.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-50">Unsure, Ellie walked towards them, making JJ intensify his demand. </span>
  <span class="s-51">He wouldn’t stand still on Dina’s arms for a moment, his pout turning into outright crying. </span>
  <span class="s-52">Dina stood up and after a moment of hesitation, she let Ellie carry him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-53">“Hey, potato…” Ellie whispered, unable to take her eyes off JJ’s face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-54">She could feel the tears behind her eyelids but she didn’t care. </span>
  <span class="s-55">She simply lost herself in the comfortable weight of Dina’s son in her arms. </span>
  <span class="s-56">He was heavier now and definitely more alert. </span>
  <span class="s-57">He touched Ellie’s face with his tiny hands and his crying stopped, although the tiniest of pouts was still there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-58">Dina silently looked at them, almost hugging herself. </span>
  <span class="s-59">Her eyebrows were pushed together in sadness at the sight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-60">“He seems to remember me.” Ellie’s voice got caught up in her throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-61">Almost as an answer, JJ rested his head on her shoulder and grabbed her shirt with his hand, proffering a big yawn for someone so small.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-62">“Of course he remembers you.” Dina said with a sad smile.</span>
  <span class="s-63"> “How wouldn’t he?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-63">Ellie didn’t reply. Inside her head, there was a part of her that kept screaming that she didn’t deserve any of this. </span>
  <span class="s-64">She had to be punished for her flaws, her decisions, not shown kindness. </span>
  <span class="s-65">She deserved to be all alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-66">But the warmth that filled her chest, the way her heart felt so full… even if she had to face the fact that there was nothing she could do to fix things,</span>
  <span class="s-67"> she was going to cherish that small moment in time in which things felt at least a little better.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-68">Dina and Ellie sat down on the bench in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the last remnants of the sunlight washing over them with its amber tones. </span>
  <span class="s-69">There was a prudential distance between them, not too close, yet not so far and as minutes passed, the tension started to rise up. </span>
  <span class="s-70">Silence didn’t help, specially now that JJ seemed to have fallen asleep ridiculously easily on Ellie’s arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-71">“Oh, yeah.” Dina seemed to suddenly realise something and grabbed her backpack from under the bench. </span>
  <span class="s-72">She took a small package from it and showed it to Ellie, who stared at her in confusion.</span>
  <span class="s-73"> “I was gonna drop this by your place later but… since you’re here it’s easier.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-74">Ellie stared at the object and then put two and two together. </span>
  <span class="s-75">She almost felt like her chest was going to be crushed by the guilt.</span>
  <span class="s-76"> “You were the one leaving food for me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-77">Dina simply shrugged. “You have been here for a week and you still look like you’re going to break under the weight of your coat.</span>
  <span class="s-78"> No offence.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-78">Dina left the package on the bench between them and toyed with her fingers on her lap. </span>
  <span class="s-79">She didn’t seem to be awkward or uncomfortable at all, just thoughtful. </span>
  <span class="s-80">Quite the opposite from the anger Ellie was expecting. </span>
  <span class="s-81">She didn’t want Dina to feel she had any obligation to her at all. </span>
  <span class="s-82">She couldn’t understand why despite everything, Dina kept trying to take care of her. </span>
  <span class="s-83">She said she wasn’t going to do it again and Ellie accepted that. </span>
  <span class="s-84">She had to make a conscious effort to crush the tiny glimpse of hope that had been growing in her chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-85">“Thank you. I didn’t realise…” Ellie muttered to fill the void. </span>
  <span class="s-86">JJ whimpered in his sleep and rearranged himself into a more comfortable position. </span>
  <span class="s-87">Ellie’s smile curled up her lips as she stared at him, deep into the land of dreams.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-88">“He has a hard time falling asleep.” Dina commented. </span>
  <span class="s-89">“He wakes up constantly through the night.</span>
  <span class="s-90"> I think he misses you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-90">“I miss him, too.” Ellie whispered more to herself than to Dina. </span>
  <span class="s-91">She rested her back on the bench and sighed, her eyes closed for a moment as she swallowed audibly, fighting back the horrible waves of guilt. </span>
  <span class="s-92">“I thought about him every single day.</span>
  <span class="s-93"> I know it doesn’t sound true after what I did, but it is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-94">A few moments of silence ensued, in which Ellie’s only comfort was the warmth of JJ pressed against her chest. </span>
  <span class="s-95">She caressed his thin and soft hair. </span>
  <span class="s-96">It was soothing, it grounded her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-97">“When… did you…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-97">“I waited for you for over a week or so.” Dina said, like she could read Ellie’s mind. </span>
  <span class="s-98">“Hoping you would come back to your senses. </span>
  <span class="s-99">After that… I just prayed. Eventually I convinced myself that you were either dead or… just gone. </span>
  <span class="s-100">I didn’t want to come here with Tommy around.</span>
  <span class="s-101"> I am still pissed at him for what he did.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-102">“You waited for me more than I deserved.” Ellie sighed. </span>
  <span class="s-103">“But you have Robin and Ellen to help you here.</span>
  <span class="s-104"> How… is he taking it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-104">“He doesn’t seem to be used to Jackson yet.” Dina continued after a moment of silence in which she pondered Ellie’s words with a grim expression. </span>
  <span class="s-105">“It’s very noisy in comparison with… the farm.</span>
  <span class="s-106"> You know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-106">“I was the only loud thing at the farm, yeah.” Ellie said with bitterness in her tone. </span>
  <span class="s-107">The memory of that flashback at the barn still haunted her nightmares. </span>
  <span class="s-108">How an afternoon like any other turned into her own personal hell in a fraction of second.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-109">“Is it… better now?” Dina asked, trying to capture Ellie’s gaze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-110">The taller girl simply shook her head. </span>
  <span class="s-111">“I can think clearly now. Before… I couldn’t. </span>
  <span class="s-112">I still have nightmares every night and during the day, there are some things that just… push me.</span>
  <span class="s-113"> It… I think it would be worse if I...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-114">Ellie clicked her tongue in annoyance. </span>
  <span class="s-115">She felt like she was giving a pity party, when she deserved nothing but what she got, or even worse. </span>
  <span class="s-116">She rested her lips on JJ’s head and kissed him, inhaling the scent from his hair and trying to keep herself grounded. </span>
  <span class="s-117">She never realized how deep and raw the pain of missing him was until he was back in her arms, even if it was just for a few moments.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-118">“When I was done… I…” Ellie stuttered and squeezed her eyes shut. </span>
  <span class="s-119">Her voice shaked, strangled by the held back tears she hated so much. </span>
  <span class="s-120">She wasn’t even sure why the words were coming out of her mouth. </span>
  <span class="s-121">“I know I said I wasn’t planning on dying but… I was. </span>
  <span class="s-122">I wanted to. I don’t even know how I am here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-123">Those words seemed to have struck a nerve on Dina, who closed her eyes briefly, almost as if she couldn’t even bear the thought. </span>
  <span class="s-124">Her moment of weakness lasted just a fraction of second until she regained her composure and dedicated Ellie a harsh glance.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-125">“Apparently your recklessness is not enough to kill you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-126">Her words brought back the memories of that fatidic patrol, years ago. </span>
  <span class="s-127">They were together, patrolling the creek routes, talking about how they should try to live a long life… and how Ellie’s recklessness was surely going to cut it short.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-128">“I seem to be kind of unkillable. </span>
  <span class="s-129">It’s my fucking superpower.” Ellie said humorlessly, showing her tattooed arm for emphasis. </span>
  <span class="s-130">She noticed how Dina’s eyes lingered slightly on the bracelet she was still wearing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-131">How many times could she dodge death at this rate? </span>
  <span class="s-132">The odds weren’t ever in her favor, yet she was still there. </span>
  <span class="s-133">Still breathing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-133">“I think you take your… superpower a bit too seriously. </span>
  <span class="s-134">Or maybe my lucky charm is still working.” Dina replied, as she rearranged herself to stare at Ellie, her legs crossed and an arm resting on the back of the bench.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-135">Ellie tried really hard to not notice the change, but she was almost screaming internally. </span>
  <span class="s-136">For a moment all she wanted to do was to drop to her knees and beg forgiveness. </span>
  <span class="s-137">But she was already getting way more than she had ever hoped. </span>
  <span class="s-138">She had no idea if Dina would ever forgive her, but right then in that very moment, she knew she had to try.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-139">“Do… you still want to die?” Dina asked almost in a whisper.</span>
  <span class="s-140"> “I really need to know that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-141">Ellie frowned for a moment and then looked at Dina with all the determination she could muster. </span>
  <span class="s-142">She hoped that was enough to convey all her words couldn’t. </span>
  <span class="s-143">“No. I don’t. Even if my life doesn’t matter, I… have to try.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-144">Dina sighed and shook her head in frustration. </span>
  <span class="s-145">For a moment she pinched the bridge of her nose. </span>
  <span class="s-146">Then she leaned closer and glared at her, making Ellie struggle to not pull away. </span>
  <span class="s-147">“You’re infuriating, you know that?</span>
  <span class="s-148"> Of course your life matters, Ellie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-149">Dina was frowning, upset, her teeth grinding and yet Ellie couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t how close she was, how confusing her behavior and choices were. </span>
  <span class="s-150">She felt completely lost.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-150">“What are you doing?” Ellie asked, unable to stop herself. </span>
  <span class="s-151">That question could crumble everything in just a blink of an eye.</span>
  <span class="s-152"> “Why haven’t you told me to fuck off yet?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-153">“Because you’re not the only one that’s a complete idiot here.” Dina replied in anger.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-154">Her words lingered for a moment in the cold air, sharp as a knife.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-155">“You said you are not going through this again…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-156">“Oh, I’m not gonna do it.” Dina frowned at her, cold determination in her gaze. </span>
  <span class="s-157">She raised her hands with her palms up, as if getting rid of the idea right away.</span>
  <span class="s-158"> “I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive you for what you did.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-159">Ellie didn’t expect anything like that at all in any case. </span>
  <span class="s-160">She could feel how the resignation had settled, deep in her bones. </span>
  <span class="s-161">She had no expectations, no hope it could ever be right again. </span>
  <span class="s-162">She couldn’t help but think about how many times she had been pissed off at Joel’s defeated demeanor, yet there she was, following his exact example.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-163">“But that doesn’t mean I don’t care if you try.” Dina said then, with a mock on her lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-164">Ellie stared at Dina’s sad smile in confusion, her mind going at full speed. </span>
  <span class="s-165">Dina kept taking her by surprise. </span>
  <span class="s-166">It wasn’t a promise, it wasn’t something certain. </span>
  <span class="s-167">But it was something, and after all they went through, Ellie wasn’t going to let it go so easily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-168">“Okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-168">Dina shook her head and breathed in, holding whatever angry rant she wanted to release. </span>
  <span class="s-169">Instead, she closed her eyes for a brief moment, then looked away into the now orange horizon, beyond Jackson’s walls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-170">“It’s getting really cold now.</span>
  <span class="s-171"> I don’t want JJ catching anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-172">Ellie nodded. Despite knowing the brief moment of comfort was headed to its unavoidable end, the fact that time had ran out made her heart sink in her chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-173">She moved JJ and watched him blink awake with a cute angry face, as if disturbing his sleep was something unforgivable. </span>
  <span class="s-174">Ellie smiled sadly at him. “You better sleep tonight after that nap, buddy.</span>
  <span class="s-175"> Or mama is gonna get mad.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-175">Carefully, she let Dina hold him, forcing herself to ignore how her hands lingered slightly on hers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-176">“C’mere baby boy. There we go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-177">Dina stood up from the bench and Ellie did the same, grabbing the package Dina had left for her with shaky hands. </span>
  <span class="s-178">She didn’t want to say goodbye but she knew that’s how things had to be. </span>
  <span class="s-179">She didn’t find any fire in herself to push her luck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-180">“I… I guess I’ll see you around then.” She said and started to walk away, avoiding Dina’s gaze. </span>
  <span class="s-181">She was very aware of how the tears stung in her eyes and if she looked at her once more, Ellie was sure her facade would crumble to pieces.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-182">“Ellie, wait.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-182">Her feet stopped, her breathing caught in her chest. </span>
  <span class="s-183">She looked over her shoulder, hoping to hide the tortured expression of guilt she couldn’t shake off.</span>
  <span class="s-184"> “Mmmh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-184">“Just… we’re staying at the small house next to Jesse’s parents.” Dina said, after a moment of hesitation. </span>
  <span class="s-185">“The one with the green boards.</span>
  <span class="s-186"> JJ clearly misses you, so...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-187">That took her by surprise. Again. </span>
  <span class="s-188">“Oh… I… Thanks. I’ll… come over then.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-189">As they stared at each other, Ellie felt how her chest became tight. </span>
  <span class="s-190">Hope. It was like she was suddenly thinking forward. </span>
  <span class="s-191">All the things she haven’t done, all the places she wanted to go, all the goals she could get around to… Even after the hospital, after Riley, after Seattle,</span>
  <span class="s-192"> during her days in the farm... despite having those moments of clarity in which the good was vividly there, her past kept catching up to her. </span>
  <span class="s-193">She kept thinking about it. It felt like poison in her veins, tainting every fraction of second she could have enjoyed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-194">And finding out that she felt strangely free of it for a moment, even if it wasn’t perfect, even if it was fleeting… it gave her genuine hope. </span>
  <span class="s-195">Just like when she saw JJ for the first time, wrapped up in Dina’s arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s-196">“Good.” Dina said with a smile and then, she was gone.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>JJ is our little hero here!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. No Matter What</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="s-0">There wasn’t snow yet, although surely winter was coming, just another testimony of the passing of time. </span>
  <span class="s-1">It was so cold that Ellie could see the steam of her own breath in front of her. </span>
  <span class="s-2">A shiver ran down her spine as she walked through the woods, her bow ready in case there was a threat, but the silence reassured her more than any sound would.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-3">The farm in the distance had an eerie atmosphere, like the desiccated corpse of happier days. </span>
  <span class="s-4">It’s white, chipped paint made it look like old bones piled on top of each other. </span>
  <span class="s-5">Ellie could still feel the lingering presence of all the broken dreams and hopes that laid inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-6">She approached the building and tried hard to not get overwhelmed by the sadness of its emptiness. </span>
  <span class="s-7">Her goal was a very concrete one, so she didn’t allow herself to dwell too much on what could have been and wasn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-8">The guitar was exactly where she left it, resting against the frame of the window. </span>
  <span class="s-9">The sight of it lit up her spirits slightly. </span>
  <span class="s-10">After she made the decision to go back to get it, she cursed at herself for leaving the window open, the guitar outside of its case. </span>
  <span class="s-11">She hoped the exposure didn’t ruin it, despite knowing it would have been her fault, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-12">Ellie had a lot of items in her regret list to, on top of that, add that one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="s-13">On her way back, she managed to hunt a few rabbits just to keep herself occupied. </span>
  <span class="s-14">Or more likely to feel better about the half lie she told Maria about her motivations to go outside the walls. </span>
  <span class="s-15">Jackson’s leader wasn’t entirely sure about allowing her to go hunting, almost as if she was afraid it was a poor excuse from Ellie to just disappear forever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-16">And Ellie couldn’t blame her one bit for thinking that way. </span>
  <span class="s-17">Her past was already too checkered to allow her the benefit of the doubt. </span>
  <span class="s-18">She had ran away too many times to be a safe bet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-19">After that incident with the boar, months and months ago, she wasn’t really able to hunt bigger things than rabbits. </span>
  <span class="s-20">The memory of the desperate screams from the tortured animal were still fresh in her mind, reminding her of the horrifying cries for help she heard at the basement of the sky lodge. </span>
  <span class="s-21">But rabbits were easy. They made no sound if her shots were clean. </span>
  <span class="s-22">And despite how she didn’t regain all her strength back yet, and she was still thin as a stick, her hands were more steady now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-23">Maybe after so much struggle, she was slowly regaining some semblance of control over her life. </span>
  <span class="s-24">At the thought, she shook her head and smiled at herself with the most ironic mock she could muster. </span>
  <span class="s-25">She couldn’t cut herself any slack. </span>
  <span class="s-26">Not yet anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-26">She found Maria at the entrance of the town, talking with a few of the lookouts. </span>
  <span class="s-27">There had been a few sights of infected up north, so she was scheduling patrols to clear them out. </span>
  <span class="s-28">Ellie overheard the conversation as she passed by, but didn’t intervene. </span>
  <span class="s-29">She had already given up on being part of those teams after trying hard for two weeks. </span>
  <span class="s-30">Maria allowing her to go hunting was at least, a step in the right direction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-31">Maria smiled at Ellie with warmness as she passed by, showing the cord with three rabbits tied up as if that was enough proof that she didn’t lie. </span>
  <span class="s-32">Or not completely, because the guitar Ellie was carrying on her back was a dead giveaway of her excuses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-33">Without much ceremony, Ellie went home to work. </span>
  <span class="s-34">She assessed the state of the guitar for a few minutes and decided she really needed new strings for it. </span>
  <span class="s-35">There had to be a music shop left in the towns that surrounded Jackson, so she made a mental note to keep an eye out for them as soon as Maria let her out again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-36">With efficiency, she removed the old ones and left the guitar resting in its case for the time being. </span>
  <span class="s-37">Looking at it made her chest feel tight, but she had to at least try to overcome that and regain a little bit of what she had lost of herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-38">Then she occupied her time trying to pick a few skills from Joel himself. </span>
  <span class="s-39">During the few years they spent at Jackson, he had made himself a reputation. </span>
  <span class="s-40">His wood carved items were so good, Ellie had always envied his ability. </span>
  <span class="s-41">She figured that if she could pick up guitar for him, she could have that little connection too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-42">Her attempts were sad at best, with a lot of effort and love put into them. </span>
  <span class="s-43">She had been carving wood toys for JJ in her spare time, and it helped her keep some of her bad thoughts at bay. </span>
  <span class="s-44">Ellie tried to not think if she was trying too hard. </span>
  <span class="s-45">Lately, she would just roll with whatever she felt was right, very conscious that she was walking a very thin line. </span>
  <span class="s-46">Whatever Dina had said back at the park, was still to be proven. </span>
  <span class="s-47">Ellie wouldn’t blame her if she decided to finally cut her loose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="s-48">It was late afternoon when Ellie left the garage, backpack on her back and walked downtown towards Dina’s home. </span>
  <span class="s-49">As usual, her hands were shaky and her anxiety raised with every step she took. </span>
  <span class="s-50">It had been like that for weeks now, she would just go by at the time she knew Dina was free, knock on the door and be received by a warm smile and soft eyes, but nothing else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-51">Ellie spent almost every afternoon playing with JJ, until it was time for him to go to sleep. </span>
  <span class="s-52">Then, unable to stand much of the awkward and unsure silence with Dina, she would just bid her farewell and leave. </span>
  <span class="s-53">Ellie hated that her mind couldn’t come up with any excuses to talk about… anything really.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-54">“Hey.” Dina greeted her as usual, after Ellie knocked three times on her door.</span>
  <span class="s-55"> “Come in, is freezing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-55">Ellie simply nodded and walked inside the house, grateful for the warmth. </span>
  <span class="s-56">A cheerful fire was sparkling in the chimney and the familiar scent of homemade food filled her senses, making the little bubble of hope in her chest hurt slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-57">“You should stock on firewood. </span>
  <span class="s-58">I’ll bring some next time.” Ellie said, dropping her backpack near the couch and getting rid of the oversized coat that enveloped her. </span>
  <span class="s-59">She looked around the small living room, noticing the silence. </span>
  <span class="s-60">“Where’s JJ? I… I brought some stuff.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-61">Dina walked past her towards the record played placed in the back of the room, near the window. </span>
  <span class="s-62">Ellie recognized it from the farm, but made no comments about it when Dina simply put a vinyl on it and soft music, at an almost inaudible volume, filled the house.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-63">“He’s upstairs. Had a rough night so he fell asleep earlier than usual.” Dina explained with a meaningful look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-64">Ellie felt her heart skip a beat and her stomach turn awkwardly in response. </span>
  <span class="s-65">JJ being awake was basically the only reason why Dina let her hang out there. </span>
  <span class="s-66">If the boy was asleep, she had no reason to visit, or at least that was what Ellie thought Dina believed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-67">“Oh. Okay.” Ellie said pursing her lips. </span>
  <span class="s-68">She then sighed and grabbed the backpack from the floor, ready to leave. </span>
  <span class="s-69">“Sorry. I’ll come back tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-70">“Why are you apologizing, dummy?” Dina said with a confused expression. </span>
  <span class="s-71">Her eyes dwelled over the backpack for a moment. </span>
  <span class="s-72">“It’s fine. Don’t you… want to stay for dinner?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-73">Ellie’s eyebrows raised in surprise, before being replaced by utter confusion. </span>
  <span class="s-74">She hated how her heart suddenly decided to beat as if she was running away from a pack of infected.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-75">And she also hated how she kept giving Dina room to reject her, with every step she took.</span>
  <span class="s-76"> “Aren’t you tired?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-76">Dina rolled her eyes. If Ellie had regained some sort of insight of Dina, enough to read her like she used to, she could sense how that lack of security frustrated her to no end. </span>
  <span class="s-77">“Oh, I’m fucking wrecked. But I need a break.</span>
  <span class="s-78"> So, you down?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-78">Dina gestured with her head towards the kitchen and disappeared behind the swing doors.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-79">Swallowing audibly, Ellie followed her with her arms crossed in tension, unsure of how she was supposed to behave. </span>
  <span class="s-80">“Sure. Just… tell me what to do.</span>
  <span class="s-81"> You know I can’t…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-81">“...Cook a decent meal to save your life?” Dina said, perking an eyebrow at her with an ironic smile. </span>
  <span class="s-82">She got to work right away on the counter. </span>
  <span class="s-83">“Oh, yeah. I haven't’ forgotten the outright attempt of murder when I left you in the kitchen alone for five minutes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-84">A faint memory of Dina trying really hard to swallow a solid stew Ellie managed to ruin, with tears in her eyes and trying to hold back the bursting laughter, made Ellie snort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-85">“You’re such a dick.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-85">“Excuse me?” Dina said, taking a hand to her chest in fake indignation.</span>
  <span class="s-86"> “I’d just like to survive tonight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="s-87">Ellie expected the awkwardness to settle. </span>
  <span class="s-88">But the tension never came back. </span>
  <span class="s-89">The conversation flowed almost effortlessly for such a long time, Ellie started to wonder if this wasn’t just a fever dream she was having. </span>
  <span class="s-90">It became real and alive, after weeks of friction, half sentences, angry and sad looks. </span>
  <span class="s-91">It was a spark that Ellie craved so deeply it ached in her chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-92">She kept getting lost in Dina’s expressions, in her dark eyes, in the way she would roll them or squint them to convey something else to her words. </span>
  <span class="s-93">How she played around with the fork and the food on her plate. </span>
  <span class="s-94">How her face lit up every time she talked about her son and his achievements as time passed, how much he looked like Jesse and that it reminded her of the good in him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-95">It was mesmerizing and threatened to pull Ellie’s heart off her chest and be crushed the moment that spark was gone. </span>
  <span class="s-96">But she wanted it so badly, that the imminent danger of it finally shattering and disappearing, didn’t stop her from trying. </span>
  <span class="s-97">Pain was something that just came with it and she had to accept whatever she could get. </span>
  <span class="s-98">It was already more than she deserved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-99">After they finished dinner, Ellie offered to do the dishes, so Dina could go check on JJ. </span>
  <span class="s-100">She looked a bit pale and exhausted, the dark rings under her eyes being an obvious proof of her lack of sleep in the last few days. </span>
  <span class="s-101">Ellie joined her at the living room right after she was done, dreading the moment such a nice night would come to an end.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-102">“He’s totally knocked out.” Dina announced with a warm smile, before letting herself fall on the couch with an exhausted sigh.</span>
  <span class="s-103"> “Man, it’s been a long week.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-104">“What have you been up to?” Ellie said, as she sat stiffly on the couch. </span>
  <span class="s-105">She kept such an obvious distance between them that she could swear Dina was glaring at the empty space.</span>
  <span class="s-106"> “I know you’re off in the evenings but… I never asked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-107">“I’ve been taking a few shifts at the workshop… at the lookout, too.” Dina said. </span>
  <span class="s-108">She got rid of her boots and rested her feet on the couch, hugging her knees and staring at Ellie with tired eyes.</span>
  <span class="s-109"> “No patrols, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-109">“I was surprised when I first came here and Maria told me you were out.” Ellie admitted with a shrug. </span>
  <span class="s-110">She knew Dina could handle herself if there was an issue. </span>
  <span class="s-111">“She couldn’t convince you to not do it.</span>
  <span class="s-112"> Why did you drop it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-112">“After you came back I… I decided it was better if I did other things. </span>
  <span class="s-113">Killing infected is not my only skill, you know?” Dina said with mischief, making Ellie snort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-114">Deciding she could at least try to relax, Ellie laid back on the couch. </span>
  <span class="s-115">Her eyes lingered briefly on the wooden figures she had brought, resting on the coffee table before her. </span>
  <span class="s-116">She wrinkled her nose in disapproval.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-117">“Lucky. Apparently I suck at everything but that.” Ellie pointed at the figurines with disdain.</span>
  <span class="s-118"> “Exhibit A.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-118">Dina’s brief laugh echoed in Ellie’s ears, making her heart jump.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-119">“Absolutely atrocious.” Dina teased, shaking her head. </span>
  <span class="s-120">Then, she pursed her lips, her voice suddenly very soft. </span>
  <span class="s-121">“You’re too hard on yourself. You always have been.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-122">“I did convince Maria to let me out for a little bit.” Ellie said stealing a glance of the shorter woman. </span>
  <span class="s-123">She shrugged. “Just not on patrol.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-124">“Oh? Where did you go?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-124">The genuine curiosity in Dina’s voice threw her off balance. </span>
  <span class="s-125">Ellie wasn’t sure if it was the right way to go about things or even mention what she was doing. </span>
  <span class="s-126">But when she looked at her, there was nothing in Dina’s dark eyes that wasn’t genuine curiosity and concern. </span>
  <span class="s-127">She was smiling at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-127">“I uh… went hunting.” Ellie looked away, her voice almost a whisper. </span>
  <span class="s-128">She was suddenly very entertained playing with a loose thread of her ripped jeans.</span>
  <span class="s-129"> “And back to the farm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-129">“You still didn’t bring your stuff to town?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-130">“No. I just went there to pick up… Joel’s guitar.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-131">And there it was, Ellie thought. </span>
  <span class="s-132">The first deeply awkward silence of the night. </span>
  <span class="s-133">She cursed at herself for even bringing it up. </span>
  <span class="s-134">She wasn’t even sure she could make the guitar thing work anyway and bring up the farm meant erasing all the good moments they just had, to be replaced by painful memories she wanted to leave behind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-135">“Really? I thought… well, I don’t know.” Dina said, unsure.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-136">“Honestly I don’t know either. </span>
  <span class="s-137">I’m pretty sure I can string it to be left handed.” Ellie explained, her voice shaky, desperate to fill the silence.</span>
  <span class="s-138"> “It’s worth a try.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-138">“That’s… actually a good idea.” Dina said with a soft smile. </span>
  <span class="s-139">And just with that simple gesture, Ellie felt how all her muscles went loose, as if she was bracing herself for impact until she saw everything was still fine.</span>
  <span class="s-140"> “It would be a shame that you didn’t pick it back up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-141">They spent a few moments in warm and comfortable silence, looking at each other. </span>
  <span class="s-142">Ellie felt how her mouth became dry all of the sudden, her eyes lingering on Dina’s jawline and neck, the way the tiniest of motions on her face let her know she was deeply in thought. </span>
  <span class="s-143">A tiny frown, a glance, the way she just rested her head on her hand, wondering...</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-144">“Can I ask you a question?” Dina said with the softest of voices.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-145">“What’s up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-145">With a sigh, Dina rearranged herself on the sofa, crossing her legs and resting her elbows on her knees. </span>
  <span class="s-146">She looked at the empty space between them on the couch, before resting her gaze on Ellie’s eyes, suddenly with a very serious expression.</span>
  <span class="s-147"> “It’s… a hard question, by the way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-148">Ellie bit her lip, unsure. She could feel how her hands started to sweat and how hard it was to keep her eyes where they were supposed to. </span>
  <span class="s-149">A sudden need to make up an excuse and escape the situation flared up in her mind, and she drowned it as quickly as she could. </span>
  <span class="s-150">She would have to face whatever was coming if she wanted to have a chance to fix things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-151">Since that tiny hope sparkled in her, it was the hardest thing to kill.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-152">“Okay… shoot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-152">“Maria doesn’t want to let you out because she thinks you will be gone for good if she lets you out of her sight. </span>
  <span class="s-153">And… I find myself thinking the exact same thing.” Dina pursed her lips, unsure. </span>
  <span class="s-154">She was having a really hard time looking at Ellie’s face. </span>
  <span class="s-155">“You told me you… didn’t kill her. </span>
  <span class="s-156">Doesn’t that mean that at any random moment you could just decide to go after her again?</span>
  <span class="s-157"> It… has happened before.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-157">Her words stung harshly. Ellie simply stared at her, her brow furrowed and a crushing guilt threatening to close her throat. </span>
  <span class="s-158">They were right in not trusting her to stick around, but at some point she would prove them wrong with actions, not with words. </span>
  <span class="s-159">This, was different.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-159">“I’ve made my peace with it.” Ellie said with shaky voice. </span>
  <span class="s-160">“There is no point. Look at what happened to me for it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-161">“You said you were thinking clearly now… That’s what you meant?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-162">“Those are two questions.” Ellie said, smiling awkwardly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-163">Dina narrowed her eyes threateningly.</span>
  <span class="s-164"> “<em>Indulge me</em>, would you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-164">Ellie huffed in anger at herself. </span>
  <span class="s-165">She struggled as usual to find the right words. </span>
  <span class="s-166">She knew they were there, somewhere in her troubled mind. </span>
  <span class="s-167">She just had to make the effort to put them together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-168">“Joel told me something once.” Ellie started, wincing slightly at the mention of his name. </span>
  <span class="s-169">Every time she mentioned him, her voice sounded off and strangled. </span>
  <span class="s-170">It made her skin hurt. “I told him about what happened when I was bitten. </span>
  <span class="s-171">My friend Riley… She was the first to die.</span>
  <span class="s-172"> And I was still waiting for my turn.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-173">She looked at Dina, almost expecting the woman to cut her off or interrupt her pathetic speech, but she didn’t. </span>
  <span class="s-174">Ellie could see Dina’s full attention was there, in listening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-175">With a tired sigh, she continued, looking at the ceiling, pushing through the fog in her mind to remember. </span>
  <span class="s-176">“He said something like… No matter what... you keep trying to find something to fight for.” She shook her head in annoyance. </span>
  <span class="s-177">“Fuck, I hate that I don’t remember his exact words now but… it was something like that. </span>
  <span class="s-178">My mother… wrote down something similar for me before she was… you know.</span>
  <span class="s-179"> And revenge is just… not it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-180">“And then… what would be it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-181">Dina’s question traveled slowly to her, lingering in the room. </span>
  <span class="s-182">Ellie simply blinked a few times and looked at Dina in confusion.</span>
  <span class="s-183"> She thought she was pushing her luck but if there was a bit more of room to keep trying, to be more present… to prove Dina that Ellie came back to stay, that she wanted to recover what she lost,</span>
  <span class="s-184"> or at least a portion of it…</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-184">Ellie laid on her bed, her eyes were lost in the ceiling, her mind wandering into the usual dark places. </span>
    <span class="s-185">It had been three weeks since they made it back to Jackson after her failure in Seattle. </span>
    <span class="s-186">Not enough time to be fully recovered from the physical wounds, not even close to feeling okay mentally either.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-187">She tried to avoid sleeping as much as she could. </span>
    <span class="s-188">With her arm still tightly pressed in its cast, she had almost nothing to do to keep her mind busy. </span>
    <span class="s-189">She missed playing guitar, writing, drawing… even if her artistic let out was dark and ominous most of the time, every now and then, she would find solace in it. </span>
    <span class="s-190">It helped put her troubled thoughts and feelings into words, even when they didn’t make sense to anyone else.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-191">Dina was right next to her, her face pearled in sweat and her brow furrowed, as she kept fighting back the constant waves of malaise and nausea. </span>
    <span class="s-192">She barely could keep water down, despite her best efforts, and between her feeling sick and Ellie’s constant nightmares, either of them were able to sleep much.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-193">Almost as an afterthought, Ellie’s gaze rested on the now visible lump in Dina’s belly. </span>
    <span class="s-194">She was grateful everything was alright, after their long journey back home. </span>
    <span class="s-195">It would have been just another awful thing to cope with in her mind.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-196">After a moment of hesitation, Ellie turned in the bed to lay on her side, careful to not crush her pained arm and rested her left hand on Dina’s belly. </span>
    <span class="s-197">She caressed it softly with the tips of her fingers, a frown in her face. </span>
    <span class="s-198">She was fascinated at the warmth on her skin and the weird feeling in her chest.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-199">“Are you okay?” Dina asked, startling Ellie. </span>
    <span class="s-200">The woman had been watching her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-201">“I should be the one asking.” Ellie replied with a mock.</span>
    <span class="s-202"> “Sorry if I woke you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-202">“It’s okay.” Dina said with a soft smile. </span>
    <span class="s-203">She rested her hand on Ellie’s and squeezed it briefly.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-204">They stared at each other for a few moments in silence. </span>
    <span class="s-205">It had been so rough for both of them after what happened that everything they said or did seemed like a constant damage control. </span>
    <span class="s-206">Ellie struggled to keep her mind in the present, to accept that they were safe back at Jackson and that Dina was going to be okay. </span>
    <span class="s-207">She wouldn’t have to carry that in her conscience, although it was a close call. </span>
    <span class="s-208">The image of Abby smiling, holding a knife to Dina’s throat still made her heart race, almost as if it was happening right then.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-209">“You look worried.” Dina said, taking a moment to examine Ellie’s factions, before pushing a stand of red hair behind her ear.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-210">Ellie’s silence made her panic slightly. </span>
    <span class="s-211">The taller girl simply stared, tracing small circles with her fingers on Dina’s belly, almost absentmindedly. </span>
    <span class="s-212">She had been so quiet since they came back, Dina could barely stand it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-213">“Please, say something. You’re driving me crazy.” She said with edge to her voice.</span>
    <span class="s-214"> “I know it sucks right now, but…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-215">Instead of replying, Ellie scooted closer and interrupted her with a warm and soft kiss on her lips. </span>
    <span class="s-216">Dina didn’t expect that but recovered quickly, her hands slid through Ellie’s messy hair.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-217">Ellie chuckled briefly and pulled away, all her previous darkness gone from her gaze. </span>
    <span class="s-218">She smiled at Dina who returned the smile in confusion.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-219">“You can’t distract me enough to dodge the question, El.” Dina said, rolling her eyes although the smile never faded.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="s-220">“I’m not worried.” Ellie said. </span>
    <span class="s-221">It wasn’t a complete lie. She wasn’t very sure how to put it into words, so she focused on what she did know.</span>
    <span class="s-222"> “I love you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="s-222">Ellie cleared her throat to get rid of the awful and oppressive knot there and just let the words flow, without thinking too much. </span>
  <span class="s-223">She was so tired of being cautious, of restraining herself out of fear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-224">“This? Just… being able to be here.” Ellie shrugged. </span>
  <span class="s-225">She was about to make another hole in her pants if she kept messing with the thread, but she couldn’t let it go. </span>
  <span class="s-226">“It’s more than I deserve but I can’t just not fight for it.</span>
  <span class="s-227"> For JJ, for you, I… Ugh, I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-228">Ellie shook her head in disbelief and smiled awkwardly at the irony.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-229">“It’s a good answer.” Dina replied with a smile. </span>
  <span class="s-230">Then, she perked an eyebrow at her.</span>
  <span class="s-231"> “Not the most eloquent of your replies, but I’m gonna cut you some slack here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-232">Both stared at each other for a moment, before chuckling awkwardly. </span>
  <span class="s-233">Ellie looked at her with intent, narrowing her eyes in mischief.</span>
  <span class="s-234"> “That’s so sweet of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-234">Dina bit her lip, leaned closer and slapped her playfully on her arm, making Ellie proffer a surprised “Ow!” at the unexpected contact.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="s-235">“Don’t try your luck.” Dina warned, with a big open smile.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, that's a bit of progress here...</p><p>I have a few more chapters ready but i'm struggling A LOT with one specifically, that it seems to be either too long or too short and doesn't quite work how I'd like... so please be patient with me!</p><p>In case anyone wants to yell at me for anything, you can find me at www.twitter.com/mai_queti</p><p>See you in a few days!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Strings and Words</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! I... I don't really know how to say this so I'm just gonna write whatever here... I'm absolutely overwhelmed at the response this story got, and for that I can't thank you guys enough for taking the time to read, leave Kudos and comments. I've done my best to try and reply to everyone because seriously, getting this kind of feedback is mindblowing to me. So, for everyone who is reading and enjoying this, you're awesome and I'm really happy my little take on this masterpiece is added to all the other wonderful works I've seen around.</p><p>It may take a few extra days for the upcoming chapters because they are... hard to write. I'm doing my best to do these characters justice and I hope I can accomplish that, so I deeply appreciate the kind words and the patience you're all having with this story.</p><p>If anyone wants to yell at me for anything, you can find me at www.twitter.com/mai_queti</p><p>See you in the next chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ellie didn’t need many excuses to drop by Dina’s anymore after that night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had left only after Dina almost fell asleep on the couch, and the crushing guilt in her chest had already been replaced by a persistent warm feeling she didn’t know well how to handle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie knew forgiveness wasn’t going to come easy, but noticed she wasn’t the only one trying to get past the horrors they have endured. Dina had opened the door, and that was a lot more than she had expected.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the next two weeks, things seemed to start falling back into a comfortable routine. Not ideal, not perfect, but far better than Ellie dared to dream. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>During the day, Maria had assigned her to the armory, where she spent most of the time putting her cleaning and tuning weapons skill to good use. It was a manual job that gave her peace of mind and her partner, a kind man in his middle forties, didn’t engage in more talk than necessary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maria also kept letting her out to hunt every few days, just to have some exercise outside the walls. Late in the afternoon, she would either go back home to work on her own stuff or go to Dina’s place. More often than not, she stayed way past JJ’s sleep time, just sitting on the couch, talking to Dina about pretty much anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The grim, lingering topics didn’t come back up after their talk about Ellie’s dark outlook on things. Sometimes, she would feel those memories were like a massive elephant in the room, glaring at them in offence for not being acknowledged.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie was awfully aware of the fact that Dina knew very little about all the dark things she kept hidden. They had known each other for years, but there were so many things Ellie had made a conscious effort to hide away. She wanted to let Dina know… but she was also too afraid of the truth killing the only chance she had at fixing things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So after so much pain and suffering, talking about random stuff like the upcoming gathering at the church, the latest gossip brought by Jesse’s mother or the rumors about the traders coming to town despite the weather, was something Ellie cherished deeply.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was quite hard to say goodbye every night. Going back to her garage on her own meant an oppressive silence that not even her tape player could fix. The guitar in its case felt like a presence in the room, almost as if it was there glaring at her, judging her for putting excuses to not fix it up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That, and the nightmares that kept harassing her every single night, making her wake up with the breath caught in her throat, sweat pearling her forehead and an uncontrollable shake in her hands. At least she didn’t feel like her skin was on fire as often as she used to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The nightmare in which she was being drowned in the ocean by a twisted version of herself  kept flaring up every now and then. Loud noises tended to set her off in harsh panics that she could barely control, but she got better at not completely losing sense of her surroundings like she used to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She felt slightly more in control and when she didn’t, she forced herself to remain strong. Whenever she didn’t fail miserably at it, she had to admit she felt the tiniest glimpse of pride at her slow but steady progress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie also had to admit the psychology book Maria gave her during one of her usual shifts at her office had helped. She had been reading it in the dead of night, realizing how good it felt to put a name to her issues. Even if it wasn’t the best of fixes, Ellie liked to think there was at least some progress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie also made an effort to visit Tommy, who had recently moved to Joel’s old house. He had been working on himself and his issues, although he struggled quite a lot with the lack of booze to push back the grief. Ellie and Maria offered him help and every couple of days they would visit, help him around and make sure he went to the clinic for his regular check ups. Even Dina offered to check on him every now and then, despite her anger. At least, she made sure Tommy wasn’t starving himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was adamant at first, but over the course of a few days, he started to appreciate their intervention a bit more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Being back at the house after everything filled Ellie with a deep sorrow she wasn’t sure she could get past, but at least Tommy seemed to feel better there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He said it made him feel closer to his brother, and Ellie didn’t question it. Every single room made her feel like Joel could just walk in there any second, with his tired eyes and soft smile behind his beard, a steaming cup of coffee on his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few times per week, both of them would make it to the graveyard if the weather allowed. Ellie rather stare at his tombstone than walk around his house, where pretty much everything would trigger a memory that hurt more than it healed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And the day of the anniversary of Joel’s death… everything became even harder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how much longer we can keep doing this.” Tommy commented with a sigh, his only good eye resting on the tombstone. “I feel this winter is going to be a bit too harsh on us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Ellie was standing by the grave, removing the snow that had rested on top of it. “I should talk to Maria. Make sure we are ready for it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure she would tell you if she needed your help, kiddo.” Tommy said warmly. “Knowing you, I’m surprised you let her pester you this much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She has her reasons I guess.” Ellie said, with a noncommittal shrug. “I… kinda need to go out anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy frowned his beaten up face in confusion at that statement. “How so? I thought your schedule was quite full.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie made a lazy sound with her throat. She wasn’t actually sure she wanted to share her plans with Tommy, but maybe he would understand her reasons. If she couldn’t convince Maria to let her go on the scavenging run, maybe he could talk to her. “It is. But… I need to find strings for the guitar.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. About that… “ It was the first time in what seemed years that Ellie head Tommy chuckle. He patted his coat for a moment, looking for something. “Dina mentioned it last time she came ‘round.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy grabbed a small, flat package from one of the inner pocket of his coat and offered it to Ellie with a crooked smile. His only good eye was glowing with sadness when the girl grabbed the item and examined it with his eyes wide open in surprise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a set of guitar strings, still wrapped in their plastic envelope. She dusted it off with shaky fingers and examined it closely. Then, her eyes dwelled on Tommy, utterly confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where the hell did you get these?” She asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Joel… he had a lot of spare sets at his studio.” Tommy said with a wince. Every time he mentioned his brother, Ellie could see how the pain lingered in his gaze for a few moments. “I’d be surprised if he didn’t picked clean every music store along the road. They are all yours. And well, anything you might want from him, really. I’m sure he would like you to have his things.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie didn’t know how to respond to that.  “Thank you… I…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No need.” Tommy said with a warm smile. “Is the least I could do. You have been… so much wiser than me. He would be proud of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His words hit her harder than she expected. Ellie would always put a strong face, but there were a lot of wounds she carried with her that never really healed. She still kept her mother’s letter, even if the ink was already faded and gone, she had read it so many times through her life that the words were branded in her mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I'm not going to lie, this is a pretty messed up world. It won't be easy. The thing you always have to remember is that, life is worth living! Find your purpose and fight for it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I see so much strength in you. I know you'll turn out to be the woman you're meant to be.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Remembering those words so clearly made her breath get caught in her throat, her insides twisting and turning. Ellie couldn’t know for sure, but her actions were certainly nothing to be proud of. All her bad choices and thirst of blood only managed to ruin the very little she had. She didn’t believe there was anything in her worthy of pride.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But she carved it so badly, without even realizing, that Tommy’s words made her produce a weak and sad smile. “I hope so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tommy seemed to understand her lack of words and rested his warm hand on her shoulder for a moment, squeezing. Then, he sighed. “Now, I’m pretty sure you have somewhere else to be than keeping an eye on this old fella. I’ll see you later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… sure.” Ellie said. Tommy seemed to need time on his own and she was grateful for been given a chance to slip away from the situation. She deeply appreciated his words, she promised herself to keep them close to her heart. But she wasn’t good at dealing with it with an audience. “Remember Maria will take you to the clinic tomorrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That woman…” Tommy said with exhaustion, but with a glimpse of hope in his gaze Ellie hadn’t seen since Joel’s passing. “Hell, I don’t deserve any of this after how horrible I’ve been but… I appreciate it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ellie left the cemetery and her feet took her to Dina’s house. As usual, she felt anxious. Even after everything, walking up the steps of the small porch made her hands sweat and her insides jump like she was just a teenager again. It made her feel annoyed at herself and pretty stupid, but it wasn’t a reaction she could control yet. She missed the familiarity she had with Dina before, in which she didn’t actually feel awkward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie wondered when she would regain that sense of security. And when she would feel okay enough to address all she needed to with her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie knocked on the wooden door three times and frowned, hearing the commotion inside. The door was pulled open a few seconds after, and Dina’s face was the first thing she saw. Her eyes were bright with tears and she had the most genuine and heartwarming open smile Ellie had seen in months.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on in, quickly!” She said and grabbed Ellie’s arm with no hesitation, pulling her inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sudden contact made Ellie open her eyes in surprise, but she left herself being dragged into the house. “Whoa. What’s going on?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the far end of the small living room, JJ was inside his wooden playpen. He was standing, grabbing the rail with both hands to keep himself steady. His giggling echoed around, his eyes narrowed in the happiest of expressions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mama!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie stopped dry almost as if someone had slapped her on the face, her green eyes were glued to JJ’s wonderful smile. The little boy bounced, bending his knees and standing back, full of energy, as he squealed in delight at the sound of his own voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie pointed at him with one finger in disbelief, making Dina laugh at her shocked expression. “He’s…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mama!” JJ shouted again, before releasing the rail and clapping his chubby hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He fell on his butt with a soft sound over the wooden floor and after a moment of visible confusion in which he seemed to wonder how he ended up sitting down, he laughed again and continued clapping.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina rushed to him, picked him up and looked at her child with the most breathtaking smile, that made Ellie snap back to reality. She tickled JJ, earning a squeal. Ellie’s heart felt like it was suddenly three times bigger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s up, buddy?” Ellie said, approaching them. Her face felt really weird all of the sudden, her smile so big it threatened to make her cheeks hurt. “Mama?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mama!” JJ replied bouncing on Dina’s arms. Then he extended his short arms towards Ellie, opening and closing his hands in a clear demand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You should be grateful the first word he learned wasn’t fuck…” Dina commented as she let Ellie carry him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, give him a little more time and he will be telling you bad jokes and puns. Right, buddy?” For all response to Ellie’s words, JJ kept giggling maddly, grabbing the loose strands of her red hair that had fell off her half ponytail. Ellie looked at Dina, perking an eyebrow. “See?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If that ever happens I will hunt your ass down, Ellie. I swear.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You love my jokes, you can’t complain.” Ellie said, grabbing one of JJ’s arms and pretending to raise a fist in rebellion. The kid kept staring at her with his eyes wide and an easy smile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn it, you’re right.” Dina said, pinching the bridge of her nose in dramatism. “Oh my, what will be of me with you two.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie chuckled in response, after rolling her eyes. Her mind was suddenly very focused in finding the worst puns she could come up with. Then, she looked at the clock on the wall with confusion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just noticed the time. Sorry, Tommy and I… stayed a bit longer today.” Ellie said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Its okay. With all the mama commotion I haven’t managed to bath him yet. So… I think I will let you deal with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded in agreement and proceeded to walk towards the bathroom. “Come on, potato. Uh! You smelly! Mama is right!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ’s eyes dwelled on the door and then suddenly he struggled to escape Ellie’s embrace, shaking his head. It wouldn’t be the first time he had outright refused to bath and made a fuss of it. Ellie couldn’t help but find that hilarious, despite Dina’s sighs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So stubborn!” Ellie squinted her nose as she walked inside the small bathroom on the ground floor. “I wonder who he got it from!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie could hear Dina’s snort from the other side of the wall, and when she looked over her shoulder, she found her at the door with a glare and pretended indignation.“Uh, I am pretty sure it's from </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. No offence.”  She pointed at Ellie with one hand as her statement was pretty obvious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie rolled her eyes at her with a mock. “You always say the nicest things...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina chuckled and then joined them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took them a long while to manage to convince JJ that bathing was good. It was a struggle every time, but with Ellie around, he seemed to at least give it a shot. In the end, they always ended up wet to their bones, with JJ unable to hold back and splashing water and soap foam all over the place, leaving the bathroom flooded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After they managed to convince him to get out, because that was also a thing, they took the time to try to dry their clothes and hair while he played in his pen. Just that now, he kept shouting “Mama!” every now and then, making Dina or Ellie rush to check on him, just to find their little boy giggling madly at their faces of exhaustion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After dinner, JJ was so tired that he fell asleep on his chair, so Dina picked him up and went upstairs to his room, ready to put him to bed. Ellie followed closely, with the smallest smile on her face and unable to look away from JJ’s peaceful expression as he slept, almost snoring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a few moments, Dina and Ellie stood there in silence, watching him sleep. How his black shaggy hair, so alike his dad’s was now longer, how he seemed to be bigger and bigger with each day that passed. Ellie kept being in awe of him, how much he resembled both Jesse and Dina. How seeing him grow up pushed her to be better. How JJ was a reminder of all those things she came around to accept and all the promises she made herself to be better. To be someone worthy of pride. For him. For Joel. For Anna. For Dina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was one big adventure, huh?” Ellie whispered, more to herself than anything, resting her hands on the crib. Her eyes were getting misty and she hated that, but nothing could be done. She let her gaze get lost in the boy’s peaceful and sleepy smile, in his slow and steady breathing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s out cold… Man, he got so fast all of the sudden.” Dina breathed, chuckling lightly. “I don’t know if I can keep up running after him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s a little threat.” Ellie agreed. Then a sudden wave of sadness overcame her. With impatience, she rubbed the tears off her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Going after Abby was something she had to go through. She just needed that to learn, to understand and to let go. But the price was so high… she should have seen it sooner. Now, seeing JJ sleeping peacefully, how aware she was of Dina’s warmth in close proximity to her… How that hadn’t been enough to keep her grounded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was different now. She could feel it. She had found, albeit late, her purpose. Something to fight for. Something that was a clear indicator that life was worth living after all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s so small but… at the same time he’s growing up fast.” Ellie whispered, her voice strangled. She had missed so much in the three and a half months she was gone, there was a very tight need in her chest to make up for it. Somehow turn back time, even if she knew it wasn’t possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina nodded, humming lightly. “It feels like if I look the other way he will suddenly be all grown up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d love to see that.” Ellie whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could feel how Dina changed position next to her, her demeanor suddenly unsure and awkward. “Why wouldn’t you? You planning on going somewhere?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She seemed to be teasing, but Ellie could tell there was a deep, ingrained fear in her words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie could feel all the hatred and loss tight in her chest, pushing her, turning her into a monster with every weapon she put in her backpack. Every time she blinked she could see Joel’s face and his last moments. It would loop in her mind like an endless torture. Her mind wouldn't go quiet, it wouldn’t stop unless she killed Abby. She had to finish it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I love you.” Ellie said, her voice bitter and cold, determination set on her face.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Prove it!” Dina said with a broken voice. A desperate and soft plea that echoed in the dark kitchen. “Stay.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But her mind was all set. She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t eat. She kept struggling with constant images of the horrors she witnessed. The horrors that were inflicted on her and her loved ones, one by one. She could see Tommy’s body covered in blood with a gunshot to the head. She could see Jesse’s eyes wide open, the bright gone from his gaze and his lips parted in a mock of shock, lifeless on the ground.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>For everything, Abby had to paid. She couldn’t get off the hook so easily. Ellie hated her with such a raw strength she couldn’t think of anything else. And worse, Abby had forgiven her twice. And she hated her for it even more.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I can’t.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.” Ellie whispered, shaking her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Scared of what she might find, Ellie looked at Dina in complete and utter fear, cursing at herself for not being able to find the words to make it right. There was nothing she could say that would make Dina trust her again after everything. But she was trying. She had to prove it, like she should have done months and months ago. Like she should have that night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not what I mean.” She stumbled with her words, the shakiness of her hands, how strangled and weak her voice sounded. “It’s… If… You wanted to, I don’t… I’m staying if you…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Dina was smiling at her. It was a beautiful yet sad smile that threatened to break Ellie’s heart once again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” Dina muttered. “I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hesitantly, she took a step closer and rested her head on Ellie’s shoulder, her arm around the taller girl’s lower back and released a sigh. Ellie blinked in shock and after a moment, she returned the half hug with his heart beating painfully fast in her chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie cursed, feeling a crushing guilt. She felt even more awful now, knowing all the things she had hidden. But the warmth of Dina’s body pressed against her frame, the little glimpse of hope, how intimate it felt despite nothing going on between them… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe not that night, but soon… She would have to be honest. And then Dina would decide if she really deserved anything she was getting after all.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Threat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Suddenly, Abby disappeared. The person choking Ellie wasn’t Abby anymore. Not the Abby that murdered Joel, not the broken Abby she freed at the beach. She had a broken face, beaten up eyes filled with hatred, her red hair stained in blood and dirt. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was herself. Ellie, a shadow of the person she once was, an empty husk, her face contorted in a wild expression of madness. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ellie jolted awake with a gasp, sitting on the bed with her heart pounding in her chest and her ears. She looked around the familiar room she was in and took deep breaths to calm herself down. </p><p>“Fuck.” She muttered as a shiver ran down her spine. She pulled from the tanktop that was sticking to her frame, covered in sweat and got out of bed, her hands shaking, her skin hurting.</p><p>The soft breeze coming from the small window on the side caught her attention and she cursed when she saw the crystal was broken for whatever reason. She made a mental note to fix it later, but now, she wasn’t going to even bother with it. She needed to move, so she took a quick shower with hot water to calm down her sore muscles and get rid of the cold.</p><p>As usual, she scribbled her thoughts on the worn out journal resting on her desk. It helped her keep track of her progress, or that's what she told herself. The words contrasted vividly under the sketch of JJ she had managed to pull off the night before, at Dina’s place.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I saw it again. Stupid nightmare. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I let her go. I’m okay with that. I think I’m just not okay with myself. With all I’ve done. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I have to tell her. She deserves to know. I feel like I’m lying to her face.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I don’t know if I can, there is just so much shit to say and I don’t know how the fuck even word it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I have no right but I want her to forgive me. How could she, if I can’t forgive myself? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so stupid.” Ellie whispered to herself. </p><p>She grabbed her backpack, stored her journal inside and picked her bow, a few arrows and after a moment of hesitation, she grabbed Joel’s gun and the hatchet she left near the door. </p><p>She left the garage, knowing that trying to eat something before leaving was going to end up wasted anyway. Her eyes lingered briefly on the back porch of Joel’s house, making her heart sink with his absence.</p><p>Outside, the sun had barely started to come up and there were very few people walking around to their posts. The past few days had been problematic with the blizzards and the cold, but at least now the weather seemed to be quiet. The calm before the storm. </p><p>The power plant at the dam started to have a few issues because of the excessive use of electricity. There had been a few power outages that reminded Ellie she needed to stock on stuff in case the problems persisted, so she rathered do that than keep trying to pretend she could sleep a few more hours .</p><p>She made sure to drop off as much firewood as she could carry back at Dina’s place, catching her before she went to her shift at the workshop.</p><p>“Hey. You’re running late.” Ellie said as soon as the door opened, her voice hushed due the effort of carrying the logs.</p><p>“Again. I know.” Dina covered her face with one hand. She looked quite sleepy, despite being fully dressed for the day, almost ready to go. “JJ kept me awake half of the night.”</p><p>“He’s at Robin’s already?” Ellie asked, walking inside the house through the door Dina held open for her.</p><p>“Yeah. What’s that?” Dina proceeded to help her with all the logs, putting them on the corner of the room, away from the chimney.</p><p>Ellie shrugged and dusted off her gloved hands. She had to rearrange her left glove to not be annoying with the excess of fabric and the lack of fingers to keep it in place. She kept forgetting about it, unless she saw the stumps or the phantom pain made her hand itch and burn at the most random times.</p><p>“The lookouts say another blizzard is coming.” Ellie said. “Just… wanted to make sure you have all you need.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Dina rested her hand on Ellie’s shoulder briefly and squeezed, with a warm smile on her face. Ellie could feel how her heart was suddenly jumping up and down at the contact. “That should keep us warm for a while. If weather is going to suck maybe you should come by. That garage of yours is not precisely warm.”</p><p>Ellie swallowed, now feeling the wild beating of her heart in her ears, almost as if she was underwater. She didn’t want to read into things. She had always been bad at preventing her mind to jump to conclusions, despite how much she tried to talk herself out of it.</p><p>But what made it terrifying wasn’t the invitation. It was the fact that she knew the nightmares were still there. The pressure to talk about things was very present. And as much as she needed to get past that and do it, she didn’t feel ready at all.</p><p>And Ellie didn’t want Dina to see her pathetically scream herself awake in a pool of sweat and tears. “Eh, I’ve been gathering stuff too. I’ll be okay. I just need to fix the stupid window.”</p><p>Dina looked at her in confusion, tilting her head. Her dark hair bounced on the back of her head, tied up in the usual ponytail. “Maybe I should be more clear. Do you <em> want </em>to come?”</p><p>“Oh.” Ellie said. All she could see was Dina’s bright eyes and the corners of her lips lifting slightly. How could she say no to that face? “Sure. I mean… I just dropped by early for this. I was going to come after you and JJ were back home.”</p><p>“Good.” Dina said, playfully pushing Ellie by the shoulder with two fingers, before heading for the door. “You’re so clueless sometimes, it’s <em> cute </em>.”</p><p>“It’s part of my charm.” Ellie rolled her eyes at her own ineptitud and followed her, the cold air outside making her shiver slightly. “I’ll see you later then, yeah?”</p><p>Dina nodded and closed the door. Then, her gaze lingered on Ellie for a moment, as she bit her lip in sudden doubt. There was a plea in her voice when she spoke again. “Stay safe out there. Please?”</p><p>“I will.” Ellie smiled slightly at her and walked away, struggling to keep her awful fears away.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Snow was falling softly on her head and shoulders, making Ellie shiver. With impatience, she readjusted the bow on her hands, hoping that firing the next arrow didn’t shatter her almost frozen fingers even more than they already were.</p><p>Her eyes were set on the prey she had been following for a while. A young deer, too inexpert for his own good, had been stumbling around, leaving all sorts of trails on the snow. Ellie wasn’t sure she was ready to try and hunt something so big yet, but she had to at least give it a try.</p><p>She tensed the bow, her hands slightly shaky and she closed one eye to get a better judgement on the distance the arrow should travel. The deer, still oblivious of her presence, was too entertained sniffing the frozen ground.</p><p>“Breathe…” Ellie muttered to herself, trying to relax her shoulders. She pulled the string more and more…</p><p>The sound of an explosion made her fingers slip and the arrow flew, landing on the trunk of the tree behind the deer, way off its mark. The animal had raised his head at the sound, suddenly turned around and fled.</p><p>“Fuck.” Ellie muttered to herself in annoyance, trying to keep her heart rate steady, taking deep breaths. She could feel how a well known heat started to run through her skin, how her eyes kept looking frantically around. The distant sound of screams in her ears.</p><p>Then, she stopped herself. She wasn’t imagining them. She didn’t imagine the explosion either. And when she raised her head, she could see above the tree line the dark smoke, coming up.</p><p>It was like the ground had disappeared from under her cold feet, her insides falling and bouncing, twisting, making her feel nauseous. The bile and panic creeped up her throat as her eyes toured the column of black smoke. Then, her mind snapped.</p><p>Jackson.</p><p>Without even bothering to recover the arrow, Ellie stumbled on the snow and throwing caution to the wind, she ran as fast as her legs allowed towards the town.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>By the time Ellie made it back to the gate, chaos was already spreading through. There were some bodies laying on the ground, dying the white snow with red. Lookouts were shouting at each other and a few other Jackson’s residents were out, armed and on their horses, ready to fight.</p><p>Maria was leading them, on her own mount, a pistol in her hand and a bloody cut on her cheek. “To the gates! Come on!”</p><p>Ellie stumbled out of the woods, suddenly being pointed at by several rifles and weapons. She could hear herself muttering in panic, her entire body shaking. Her eyes lingered briefly over the hardened faces of the men and women around her and the massive gates of the town, one of them ripped off the hinges, resting dangerously on the side wall. There were a few people she recognized, injured or helping others to get back to their feet.</p><p>“Ellie?!” Maria shouted in shock and galloped towards her, offering her a hand that the girl took with hesitation. The blonde woman pulled her up on the horse, behind her. Then, she motioned broadly at the rest of her crew.  “Come on! Get inside!”</p><p>“What the fuck is going on?” Ellie muttered in horror, her eyes resting on one of the corpses she couldn’t identify.</p><p>“Hunters!” Maria simply replied. “Rose! Jordan! Cover the east gates! Lia! Get them to the infirmary! Now!”</p><p>Then, Maria rode her horse inside the town at full speed, her weapon still drawn and her light eyes looking around in alert.</p><p>Inside, they could hear the sound of gunshots, shouting and alarmed voices. The sound of the creeping fire that started to catch up the stored wood near the gate, adding its own sound to the cacophony.</p><p>As they went deeper into the town, they saw some more injured and bodies. Ellie had to blink twice to make sure none of them were sporting the WLF patch on their clothes. They looked like the typical raiders Jackson had to deal with for years… so at least that somewhat put her mind at ease.</p><p>“How’d this happen?” Ellie enquired as Maria circled around the main square, back to the gate.</p><p>“I have no idea.” The woman replied harshly. “Two of our lookouts went missing all of the sudden and before we knew it everything went to hell.”</p><p>Despite the panic, Ellie’s mind was already in full motion. She couldn’t let the fear overwhelm her senses, not when the threat was obviously real and not in her head. She had to move. And fast.</p><p>“I need to get to Dina and JJ.” She told Maria with authority. “Now.”</p><p>Maria stopped the horse and allowed Ellie to get off, just a block away from Joel’s house and her garage. “I know. I haven’t heard from Tommy either.”</p><p>There was vivid fear in the woman’s eyes. She obviously cared deeply about her ex husband, regardless of status. Before Ellie could reply, a group of three armed people from the town approached them in haste, all of them with a frown of worry crowning their faces.</p><p>“Maria! We have more coming from the south!” Said the man Ellie recognized as Jordan, a middle aged guy with a thick black beard. “I don’t know who the hell are these guys but they are well armed!”</p><p>“Goddamnit.” Maria snapped. “We need to bring back our patrols! Go, Ellie. Just… be careful.”</p><p>Ellie nodded and grabbed the bow she was carrying. She was awfully conscious of the weight of the hatchet hanging from her belt and how hard it was to breathe. “You too.”</p><p> </p><p>Ellie ran through the snowy streets. The fighting was spread and disorganized and despite her urgency, she did her part. The attackers were easy to identify, sticking out among the well known faces.</p><p>An arrow to the knee of one of the hunters saved a young man Ellie had been with on patrols back in the day, giving him time to get to cover. Another arrow to the shoulder of a tall yet skinny man gave precious seconds to a middle aged woman Ellie recognized from the armory. </p><p>She didn’t dare to point to the attackers heads. Every time she tried, her breath would caught up in her throat, her sight would get blurry and confusing. She didn’t trust herself to do it and she hated how powerless that made her feel.</p><p>Ellie used to be a threat. She used to be lethal, a force to reckon with. Unstoppable, unkillable… Now, she was so broken, so upset with herself, that the idea of killing made her skin crawl and her insides twist. Her mind kept screaming at her to do it, to shoot arrows through skulls and throats. But her hands refused.</p><p>Ellie approached her destination and saw the raiders on the street. She crouched behind a pile of wooden boxes that were piled up on the porch of one of the nearby houses, her bow already loaded. She could feel how fast and uneven her breathing was, but the adrenaline was pushing those worries away for the moment.</p><p>She picked over her cover, eyes narrowed, looking for her target. The raider’s voices were drowned all of the sudden by the thunderous sound of a sniper rifle. It echoed through her ears, and the world suddenly turned red.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Joel’s face was mostly gone, his blood splattered on the floor, his gray hair glued to his broken head. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ellie snapped out of her mind, her breath shallow and fast, burning in and out every time she tried to fill her lungs with oxygen. Every centimeter of skin hurt, scorched her arms and legs, tighten up her chest as her green panicked eyes looked around, trying to grasp reality and hold on to it.</p><p>“Come on… you can get over this shit. Come on…” Ellie muttered to herself through her clenched teeth.</p><p>“Fuck! Get to cover!” A tall and wide man shouted as he skimmed across the street, eager to find shelter. A bullet landed right on his cover, the column of one of the wooden houses across the street.</p><p>“Bastard! Where is he?” Another raspy voice shouted, echoing along the street.</p><p>Another gunshot rang, the sound bouncing around Ellie, who covered her ears in a futile attempt to minimize its impact in her mind. It sounded low, muffled. And it was followed by the gurgling and wet sound of its target, choking on his own blood.</p><p>“Fuck.” Ellie muttered as she rested her back on the cover. The sounds of the fighting around her suddenly feeling so close and high pitched, she couldn't stand it. Her sight went suddenly bright and distorted, as her mind struggled to stay in the present. “Fuck… Not now. Please. Not now…”</p><p>“James!”</p><p>A third rifle round drilled the side of the skull of the man that was running to assist his already dead friend. As it found its exit, the bullet left a trail of blood and gore splattered on the nearby wooden wall, bits and pieces slowly dropping from the new stain now tattooed there.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The golf club went up and then down, the sound of cracked bones echoing. It was only drowned by her screams. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Ellie?!” A familiar, low and raspy voice snapped her out. </p><p>It came from above, disorientating Ellie for a second as she looked up, the world twisting and bending around. She could feel the bile creeping up her throat and the overwhelming need to just get rid of the acid in her stomach.</p><p>“Tommy!” She shouted with a strangled voice when he saw him, picking through the window of Joel’s house, a sniper rifle in his hands.</p><p>“Oh thank god you’re okay, kiddo.” He said, as he kept looking around the street. Then, he groaned with impatience and disappeared.</p><p>A few moments later, Ellie saw him limping towards her, weapon in hand and his contorted face painted with worry. “What the hell happened?”</p><p>“I don’t fucking know!” She replied, leaving her hideout and walking aimlessly on the street. Her heart wouldn’t let her think, it kept beating so loud and fast in her ears, her thoughts were all scrambled. “I need to…”</p><p>“I know.” Tommy grabbed her by the arm and took a long look at her with his good eye, bright in fear. “Go on! I’ll keep you covered from here. I’ll find you at Dina’s.”</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> “Don’t do it, Ellie! Ellie!” Tommy demanded from the floor, groaning in pain. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Abby didn’t even look at him. She raised her gun towards Ellie, her face contorted in a scowl of hatred and disgust, showing her teeth. “We let you both live… and you wasted it!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She pulled the trigger. And Tommy launched himself towards her and struggled for a brief moment, pushing her gun away and making the bullet get lost. Then, Abby just shook him off and fired her gun again, ripping a hole into Tommy’s head, splattering blood on the carpet floor. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “TOMMY!” </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“Ellie!” Tommy shook her slightly, leaning close to stare at her in the eyes. “You with me kid? We need to move!”</p><p>Ellie shook her head and grabbed his forearm, almost digging her nails on his flesh, hidden under a thick coat. She needed to somehow make sure what was happening was real. That she wasn’t sucked into yet another very vivid nightmare. “Are… are you going to be okay?”</p><p>Tommy blinked a few times in confusion then sighed in frustration. “Damn it, who cares? Get a move on!”</p><p>Ellie nodded. She knew what she needed to do. She couldn’t let her mind mine her resolution, she needed to find Dina and JJ and take them to safety. </p><p>If that meant killing… so be it. </p><p>So she took a deep breath and advanced. Her bow and arrow ready, she became the hunter. For a moment, it felt exactly as if she was back in Santa Barbara. She was deadly, she could kill without batting an eye. No remorse. It was survival. The survival of the fittest.</p><p>And she wasn’t just a girl anymore. She was a goddamn threat. And there was no way that after everything Ellie went through, she was going to give a chance to these hunters to take away the very little she recovered.</p><p>As she approached the workshop and the clinic, three streets away from Dina’s home, she stopped and checked her surroundings. She could hear fighting taking place somewhere behind her. The distinctive sound of Tommy’s sniper rifle, the screams, the shouting, the curses thrown up in the air.</p><p>Down the street, she recognized one of the bodies laying on the side of the road. A pang of guilt assaulted her, taking her eyes away from the young man lying lifeless on the side, his eyes wide open in shock. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em> “Jesse?!” Ellie whispered, her voice caught up in her throat. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Her eyes lingered for a few seconds on the shocked face of her friend, the deadly bullet hole in his cheek, his eyes wide open in surprise, his mouth slightly parted… and gone. Just like that, in just a second, Jessie was no more. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t want to think how many people Jackson was losing in this fight.</p><p>There were three hunters there, their clothes dirty and ripped, struggling to fight back the cold and hold their weapons in their hands.</p><p>“Fuck.” The tallest man muttered in annoyance.</p><p>One of his companions wasn’t happy at all with whatever was going down. He seemed to be younger, his cheeks sucked in as if he hadn’t eaten for weeks. “You said this was going to be fucking easy!”</p><p>“Quit your whining and push forward!” The third man said, slapping him on the back of the head. “They have shit we need so we fucking take it! If you wanted to freeze your ass in the woods all winter you shouldn’t be here!”</p><p>They were approaching the clinic, one of them pointing at it with a dirty finger and a predatory smile forming on his face. Suddenly, the man shouted in pain when Ellie sneaked behind him and stabbed his thigh with an arrow, making him drop to his knees. She rounded his neck with one arm and pressed the barrel of Joel’s revolver on his temple, using him as a shield.</p><p>“Drop the fucking gun!” She demanded to the other two hunters, almost a roar coming out of her chest.</p><p>The two men pointed their weapons at her, but none of them seemed sure enough to take the shot. Ellie was well covered behind their friend, her dangerous green eyes jumping from one threat to the next.</p><p>“Let him go!”</p><p>“Drop it!” Ellie demanded once again, now pressing the gun against the hostage’s head, making him shout in pain.</p><p>“You little bitch…!”</p><p>Before the thin young guy could pull the trigger, his face was gone, replaced by a gory mess. The sound of the rifle was barely audible, but it echoed around them, startling the hostage and the remaining survivor, their eyes fixed on the man that just fell to the ground in a pool of blood.</p><p>“Ian!”</p><p>Ellie pointed at him in a fraction of second and pulled the trigger. The man produced a harrowing scream of pain and grabbed his knee, suddenly shattered by the bullet. His fingers shook violently, trying to keep it in place.</p><p>“You piece of…!”</p><p>With a fluid movement, Ellie used the back of her gun to hit the hostage unconscious, a growl of wrath scaping her shaky lips. She let him fall on the ground and approached the screaming man. With all the strength she could muster, hit his face with the back of the revolver, breaking his nose in the process and riding him unconscious.</p><p>She stood there, her breathing heavy, her ears whistling, her insides twisting… She wasn’t sure if she was going to drop on her knees and throw up or just lose all sense and meaning and go on a killing rampage against the monsters that were attacking the town.</p><p>It was her home. Defending it didn’t turn her even more into a monster. Did it?</p><p>“Ellie!” </p><p>Ellie closed her eyes, relief washing over her. Dina’s voice behind her made her legs shake violently, almost unable to tolerate her small weight.</p><p>“Oh thank god!” Ellie spat and turned around, holstered her gun and released all the air she had been holding on to for the last minute. Then, her eyes snapped wide open in horror. “Look out!”</p><p>But she wasn’t fast enough. </p><p>One of the hunters sneaked on them, grabbed Dina and put a knife to her throat, holding her in place. His eyes were wild, looking around frantically and his side was bleeding. A gunshot wound.  “You’re coming with me, bitch! Where are the supplies?!”</p><p>“Let her go!” Ellie demanded, although she knew she didn’t have the advantage. If she even tried to unholster her pistol, Dina could be as good as dead.</p><p>“Like hell I will! We’re not going anywhere without them! Now spill it out!”</p><p>The thought sent a chill down her spine, but her eyes were focused on the threat. It was almost like a switch was flipped off. As much as she didn’t want to relieve those memories all the time, she didn’t care.</p><p>All Ellie could think of was how she would chop off the man’s hands for even daring laying a finger on Dina. When she found her voice again, it sounded cold and threatening, no hint of feeling on it. Ellie could see Dina’s eyes wide in fear, and she wasn’t sure if she was afraid of her or the man that held her hostage. </p><p>For the moment, Ellie didn’t care.</p><p>“Let her go. Don’t make me repeat myself.”</p><p>Dina then hit the guy with all the strength she could, sinking her elbow on the side of his body, where the shirt was stained in blood. She had noticed, too.</p><p>The hunter recoiled in pain and grabbed his side, letting Dina go. “Ah! You c…”</p><p>Without even thinking, Ellie took the advantage. She pushed Dina away from her path, grabbed the hunter’s head with one hand and stabbed him on the throat with the arrow she had managed to take from her backpack. </p><p>“I got you, fucker…”</p><p>She felt the metallic tip of the weapon piercing through skin, muscle, tendons and blood vessels, as she stared down at the man, the light slipping away from his eyes. Blood splattered on her face and chest when it came out of his mouth, describing an arc and then the wet, gurgling sounds of the air that wasn’t getting through his system.</p><p>She violently pulled the arrow out of him with a sudden motion. The man fell on the ground, contorting in agony, grabbing his neck with both hands, until he finally was gone, too.</p><p>“Holy fuck, Ellie…”</p><p>Then, it all came crashing down.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She punched the man on the face and pulled the trigger, making him recoil and fall on the ground, touching his chest in horror. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Owen!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The woman’s voice made Ellie turn around just in time to raise her arm and stop the knife Mel had on her hand. They struggled, the tip of the weapon dangerously close to her neck as the other woman pushed it down, tears streaming down her face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> With a sudden motion, Ellie grabbed her hands, twisted and grabbed the knife, stabbing her in the neck. Mel’s eyes were wide open, looking without seeing anything. It was like watching a candle being blown out. The last embers of the fire suddenly disappearing forever. Just as that, her life was finished, leaving behind only an empty vessel. </em>
</p><p>
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</p><p>“I’m… I...” Ellie looked around, blinking as fast as she could. She needed to get rid of the image, but when she went back to the present, it wasn’t much better. </p><p>Her legs gave in and Ellie fell on her knees, looking at her hands covered in bright red blood. Her mouth tasted of salt and iron and her body convulsed almost involuntarily, forcing her to throw up the very little her stomach still had.</p><p>“Hey, hey! Are you okay?”</p><p>Ellie felt Dina’s hands on her shoulders and saw her by the corner of her eyes, kneeling next to her. The bright worry in her gaze made Ellie look away, as she tried in vain to wipe off the blood from her face. All she managed to do was smear it even more.</p><p>“I’m…I’m here.  “ Ellie wiped her mouth with her arm, shaking. Then she grabbed Dina by the shoulders with more strength than necessary, as her eyes scanned the woman. “Did he hurt you?”</p><p>“I’m fine.” Dina said slowly and surely, almost as if she wanted to make sure Ellie understood her words. “We need to go back home. Now.”</p><p>Ellie nodded. It wasn’t over yet. She needed to get to JJ. The overwhelming panic threatened to make her mind fall apart again. If something happened to him… If something happened to <em> her </em>son…</p><p>“Come on.” Ellie said, getting back on her feet.</p><p>She grabbed Dina’s hand and they both ran down the street, leaving the corpses where they had fallen.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Phew! This was a long one... I hope you guys enjoy a bit of action for a change!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Monster</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! This chapter took me a bit longer so sorry about that... work has been a nightmare all week and this has been painfully hard to write so... apologies! I'm already working on the final two chapters of this story and really, I'm a bit scared. I hope I can deliver!</p><p>In any case, I hope the wait was worth it! I'll reply to your comments as soon as I can. Thank you for your support!</p><p>As usual, a reminder that you can yell me at www.twitter.com/mai_queti.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Ellie crouched, her body suddenly invisible among the dirt. She crawled, silently, her right hand clenched around her switchblade, her eyes fixed on her prey. She approached them, her heart pounding heavily in her chest. The hot sun burning on her already red skin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A sudden motion, a hand over the man’s mouth to hush them, the blade pressed against his throat. “Quiet!” She whispered, her low, raspy voice filled with threat. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> An unintelligible mumble, warm and wet against her hand. The switchblade travelled fast under it, cutting the man’s throat open in a swift motion. The dead weight on her arms, the sudden spasm of life being silenced. </em>
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  <em> Ellie’s hands and clothes covered in bright red blood, the smell of iron assaulted her nose, burning and omnipresent.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ellie shook her head, blinking several times. The inhuman whines of her victim still present in her ears. She looked down at her feet and saw the hunter, his throat slit, a mock of horror on his face, the red blood contrasting vividly against the snow.</p><p>She felt dizzy, and it didn’t matter how much she tried to breathe. There was just no air. But she had to keep going. They had to find JJ, and if it was for him… For Dina… She would kill if she had to.</p><p>She wasn’t in Santa Barbara anymore. Or so she kept repeating herself as they advanced down the road. Ellie’s eyes kept frantically looking around, despite her efforts to keep them focused on Dina, who took point and was leading her to their destination.</p><p>A scream, a gunshot, the awful sounds of battle, violence and death felt distorted and loud, threatening to drown her and her tortured mind, pulling her down into darkness. She could see how the dull colors distorted. How the panic and anger raised in her chest. Every time she blinked, she saw Dina being held hostage, a knife resting on her throat, dirty hands keeping her in place.</p><p>And all she wanted to do was kill.</p><p>The walk towards Jesse’s parents place seemed long and excruciating. With each step, it felt like the path ahead of them was stretching, becoming longer. </p><p>Ellie could still smell the iron, the salt in her nose and mouth, the gross and sticky feeling of the blood drying on her skin and her clothes.</p><p>And when Ellie was forced to face yet another enemy, her hands were so shaky and unsteady, she couldn’t trust them. Her mind kept screaming, longing for the kill, for the feeling of releasing an arrow that cut the raider’s life short in a fraction of second. How powerful it felt...</p><p>But she just couldn’t do it. She refused.</p><p>One of the arrows landed on the hunter’s thigh, making him scream in agony and drop the weapon he was carrying. A second arrow landed on his shoulder, pushing him back the alley. </p><p>And Dina simply pulled the safety off her gun and shot the hunter in the chest with a slight shake in her hands, his body plummeting to the floor.</p><p>
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  <em> Ellie opened her eyes wide in horror and then pressed them shut. It was her who they wanted. Dying wouldn’t be so bad after all, wouldn’t it? Anything to quiet down the awful turmoil of thoughts rampaging in her mind. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You killed my friends. We let you both live… And you wasted it!” Abby roared, and pressed the trigger, the deafening sound of the bullet leaving the chamber of her weapon echoed in the theatre. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>When Ellie opened her eyes, she was still there. Alive. Her sharp breathing loud, the tightness in her chest pressing. It felt like her ribcage was being crushed. She rested one hand on her chest, fighting as best as she could to remain in the present.</p><p>Grounded. She focused on the disturbed snow at her feet. On the chill wind waving the loose strands of her hair on her face. The sound of familiar steps, the warm feeling of Dina’s hand on her shoulder. Her dark, concerned eyes, scanning her face.</p><p>“Oh, Ellie…” She whispered.</p><p>“I’m fine.” Ellie recoiled at the contact, her voice strangled through her clenched teeth. She felt guilty for envying how Dina easily got rid of the hunter. “We’re close. We have to move.”</p><p>They both reached Jesse’s old house a few moments later. Dina slammed her fist on the door twice. “Robin?! Ellen?! It’s me!”</p><p>The door snapped open and Jessie’s mother appeared, her eyes wide in fear. In a fraction of second she hugged Dina so tightly it took her breath away.</p><p>“Oh my goodness thank god you are okay!” The woman cried and then proceeded to gesture vehemently inside. “Come in, quickly.”</p><p>Ellie didn’t even consider if she was welcome there or not. She simply walked inside behind Dina and closed the door, her eyes scanning the living room she knew so well from all the times she had spent the night at that house. But board games and drinking nights were a thing of the past now, and they have been for some time.</p><p>“No one has tried to come in?” Ellie demanded. </p><p>Her eyes scanned the room and after a moment of conflict, she simply grabbed the solid wood cabinet next to the door and pulled it towards the entrance, knocking the pictures and the vase that were resting on it. </p><p>The sharp sound of broken crystal forced her to a halt, her surroundings suddenly changing.</p><p>
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  <em> The glass shattered under Ellie’s weight, the sharp shards opening a wide cut on her arm and thigh. She didn’t care. She had felt worse pain through her life.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> With her breath coming out loudly through her clenched teeth, she stumbled in the darkness. The awful, clicking sound of the infected, their inhuman and broken moans. Thousands of them walking down the street, towards her. Towards the sound. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She cursed at herself for being so reckless, but there was no other choice. The area surrounding Vegas was crawling with the monsters. She pushed herself back up, wincing at the pain her injures provided. She couldn’t die yet. Not until Abby was dealt with. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It wouldn’t be fair if the only immune human out there was killed by a pack of random infected before fulfilling her purpose. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Abby… Abby… Abby…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie pushed the door open and saw the stairs that lead into darkness. A basement. She knew she had only a few seconds to rush to safety, but she couldn’t push herself to go down the stairs. She could hear him there, his cries of pain, his horrifying screams. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Ellie! Help me! Help me!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Fuck this. Just… fuck this shit.” She whispered, her jaw set, the already familiar pain running on her skin, every inch of it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She rushed downstairs, closed the door behind her and stumbled in the dark, looking for something. Anything to keep the door shut. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Her hands discovered the flat, metallic surface of something, a locker maybe? Something else? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She didn’t care. With all the strength she could muster, she pulled from it, the sound of dragging on the dirty floor under her feet. The locker rested heavy against the door and then she stopped, still, silent in the dark. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The moans and growls outside got louder. </em>
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</p><p>Ellie stopped for a second, blinking in quick succession, her breath sharp and heavy. She could feel everyone’s gaze on her. There was no time to fall apart now.</p><p>“No… we heard the alarm…” Ellen said, wincing.</p><p>Ellie heard Robin’s steps behind her and JJ’s whimpers, and raised her head to look at the kid. JJ had his dark eyes wide open, fixed on Ellie’s face, tears streaming down his face. He was protectively held by the old man. Not even seeing JJ there, safe, protected, was enough to calm her down.</p><p>It wasn’t safe.</p><p>“Damn I was going to go find you but…”</p><p>“It’s okay. It’s too dangerous out there right now.” Dina said, taking JJ in her arms and keeping him close to her chest. The boy was still sobbing, visibly scared, as she bounced him slightly, whispering reassuring words on his ear. </p><p>Dina’s eyes kept dwelling between her son and Ellie, who struggled with the furniture.</p><p>“We have to barricade all the doors. Come on.” Ellie’s hands shook briefly, her heart kept beating fast and her eyes kept jumping from one spot to the next. </p><p>She gave a final push until the cabinet blocked the entrance and resumed her erratic pacing around. Suddenly everything felt like a weakness, a threat. An exposed window. The backyard door. Everything. </p><p>“Is that your blood?” Ellen asked in horror, pointing at Ellie’s face and clothes. “Are you okay, Ellie?”</p><p>“It… It’s not, no.” The woman simply replied, shaking her head.</p><p>“Jesus, mary and joseph…”</p><p>Frustrated at everyone’s lack of action, Ellie released all her anger in a huff and proceeded to check everywhere by herself, her hand resting on the holster of her pistol, her bow bouncing on her back. Ellie could feel everyone’s eyes fixed right on the back of her neck as she struggled to keep it together, the waves of panic and fury coming one after another, unstoppable and relentless.</p><p>She checked the kitchen and pushed the wooden table against the door as quickly as she could. Then she proceeded to put the latch on it.</p><p>“Ellie?” Dina approached her cautiously, almost as if Ellie was some wounded animal that could attack her with any sudden motion. She at least made sure JJ was safe on his grandfather’s arms in the living room.</p><p>Ellie didn’t even respond. She pointed at the other side of the room briefly, without even looking at Dina. She kept pacing, looking for any other entry points she could fortify. “Check the other windows. Do you have more ammo?”</p><p>“Ellie, stop…”</p><p>“We need to make… sure everything is… I can…”</p><p>“For fucks sake, Ellie!” Dina grabbed her by the arms and pulled her around, shaking her softly. Ellie blinked twice in confusion at her, then dropped her gaze unable to stand Dina’s terrified expression. “Look at me.<em> You need to stop. </em>”</p><p>“We might not be safe.” Ellie replied, trying to pull away with no success. “I’m not… We can’t...”</p><p>“It’s gonna be fine.” Dina said firmly, squeezing her arms reassuringly. “We need to stay put now.”</p><p>“I know I…” Ellie muttered, looking around. “I just…”</p><p>“Breathe.” Dina whispered and setting the example, she took a deep breath, held it and then released it softly.</p><p>
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  <em> It was closed night when she managed to find her way back to the farm. Her body kept shaking, her muscles sore of how tense they were. She kept scratching his right arm in a futile attempt to keep her mind distracted from the relentless heat and pain in her skin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie didn’t want to come inside. She didn’t want to face Dina after she had made up an excuse to not stand JJ’s grandparents pushing them to go back to Jackson. She couldn’t take it anymore. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But instead of saying something, instead of talking, she had quite literally ran away into the woods for hours on end. She was sure Dina was furious at her, and she accepted that. She had all the right to be angry. But that didn’t mean Ellie wanted to talk about why she had to leave. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> How Ellen and Robin asking them to go back to Jackson was like pouring acid on a fresh wound. How the very few weeks they had to stay at the town were a complete nightmare, reliving Joel’s funeral every single day. Walking the streets, almost hoping her eyes stumbled upon him, like it all was just an awful nightmare. But there was no waking up from the pain and horror she felt, the dread that crushed her soul every day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Fuck me.” She muttered in anger and taking a deep breath, she walked into the house. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Dina was still awake, sitting on the couch, sporting the usual tanktop and shorts she wore to sleep. JJ was nowhere to be seen, probably already fast asleep considering how late it was.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey.” Ellie muttered, her eyes fixed on the floor. She didn’t want to even entertain the idea of talking about it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Dina sighed in frustration. Ellie was almost ready for her to yell something, to get even more pissed than she already was at her disappearance. Instead, the woman approached her, grabbed her by the hand and without saying a single word, she guided her upstairs. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Gently, methodically, without even asking for permission, Dina took off Ellie’s boots, her shirt and her jeans and helped her get into bed. There was tension, anger filled the air, but concern and love, did too. No one said anything that night. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And when the nightmares finally came, Ellie could feel Dina’s arms wrapped around her, tight, her soft voice whispering in her ear. “Breathe, El… Just… breathe.” </em>
</p><p>
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</p><p>Ellie struggled for a moment and then imitated her. She could feel the air filling her lungs, tightening up her chest almost painfully and then she released it through her trembling lips. The dizziness and the flashes of red in her sight started to go away slowly as they breathed together.</p><p>There was something on Dina’s expression that made Ellie’s eyes tear up. There was fear, yet tenderness and maybe a bit of sadness, all tangled up. </p><p>And Ellie felt exactly like that night at the farm, months ago. Angry at herself, feeling guilty and undeserving. Like she was poison, and everything around her got tainted by her very presence.</p><p>Dina softly rearranged a loose strand of Ellie’s hair behind her ear, hand lingering on the back of her neck, stroking it softly. Ellie’s skin was suddenly on fire at the touch, her face turning red. She sighed and closed her eyes, trying to keep her mind in the present. </p><p>Slowly, Dina lead her to the kitchen sink. She grabbed a rag from the counter, wet it there and proceeded to clean Ellie’s bloodied face. The taller girl kept taking deep breaths, feeling how her heart started to run at a more steady and slow pace.</p><p>Dina was doing what she swore she wasn't going to do again. And Ellie despised how grateful she was for it, when the voices in her head kept screaming how she didn’t deserve it.</p><p>They kept staring at each other, tension raising. Ellie could feel how the air around them thickened, her stomach twisted uncomfortably, nerves running up her spine in chills. She couldn’t take off her eyes off Dina’s face, her tender eyes, her shaky lips, ridiculously close…</p><p>The fast and brusque knocks on the door startled them, breaking whatever spell they were under.</p><p>“Robin?! Ellen!? Are you okay?”</p><p>“Tommy.” Ellie and Dina whispered almost in unison, and both walked back to the living room, where Robin was already moving the furniture away to open the door.</p><p>Tommy was there, leaning on the frame of the door, his gray hair loose and messy without the usual ponytail, his chest coming up and down fast as he struggled to breathe. His mauled face looked even more scary with the bright red of his blood rolling down on the side.</p><p>“You made it.” He whispered in relief when he saw Dina and Ellie.</p><p>“Oh my god! Are you okay? Come in, please!” Ellen said, with a horrified expression as she offered him help to walk inside.</p><p>The man flopped on the couch for a moment, groaning at the stiffness of his leg and leaving the rifle resting on the side of the seat, always handy. Ellen disappeared through a door and a moment later she was back, carrying a medkit on her hands. She proceeded to take a look at Tommy’s injury.</p><p>“It seems to be over.” The man said with a groan, resting his head on the back of the seat.</p><p>“Are you sure?” Robin asked with cautiousness, his hands protectively holding JJ. The little boy had stopped crying, his dark eyes bouncing around and a pout on his lips.</p><p>“Yeah. We pulled it off.” Tommy replied, wincing in pain. “We are now… assessing damage. Making sure none of these pieces of shit are still hiding. Maria is on it.”</p><p>“Is she okay?” Ellen asked.</p><p>“Hell she saved my crippled ass on my way here.” Tommy shook his head, his chuckle cut short by raw coughing. “She’s okay. We… we lost some people. Can’t be sure until we check everywhere but… We seem to be safe for now.”</p><p>“Oh, no.”</p><p>“You know what happened?” Ellie asked, crossing her arms over her chest. She could feel her hands still shaking, digging the nails on her skin.</p><p>“Apparently these assholes sneaked in.” Tommy said. “Took out two lookouts and forced open the east gate. We got reports of people in the area in the past few days but… they took out one of our patrols.”</p><p>Ellie opened her eyes in shock and cursed under her breath.</p><p>“The east gate?” Dina asked in dread. “Fuck, did they use that passage?”</p><p>“We should have gotten that fixed years ago.” Tommy sighed. “But damn teenagers kept sneaking out I guess we know how now.”</p><p>“It could have been a massacre…” Robin said with a frown, his usually gentle voice loaded with sharpness. “We can’t afford that security failure, Tommy.”</p><p>“I know. I’ll make sure we sort this out.” Tommy said with vehemence. Once Ellen finished cleaning up his wound, the man nodded at her in thanks and got back up with a groan. “I have to see Maria now, see how can I…” He made a hopeless gesture with his hands. “Make myself useful. Tell her you’re all okay.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Dina said, genuinely.</p><p>Tommy simply nodded at her, his gaze lingered briefly on JJ, sadness erasing the tiredness of his expression for a moment. Then, he approached the door, closely followed by Jesse’s mom.</p><p>“Stay put. Once we are sure we are in the clear I’ll send someone.” Tommy said and after one last glance at Ellie, he was gone, door closing after him.</p><p>The silence thickened in the room. Ellie hated how fragile she felt, how unstable her surroundings looked like. How her heart kept racing painfully in her chest.</p><p>Ellen and Robin exchanged a knowing look.</p><p>“We’ll… we’ll take JJ upstairs, sweetheart.” The woman said, taking a moment to squeeze Dina’s shoulder. Her dark eyes kept jumping from her to Ellie, visibly worried. </p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>“Hang in there, kid.” Robin said, walking away, not before softly patting Ellie’s shoulder with an affection she didn’t expect. The girl simply blinked and nodded, struggling to keep herself steady.</p><p>Once they were alone, Ellie couldn’t handle being still anymore. She started to pace around in front of the couch, her breathing speeding up, her insides burning and twisting painfully. She could feel how her muscles kept coming stiff and tight.</p><p>“El?” Dina called to her softly, once again approaching her with a caution Ellie despised.</p><p>But she was right. Ellie was a monster. She tried to tell herself that she wasn’t but she couldn’t stop thinking about how she had killed the hunters. And Owen. And Mel… and Nora… all those people at the resort... and so many others in her sick journey.</p><p>She hoped to had made some progress. She was feeling more in control. But one slip up almost sends her back to Santa Barbara… to smile at the sight of a dying man who was begging for his life. To taunt death with every step. The rewarding feeling of pulling the trigger on those people.</p><p>The nightmare felt so real now. Her words written on the journal burning in her mind.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I think I’m just not okay with myself. With all I’ve done. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“I …” Ellie said, her voice broken and strangled. She looked up and found Dina’s gaze, full of concern and fear.</p><p>Her face must have given her away, because in one swift motion, Dina closed the distance between them and hugged Ellie, so tight she felt all the air get knocked out of her lungs. And after a moment of hesitation, she hugged her back, as tight as her shaky body allowed and rested her face on the shorter girl’s shoulder, staining her sweater with salty tears. </p><p>“Fuck, I was so scared.” Ellie muttered. She closed her eyes as hard as she could.</p><p>“Me too.” Dina whispered in her ear, her hands rubbing Ellie’s back. “But we’re okay. It’s okay.”</p><p>“I didn’t want to but…” Ellie rambled, her voice barely coming through her clenched teeth. Her body kept shaking so hard Dina tightened up her hug fiercely. “Fuck, you could have…”</p><p>Suddenly, Dina released her and grabbed Ellie’s face with both hands, wiping away the tears from her cheeks. Her dark eyes were soft and warm, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.</p><p>“But I didn’t, did I?” Dina stared at her with such intensity the air became thick and tense.</p><p>They stared at each other for a few seconds and then Ellie looked away, taking a deep breath. Her senses were overwhelmed, her skin hurt, her heart keep jumping threatening to burst at any moment.</p><p>“El…”</p><p>“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I… I lost you once and I can’t… I don’t…”</p><p>Dina leaned closer, resting her forehead on Ellie’s, their noses almost touching. Electricity filled the air and Ellie’s skin crawled, a chill going down her spine. Her eyes dwelled for a fraction of second on Dina’s freckles, on her shaky lips… Ellie could kiss her, right then and there and let it all go.</p><p>But she couldn’t. It wasn’t fair that Dina was in this position again, taking care of her, trying to assemble all the broken pieces. Not without knowing how broken she really was. What kind of monster would allow that for a second time?</p><p>Ellie grabbed Dina’s hands and pulled them away from her face. She could see the wince of pain her actions produced, how Dina’s soft eyes suddenly went cold and hurt at the sudden rejection. But Ellie held onto her hands and forced her eyes to look at Dina’s face, as she pronounced the words that could mean the end of everything she had hoped to recover.</p><p>“I need to tell you… Before I can’t again. If I… I don’t know if I will be able to but you… You deserve better.”</p><p>Dina sighed, whether in sadness or frustration, Ellie couldn’t tell. And when she pulled away, Ellie felt an emptiness in her chest that she didn’t feel since she came back to the farm and found it empty.</p><p>“Tell me, then.” Dina said, her voice shaky, but her resolution visible. “Let’s talk.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. I'm Here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> The stairs that lead to the basement were dark, barely lit by the blinking lamp on the ceiling. His desperate, raw shout echoed in the hallway, the oppressive hum of the walls threatening to drown his voice forever. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Ellie! Help me!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie ran. She ran as fast as she could. She reached the door, turned the handle and pushed all her weight on it, busting it open. “Joel!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Ellie!” He screamed, the vowels falling from his mouth, spitting blood on the floor. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Before she could reach him, a pair of strong hands grabbed Ellie and pushed her to the ground. Then another pair. Then another. The weight was crushing her bones and the horror of what she was witnessing was even more painful than the solid presence of the floor, right under her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Get up! Joel fucking get up!” Ellie demanded, struggling to no avail. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She couldn’t see anything but Joel, his head crushed, his body limp, his blood, sweat and tears staining his surroundings. His only good eye, lacking its usual spark, fixed on her. She struggled more, aching for release. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Finish it. Now.” A male voice said, the words suddenly drowned by the monstrous sound of the swing, the golf club cutting the cold, thick air like a sharp knife. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “NO!” Ellie screamed. The sound of shattering bones barely audible over her raw, desperate voice.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Abby looked over her shoulder with a mock of disgust on her face, her eyes landing on Ellie’s shaken features. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Eyes wide open, fire burning in her chest, she made a promise. She could feel it forming in the pit of her stomach, filling her lungs, setting her blood on fire and coming out of her shaky, bloody lips like a roar of hatred that threatened to destroy the world. </em>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>“I’ll fucking kill you!”</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Ellie? Ellie!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie suddenly blinked twice, and Joel wasn’t there anymore. The sun was coming through the open window, the curtains lazily waving with the soft breeze. The smell of homemade food, recently cut grass… a pair of concerned dark eyes she knew so well. The pain hidden behind them. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Are you even listening?” Dina asked softly, her lips pursed in a mock of worry. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She was holding JJ with one arm and a wet cloth, stains of mashed food all over her ocre shirt. The baby kept babbling, proud of the mess he had orchestrated. The plate on the floor, a clear indicator of the sharp, metallic noise that had sent Ellie back in time. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> They were at the farm, Ellie thought to herself. She wasn’t at that basement. It’s been over a year now since she was there. It has been over a year since J… Since he was gone. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie could still feel the hands of all the people she had killed, gripping her frame. Her mind had never left the basement floor. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Uh… yeah.” Ellie muttered, shaking her head. She could feel her skin hurting all over, from the tip of her toes to the top of her head. She rubbed her face with her arm in impatience. “No. Sorry. What?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Are you okay?” Dina asked, concern pushing her eyebrows together.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie hated the way Dina was looking at her, like she was about to shatter into a million pieces. Maybe she was, but it didn’t make it any easier to tolerate.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” Ellie sighed, a futile attempt of proffer a weak, shaky smile that was so unconvincing she didn’t even want to keep trying. “What were you saying?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Can you take care of him for a moment?” Dina said, with a hint of resignation. She offered the little JJ to her, her gaze still cautious. “I need to clean this up.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sure. I… of course. Come here, potato.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie took the baby and her eyes got lost on his chubby face, his easy smile, his pink cheeks and the short thin hair that was growing in every direction. He fit on her arms so easily, like two pieces of a puzzle. His weight and warmth were comforting, the wet sounds he made with his mouth a lullaby, that put her senses at ease. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> When would this end, she thought. </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em> It was dark outside. Night had fallen, bringing with it the chill breeze her hurting, hot skin had been longing for all day. The darkness though, didn’t make anything easier. It was a preamble for all the bad dreams that would come, the feeling of panic and burning hatred she could feel in her chest. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie was sitting down at the foot of the bed, on the usual spot she occupied when she needed a minute. Hell, she always needed a minute. How long was this awful, oppressive feeling that threatened to drown every single ounce of will would last?  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> She hated it. But she hated her memories more. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie’s fingers traced a lazy circle over the broken watch. The light coming from the lamp on the nightstand tearing sharp glimpses of light from the edges. “Your watch is broken.” She had said when they first met, only replied to with a groan of annoyance that rumbled on Joel’s chest.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If she knew back then why he had carried that watch for over twenty years… Was she going to do the same? Carry Joel’s last moments around for years, reliving his tortured end, instead of the good memories she knew were there, somewhere? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey. I wondered where you were.” Dina’s soft voice snapped her out of her train of thought. It was understanding, a limp smile curling up her full lips. But her gaze, that concern Ellie despised, was there, bright and evident.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey. Yeah. Sorry I just needed a minute.” Ellie said dismissively and then proceeded to carefully store the watch back inside the drawer, under her clothes. “Is JJ asleep already?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Yeah. For now.” Dina said in a whisper, walking inside the room. JJ was indeed sound asleep in her arms, his head snuggled against her neck, his tiny hand grasping the fabric of the shirt underneath. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Carefully, Dina put her son in his crib and dwelled on it, unable to hid the overwhelming love she felt. The sight warmed Ellie’s heart in a way she was grateful for. She felt so cold lately... </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Let’s see how long that lasts.” Dina said with a soft chuckle and grabbed Ellie’s hand, rubbing her thumb over the last lines of her tattoo. “Why don’t you come downstairs? We could use a break, don’t you think?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie’s small smile faltered. She didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t want to explain what had happened that evening, what she remembered. She wanted to just push it all to the back of her mind, in a dark corner, inside a locked box and throw away the key, forever. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But she couldn’t. There wasn’t one moment the lingering darkness inside wouldn’t be present in some way or another. She was grateful for the brief moments of peace Dina and JJ gave her… but some days, those weren’t enough to stop her broken thoughts from taking over. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Uh, I’ll go in a minute.” Ellie muttered, softly pulling her hand away. Her eyes rested on JJ’s sleeping silhouette, unable to look at Dina.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “El…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m fine, babe.” Ellie whispered with a sharp edge of tiredness. “Just go. I’ll catch up.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Alright.” </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em> “Ellie! Help me! Please!” Joel screamed in her nightmares. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie ran, ran as fast as her weak legs allowed. Her broken right arm moved painfully useless at her side, the awful pain of her face, broken and beaten up, her eyes seeing red, the blood stuck on her eyelids. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Joel!” Ellie tried to scream, her voice stuck in her throat. She spat blood all over her shirt and pushed open the door. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The theatre materialized in front of her and she raised her left hand, her eyes fixed on Abby’s tense stance in front of her. Her blonde hair, her eyes full of hatred, her muscular arms, her knuckles, sliced open and covered in blood. Ellie’s blood. Dina’s blood. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “We let you both live! And you wasted it!” She said, raising her weapon, aiming for her face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Every time Ellie blinked, the moment stretched. She could feel how her breathing went more and more erratic and every time she closed her eyes she could see him. Laying on the ground, lifeless. Dead, without knowing she had forgiven him. Dead without knowing how sorry she was, how much she hated herself for wasting all that time. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Abby had taken Joel away from her. And Ellie didn’t care what he had done in the past. She didn’t care if Joel had killed every single last Firefly. All she wanted was to see him smiling, a mug of coffee in his hand and a song on his lips. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But that was never going to happen now. All she would ever remember of Joel was how defeated he was, how the tiredness he felt in his bones translated perfectly to the last breath he took. His only good eye looking at her without seeing.</em>
</p><p><b> <em>“I will fucking kill you!”</em> </b> <em> Ellie roared, her skin suddenly feeling like it was on fire. The flames consumed everything, tainting it, making her surroundings and Abby look sharp, violent red. “All of you! You can’t stop this!” </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Her own voice startled Ellie awake. She opened her eyes wide in the darkness, her entire body shaking, covered in sweat. A couple of salty tears rolled sideways on her face, and got lost on the pillow. She was so cold, cursing at the shiver that ran down her spine. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Hey. Come here.” Dina’s voice said softly from behind, a warm arm wrapping over her and squeezing, almost as if she was scared of Ellie slipping away. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And maybe she was. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie tried to no avail to relax in the embrace, in the confort it offered, in how it grounded her. They were at the farm. She was there, with Dina and JJ. She wasn’t in Seattle anymore. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Ellie had tried so hard to not shatter and break, to not lose the little bit of composure she managed to pretend. She didn’t want anyone to see how broken, how full of hatred and pain she was. How powerless and weak it made her feel. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Those poisonous feelings were hers to keep, her punishment for failing her revenge.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But with the darkness all around, the soft breath of Dina on her shoulder, her frame pressed against Ellie’s back; was all it took for the dam to break. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m sorry.” Ellie whimpered and covered her face with both hands, a strangled sob crushing her chest. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Don’t. I got you.” Dina hugged her harder, tighter, closer. “Just breathe. It’s going to be fine.” </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Night fell on Jackson sooner than Ellie would have liked. They were back at Dina’s small place, despite the persistence of Ellen and Robin to stay the night with them. Ellie had no idea what to tell them, but Dina handled the situation as well as she expected.</p><p>The town was safe, or so Maria reassured them before they left Jesse’s old house. There was a lot of work to be done after the attack but at least that night, they could have a quiet moment before facing the challenges of a new day. Of empty chairs at the diner and funerals to come for the fallen.</p><p>Ellie felt slightly more in control now. JJ sound asleep in her arms, babbling in his dreams. The comforting warmth of the kid on her chest and his slow, peaceful breathing against her neck helped Ellie remain in the present. Or as much as she could, anyway.</p><p>The memories of the farm kept playing in her head, over and over, a loop of all the times she had avoided talking about all her burdens, her guilt and her pain. It felt so different now that she had to keep the promise she made to herself, for better or worse. </p><p>She had to be honest and talk to Dina, and accept whatever outcome that would bring.</p><p>So, Ellie put JJ to bed, dwelling for a moment to caress his thin, black hair. She loved to watch him sleep, so peaceful, so innocent. It gave her the strength she needed to take a deep breath and confront her demons. And hope for the best, even if it wasn’t what she wanted.</p><p>Ellie came back to the living room and let herself fall on the couch, her back stiff, her eyes taking in her surroundings. She was trying really hard to not think this could be literally the last time she was even allowed near the small place she wanted to call home.</p><p>Dina appeared a moment later, carrying a glass of water. Ellie took it, trying to ignore the warmth of Dina’s touch on her fingers and took a few sips, wondering if she would be even able to keep it down after such a terrible day. Her stomach didn’t seem to be collaborating anyway.</p><p>Dina simply sat next to her on the couch, with concern vivid in her gaze and waited, unsure of what she should say or do. Ellie sighed, leaving the almost untouched glass on the coffee table and rested her elbows on her knees, her head hanging low.</p><p>“Thank you.” Ellie muttered and winced at how weak and raw her voice sounded.</p><p>“Hey. It’s okay.” Dina said, as she scooted closer. </p><p>She rested a hand on Ellie’s knee in a reassuring gesture that made the taller girl cringe even further, pushing her forehead against her closed fists.</p><p>“It’s… It’s not. It’s really fucking hard.” Ellie said with a sigh. “I’m fucking terrified.”</p><p>And she was. She was insanely aware of how hard her heart throbbed in her chest, punching against her ribs like an ominous drum, going faster and faster with each second that passed. How her skin crawled, how every sense was insanely acute and alert. How cold she felt, and how Dina’s warm hand on her knee burned.</p><p>“Ellie. I’m here. It will be fine.”</p><p>“I…"  Ellie released a defeated sigh, unable to hold her gaze. "Okay."</p><p>She could see Dina by the corner of her eye, staring. Waiting. It was time. So she let her back rest against the couch despite how stiff she felt, how tense she was, how her muscles kept spasming, the adrenaline running freely through her veins like fire.</p><p>One would think she was about to fight a pack of infected or a bloater or any other threat. Instead, Ellie started to talk.</p><p>“There are things you know.” She started, doubtful, struggling to find the right words as usual. But she pushed through the fog in her head, hoping that as she continued, it sounded better than it did in her head. “And others you don’t. I told you about Boston. That I lived at the QZ. I told you about the bite. I was fourteen.”</p><p>There was a brief silence, inviting. Dina squeezed her knee softly.  “Yeah. You said your friend died and you didn’t. What has that to do with anything?”</p><p>Everything, Ellie thought. How her life and her purpose was marked in that moment. And how hard it was to talk about it still, years and years after the worst had happened.</p><p>“Three weeks later I met Joel. He was a smuggler. He was supposed to take me to the Fireflies. They were searching for… a cure? So, this woman Marlene needed me there. Joel and I looked for them together for over a year.” Ellie could feel how her throat started to tighten as she talked, how dry it felt. “We found them at Salt Lake Hospital.”</p><p>Another silence, this time sharp and tense. Dina rearranged herself on her seat, suddenly uncomfortable. “Go on.”</p><p>“Last thing I remember was drowning.” Ellie pulled her mouth down in that mock of uncertainty that felt almost like a trademark. “We were in some sort of fucked up flooded tunnel and Joel was trying to save me. Then I… Just woke up wearing hospital clothes, in a car. Joel was driving us back to Jackson.”</p><p>Dina didn’t say anything. Ellie could feel her tension, her fingers suddenly digging a bit deeper in the fabric of her jeans, how her big, dark eyes were bright in confusion and fear, maybe.</p><p>Ellie swallowed hard and continued, avoiding her gaze.</p><p>“Joel told me that my immunity didn’t mean anything. That there were a lot of other people like me. I thought he was lying but I couldn’t know for sure. It felt fucking awful for it to not mean anything at all.”</p><p>“You guys seemed so close when we were younger.” Dina said with a frown. She was clearly trying to connect this new information with what she knew. Ellie had always kept secrets and Joel was a goddamn mystery sometimes, even to her. “He was a bit overprotective but I get that. Then suddenly there was kind of an abyss. You didn’t even want to mention his name.”</p><p>“You remember that time I ran away?” Ellie asked, shaking her head. “We were like sixteen or something.”</p><p>“I remember Cat was fucking upset.” Dina said, suddenly flashing a weak smirk that made Ellie scoff. She was clearly trying to lighten up the burden and Ellie appreciated that deeply. “Poor Cat, putting up with your bullshit.”</p><p>“She hated my guts for like a week after I came back.” Ellie said. Now, she could somehow proffer a weak smile at the memory of her, huffing and puffing for not being included in the plan.</p><p>“I did too.” Dina perked an eyebrow. “My best friend suddenly running off to god knows where and not asking <em> me </em>to tag along? That hurt like a bitch.”</p><p>“You never said anything.” Ellie looked at her for the first time since she started to talk and couldn’t help but smile at her with that dumb grin of hers.</p><p>“Oh, I wouldn’t let <em> you </em>of all people know that. I had a reputation to keep.” Dina teased. She started to trace small circles with her thumb on Ellie’s knee, her gaze suddenly dropping on the floor. So did her smile. “I was just glad that you were back but you were so upset.”</p><p>Ellie knew the brief, familiar moment they were having wasn’t going to last so she made sure to capitalize on it, to burn it in her memory. Just in case. Then, she sighed.</p><p>“Because I found out what really happened at that hospital. I went there on my own.” Ellie’s gaze fell on Dina with intensity, trying to get the point across. Like she needed her to understand how fucked up it all was. “He killed them all, Dina. Including the only person that could make a cure, apparently.”</p><p>Ellie hated how raw and painful it felt to say it out loud. How terrifying it was to watch Dina’s eyes go wide open in shock and horror. How her knee suddenly was as cold as the rest of her body when Dina retrieved her hand and covered her own mouth with it in surprise.</p><p>“Oh… oh, no.”</p><p>“He said that to make a cure I’d... have to die.”</p><p>“Do you understand why he did it?” Dina asked weakly. “I mean, I still think curing this is <em> fucking impossible </em> but…”</p><p>Ellie looked away, the crushing reality threatening to stomp on her. Joel made her purpose crumble to the ground with one simple, violent act. It took away everything she hoped to achieve with her life in one simple decision. And she wasn’t even conscious to argue about it.</p><p>“He told me he would do that all over again.” Ellie said, forcing herself to look at Dina. All she saw in her eyes was understanding and that somehow didn’t make sense in her head. “And back then I didn’t get it but still, I wanted to forgive him.”</p><p>“Then…”</p><p>Ellie squeezed her eyes shut. Joel’s kind, serious expression suddenly turned in the grotesque image that had followed her for over two years now, every time darkness came.</p><p>“Yeah. We talked the night before he was…” Ellie blinked the image away, shaking her head. She released all the air in her lungs, air she had been holding for a while, without even realising. She rubbed her hands on her jeans, shaky and unstable. “Before he died. Joel saved me at that hospital and that costed him his life. He’s gone because of me. And because he couldn’t fucking let me die.”</p><p>Dina grabbed her hand suddenly and stopped her frantic motion, earning a confused glance from Ellie. Dina looked at her with intent, her dark eyes filled with determination. “El, you know that’s bullshit. I would have been pissed too. But now? I get it. If it was JJ…”</p><p>Joel had a reason behind his actions. A reason Ellie never understood, not really. Not until they talked that night after the dance and really saw the way Joel looked at her, his gaze full of hope. Not completely until she held JJ for the first time in her arms. And how the small baby that wasn’t hers suddenly was.</p><p>“I’d do the same thing he did.” Ellie said, her voice raw and threatening all of the sudden. She had done it before. Let the wild, untamed monster she harbored inside to take over, to annihilate everything and everyone that would get in her way. “I wouldn’t give a fuck about the cure or the world or anything. Even if he hated me for it.”</p><p>“I don’t fucking care if it’s selfish.” Dina agreed, narrowing her eyes. “And I’m sorry but It doesn’t matter how much you want to die, El.”</p><p>“It’s not his fault I’m stupid and wasted so much time being angry. He made his choice, then those fuckers came and I…” Ellie scoffed at the humorless laugh that suddenly came through her lips. She felt so stupid now. So irredeemable. “I couldn’t let it go. It haunted me. It still does, I see his face. And I see all the shit i’ve done.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nora begged for her to end it. To put her out of the misery Ellie had inflicted upon her. Another swing of the pipe and she was gone. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Owen patted his chest frantically, staring in disbelief at the red blood pouring out of the wounds. He plummeted to the floor with no ceremony, no mercy. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Mel choked, the sharp knife cutting through her throat, her eyes wide open in shock. </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>“And when we came back I… There wasn’t a day I didn’t think about what happened in Seattle.” Ellie said bitterly. All the violent, gruesome images of her actions burned forever in her mind. “There wasn’t a day i didn’t want to go and hunt her down. Make her pay.”</p><p>“You hid that from me, but it’s not like I couldn’t see it, El.” Dina said, tightening her grip around Ellie’s wrist.</p><p>And she sighed, knowing. Knowing very well how she sucked at hiding how much pain she was in, even if she tried. Ellie didn’t even tried to argue with that. All the nights she wouldn’t sleep, all the nights she would just sit there, staring blankly at nothing. All the times Dina tried to talk to her but she wasn’t even listening. It was like existing in two different planes, not entirely in one or the other.</p><p>Ellie may as well have been a ghost back then. A shadow of her former self, hollow and empty, cracking bad jokes and puns as if those were somehow going to make up for her absence. </p><p>“We didn’t even talk that much back then.” Dina continued, almost shyly. Her fingers kept tracing the hamsa bracelet Ellie still carried, like a treasure. “Sure we had our moments but I tried so hard to let you understand you could talk to me about it. Every time you couldn’t handle it, I could see it. But you never let me in.”</p><p>“I kept running away. I pretended that I was fine but I really wasn’t.” After a moment of hesitation, Ellie rested her left on Dina’s hand. The stumps where her fingers used to be contrasted vividly. “I’ve always… I shouldn’t have put you in that position. Ever.”</p><p>“I put myself there.” Dina replied with a hint of exasperation. “I <em> wanted </em>to.”</p><p>“I couldn’t see it. I was too blind, too stupid to get it. I’m the monster you saw today.” Ellie said firmly, staring at Dina as if it was some sort of warning for the ominous things to come. A warning that she was dangerous and she shouldn’t be there, sitting at the couch, so close it hurt. “I don’t want to be that. I don’t want to… turn into that.”</p><p>“I was afraid you did. When you..." Dina’s gaze suddenly lit up. That fear Ellie had seen behind them earlier that day, when she was being held hostage. “When you left us, what hurt me the most was that you were consumed by it. You let it get to you. I was afraid there was nothing left of <em>my El. </em>”</p><p>“Do you still think there is something, anything left?” Ellie asked weakly, hoping. Her voice was so shy and broken it made her feel tiny. “That I can...”</p><p>“I can see it. You look and behave so differently now. And I haven’t heard you talk about Joel in years and you just did.” Dina’s lips curved up slightly. “I’d say that’s progress.”</p><p>“Yeah. Maybe.”</p><p>For a few moments, a deep silence ensued. They just stayed there on the couch, stealing glances from each other every so often. A small smile, a caress on their hands, the air thickening around them, making Ellie’s skin shiver in a way that wasn’t at all unpleasant. In a way she hadn’t felt in forever.</p><p>“Did you really spare her?” Dina then asked, a hint of disbelief.</p><p>“You mean after I left the two people I love the most, crossed three states, killed a bunch of hunters, pulled a knife on a kid’s throat and forced her to fight me?”</p><p>Ellie laughed humorlessly and ironically at her own stupidity. It was clear as day now that she was absolutely blind. It all sounded so absurd now, that made Ellie wonder if she didn’t actually lost her mind back then and maybe just now, briefly, she was recovering some semblance of logic and sense. </p><p>Dina looked sternly at her, not finding the statement funny in the slightest. “Ellie…”</p><p>Ellie shook her head. The waves of guilt and hatred were so strong, still. But it was different now. She understood that all her hatred, all her guilt was towards herself. Not the people that took Joel away from her. Not Abby, despite how much she tried to convince herself.</p><p>“Yeah. I couldn’t kill her. I didn’t lie. I had her, I was strangling her, pushing her head underwater and I saw him. I saw Joel and I let her live.” Ellie shook her head and looked at Dina with her green eyes filled with tears. “How fucked up is that? I didn’t hesitate killing all the others. Fuck, I don’t know. It suddenly made sense.”</p><p>Dina nodded and without much ceremony, she simply wiped away the lonely tear rolling down Ellie’s cheek. “Then you have your answer. It's the only reason why you’re here talking to me right now.”</p><p>Ellie raised her eyebrows in surprise, her heart giving a painful jump on her chest. “Me not killing Abby is why you have been letting me come here? Even after what I did to the others? Even after i left?”</p><p>“El, I told you. If those people were the ones that killed my sister? I would have done worse.” Dina said with seriousness. “I understood that. But JJ changed things for me. I hoped he changed things for you too, but it wasn’t like that. When you came back I needed to know if you did it. I was so fucking relieved when you said you didn’t go through with it.” She laughed nervously and sighed, the small smile of relief still present when she looked at Ellie, no trace of fear in her eyes. “That there is a part of you that didn’t <em> completely </em>lose it.”</p><p>“I feel really fucking stupid.” Ellie shook her head in annoyance.</p><p>“I guess it’s fucked up that I say this but after everything, ” Dina bit her lip for a moment, as if she was deep in thought. “You really needed to find the answer yourself.”</p><p>“When I realised that I was hoping she killed me, instead.” Ellie admitted weakly with a noncommittal shrug. “But… I don’t die.”</p><p>“You can’t do that shit anymore.” Dina stated, fire suddenly in her expression. Those words hurt, even if they were the truth. “You said you were going to try. Then <em> fucking </em>try, Ellie.”</p><p>Ellie simply looked at her apologetically. “I don’t think I can forgive myself for what I did to both of you.”</p><p>Dina pulled her hand away from Ellie’s grasp, sending a shock of pain through the taller girl’s heart. But she simply grabbed both with sudden strength, intertwining their fingers together. They were so close, Ellie could feel the intense heat of her skin, the knowing spark of mischief she hadn’t seen in Dina in such a long time that it sent a shiver down her spine, the almost forgotten warmth in her face and chest.</p><p>“Would it change anything If I said I do?” Dina asked.</p><p>“Do you?” Ellie simply asked, unable to connect more words to the sentence.</p><p>Her head was already spinning. How it all turned out so differently from what she had expected. The fear had been replaced by comfort and familiarity and now with something wild but pure, burning through her bones.</p><p>“You’re not the only one that’s a complete <em> idiot </em>here.” Dina said, leaning closer to her. Ellie could almost feel her lips moving against her skin. “Remember?”</p><p>“I… I can try."</p><p>“You have been. Just, <em>please</em>. Talk to me. You really don't have to do this on your own all the time. <em> Don’t </em> fuck this up again, Ellie. I don’t know how to say it better.”</p><p>“I won’t.” </p><p> Dina pulled away just enough to make sure Ellie had to look at her in the eye, not letting her escape. “Then prove it. <em> Stay </em>.”</p><p>Ellie’s eyes fell to Dina’s lips, so close. Her mind was buzzing with a million thoughts, thousands of voices screaming. How she didn’t deserve it, how she did everything wrong, how she was stupid and lost everything for it. But none of those thoughts were strong enough to deny reality, the weight of Dina’s arms resting on her shoulders, her pleading dark eyes, the intensity in the air and how fucking infuriating the two inches between them were. </p><p>“I am. I am here.”</p><p>And suddenly, there was no space in between them. Their lips clashed together with a raw desperation that matched how they both have been feeling for months, years even. It was pushy, messy and thorough. Arms and legs tangled in a rush, hands pulling from clothes and then digging nails on skin. Constant interruptions to just stare at each other, to make sure both of them were real and there, where they were supposed to be. </p><p>Just… existing. Together. And how that was everything they needed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Good grief this has been such a pain to write! I'm exhausted.</p><p>I will risk sounding like a broken record but damn! Thank you for reading and making it this far. We are just about to reach the end of this story and I can't describe how cathartic it was to write and how much I appreciate the kudos, comments and the overwhelming support this piece got. It has been many years since I've writen fanfiction and this also reminded me why it is so fun!</p><p>See you soon with the big finale!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. I Hope So</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>It was closed night already. Most of Jackson’s inhabitants were back home, and the town was quiet. Ellie liked it better that way, without all the fuss of comings and goings, all the laughs and shouting among neighbors.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But that didn’t mean she was going to sleep any time soon. As usual, Dina was hanging out there, currently laying on Ellie’s bed with a smug grin on her face, her dark hair tied up in a loose bun.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Really?” Ellie said, rolling her eyes in weariness. She let herself fall on the couch with a soft sound, crossing her arms. “That’s what you wanna play?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on. It’s fun!” Dina replied, suddenly sitting up on the bed and faking a pout with puppy eyes to her friend. Ellie looked away, feeling the heat creep up her cheeks. “Plus you’re still the newbie. You don’t get to pick.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s so nice of you.” Ellie spat, narrowing her eyes. “I’ve been around for almost two years. The newbie treatment is bullshit and you know it.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“A year and eleven months.” Dina corrected her, raising a finger to stress her point. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie tried to ignore the butterflies in her stomach. Dina literally counting the days since she came to Jackson for the first time made her mind wander too much and read into things. But she would never risk saying a word about it. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yet I still know jack shit about you, so…” Dina continued with a shrug. Then, she patted the bed beside her, as a clear invitation. “I’ll be cool and let you start.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Uh… okay.” Ellie sighed in defeat, shaking her head. She got up from the couch with a soft groan and joined her friend on the bed, kicking her sneakers off and crossing her legs. She made a conscious effort to not be too close to Dina. “Truth or dare?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina grinned at her, with her dark eyes sparkling mischief. “Truth.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie cursed under her breath and started to toy absentmindedly with a loose thread of the bed cover. She kept trying to think about a good question to ask, something she didn’t know about her friend. But it was like trying to navigate through thick fog, her green eyes very focused on the empty space between them.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do you like…” Ellie started, then changed her mind, biting her lip. Fucking stupid. “Living here?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina snorted at such a lame question. “You got me on the first half, I’m not gonna lie…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie rolled her eyes so hard she felt they were going to roll all the way back into her skull. She still couldn’t look at Dina, too conscious of every movement she made, every expression, every sound, how mischevious her grin was. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just… answer the stupid question.” Ellie snapped, but her lips curled up in a tiny smile.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You are so awkward is cute.” Dina said, biting her lip. Then she took a deep breath and pulled her knees up, resting her chin on them. Ellie could feel her gaze almost burning on her face. “Okay then… yeah. I do. When I first came here I wasn’t so sure but… it is nice. Most of the time.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What do you mean?” Ellie asked, forgetting about the hole in the cover she was making and noticing Dina squinting her nose, unsure. Ellie found herself counting her freckles without even noticing.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Sometimes I just… want to go outside the walls.” Dina shrugged, resting importance to it. “We do sneak out a lot. Jackson feels too good to be true. Like it wants you to forget the shit that really happens outside.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina’s voice was suddenly serious, something that didn’t happen often at all. Ellie pondered her words for a moment, pursing her lips, deep in thought.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Like you can go soft if you’re not careful. I sneak out when you do because I feel kinda trapped here so… I get it.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s the reason why I’ve been pushing to go on patrol.” Dina admitted. “Jesse goes… I’d just have to convince him to vouch for me.” Then, she stared at Ellie with a cocky expression that threatened to make the younger girl’s heart stop. “I can be convincing.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You can.” Ellie muttered in response. “It would be better than lookout duty…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Then, Dina leaned closer and punched Ellie softly on her arm, earning a fleeting but angry look from her. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I see what your game is.” Dina sentenced, narrowing her eyes dangerously. Her smile kept widening.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie simply blinked in confusion. “Huh?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You keep me talking so you don’t get to reveal your secrets.” Dina said with a hint of pride. “But It’s my turn now. You can’t escape this.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Totally trapped…” Ellie sighed. She had hoped to at least achieve that. There were too many things she couldn’t or wouldn’t even dare to talk about with Dina… it didn’t matter how much she wanted to. The grotesque scar on her right arm was suddenly very itchy.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on. Truth or dare?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie thought about it for a moment, and with a fake innocent smile, she replied. ”Uh… dare?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina simply stared at her threateningly with an expression of utter frustration. “You sneaky bitch.” Ellie chuckled. “Okay… I’m sure your old man still has that fancy whiskey stored somewhere…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie’s eyes flickered wide open in horror. “Wow. You actually want to get me killed.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But Dina simply snorted and scooted closer to her friend. She seemed suddenly very entertained with how Ellie kept looking away, fighting back the urge to simply pull back to put some distance between them. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina seemed to get a kick out of making Ellie suddenly uncomfortable, regardless if she knew what she was doing, or not.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"You’ll be fine, whiny. I’ve seen you steal things from the kitchens enough times to know you are… resourceful.” Dina winked at her, earning yet another exasperated look from the redhead. “Plus what's the worst Joel could do? Ground you? You’re sixteen. Get over it.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie knew very well that Dina wouldn’t let it go. She was adamant and stubborn and wouldn’t stop until she achieved what she was after. Ellie loved that about her, among so many other things… but she couldn’t let her mind dwell on it. She knew very well that there was simply no way Dina would see more than a friend on her. And she had to accept that since the very beginning. There were too many secrets she couldn’t share.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fuck. Okay… I just hope he is asleep or busy or… something.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Twenty minutes later, Ellie walked back inside the garage, with her heart beating fast in her chest and a heavy glass bottle on her right hand. If was fairly full, with thick amber liquid bouncing inside.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It took you awhile…” Dina said, perking an eyebrow. She stood up from the bed and approached Ellie, her eyes fixed on the recently collected bounty. “I was starting to think you wouldn’t come back.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re at my place, remember?” Ellie said with exasperation, before putting the bottle on Dina’s hands with fake weariness. “He almost caught me. Here. Knock yourself out.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why thank you.” Dina took off the cap, left it on the night table and took a big swing of the bottle, right in front of Ellie’s amazed expression. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and shook her head, producing a groan that echoed in the small garage. “Oh my god, it’s good.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina offered Ellie the bottle, who took it hesitantly. It wasn’t the first time she would drink. The other teens from the town always managed to sneak out some booze out of the kitchen or their parents cabinets for every bonfire or sneak out they arranged. But… whiskey was a bit stronger than just homemade beer. She examined the liquid inside, furrowing her nose.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Come on! Don’t chicken out. It’s not your first drink.” Dina teased, walking back to the bed and letting herself fall on the soft mattress.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie simply threw her a glance and took a big gulp from the whiskey. The liquid burned her tongue and throat, going down painfully slowly. She could feel her cheeks suddenly flare up and her eyes sting with tears, but the feeling wasn’t unpleasant at all. It just… burned. A lot.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Holy shit. It’s like… my throat is on fire.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You get used to it. Better than that crappy beer we had last time.” Dina pointed out with a gesture of her head.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie nodded in agreement. Despite the burn, the taste rolled on her tongue and it was nice. She decided it was her to go drink from now on, if she managed to find some for them. She took a smaller sip this time, letting the warmth in her chest take over for a minute, before going back to the bed. She gave the bottle to Dina and sat down in front of her.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay then… truth or dare?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Truth.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina took a sip from the bottle and Ellie tried to fight back the urgency she suddenly felt of looking at Dina’s neck, the muscles moving under her skin, her closed eyes, the pink on her cheeks.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Do you um… do you like Jesse?” Ellie asked shily, not sure if she wanted to know the answer or not.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She had noticed it, of course. They hanged out together too often not to. How Dina’s demeanor changed around him, despite being a constant flirt to literally everyone, she noticed Jesse was kind of her focus at the time. She wasn’t jealous though, despite being well aware of her feelings. It was futile to be.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Now that’s a good question.” Dina said, pointing at her with the same hand she held the bottle. “I mean he’s a great guy… Handsome, too. Maybe I do.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie made a noncommittal sound with her throat. Not having any expectations didn’t mean her words didn’t hurt. “Figures.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That picked Dina’s interest right away. She stared at her friend, with a knowing smile and her dark eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Why? You like him?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie snorted. “No! He’s… not my type.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Ohhh… and who is your type?” Dina rearranged herself on the bed, resting her elbow on one knee and her face on her hand, blinking several times in an interested demeanor.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span> Ellie looked away, slightly annoyed at the jumps her heart was making. She took the bottle and played with it for a moment, comforted by the soft glass under her fingertips.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I didn’t say truth.” She said, her voice low.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“New rules.” Dina clapped her hands once and leaned even closer. “Truth or truth.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“That’s so not fair.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Life ain’t fair, babe.” Dina smile grew even wider and Ellie couldn’t even stand it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re a dick.” Ellie proceeded to squeeze her brains into coming up with a decent answer. An answer that didn’t involve telling Dina she was her type, in every sense of the expression. Instead… she still took a risk. “Uhm… okay. C-cat? Maybe?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There was a second in which Ellie’s breath got caught up in her chest. There was shock in Dina’s gaze for a brief moment, then replaced by slight exasperation. Ellie had no idea what to make of that reaction.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh. Well I guess she’s pretty, in her own way. So your type is… artsy nerds then.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I guess. Yeah.” Ellie shrugged. She hated how hot her face felt.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“A bit pretentious though.” Dina pursed her lips in a mock.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What? That’s bullshit.” Ellie wasn’t sure the booze was going to make her cool down at all. She simply kept toying with her fingers on the soft glass.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I mean, you draw too and you’re surely more skilled than her yet you don’t brag about it like she does.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You never seen my drawings. How would you know?” Ellie replied in suspicion.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“You get so focused when you do it that I could totally sneak peek your work.” Dina winked at her, sending Ellie’s stomach in a backflip. “It’s like the entire world disappears when you’re working on that damn journal of yours.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie kept her eyes focused on the glass of the bottle. An overwhelming dread washed over her, threatening to crush her chest in aprehension. If Dina knew that… what else did she know?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Did… you read it?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina laughed it off, with a displiscent gesture of her hand. “How could I? Your drawings are good but your handwriting is shit.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good to know…” Ellie sighed to herself. The wave of relief made her feel dizzy. She decided that she should keep her writing a mess, just in case. Better safe than sorry.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, I’m not a creep.” Dina said with all the seriousness she could muster, as she took the bottle from Ellie’s hands. Her cheeks were so pink, the younger girl couldn’t stop looking at her. “I’m just messing with you. It’s your privacy. It’s just… you’re so mysterious all the time it’s hard to not be… intrigued.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie didn’t exactly know how to reply to that. She wanted to tell Dina… but there was just so much not even she could get her head wrapped around. How was she supposed to address it? Dina wouldn’t even believe she was immune in the first place. That she came all the way from Boston with a man she didn’t know, who suddenly turned out to be the closest she could think of a father figure? That she had murdered people in cold blood, even being just a kid? That she had wanted to die when Riley turned and she couldn’t put her out of her misery as she promised?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No. There was just too much shit. She didn’t want Dina’s opinion to be tainted. She didn’t want her to think Ellie was some kind of wild, feral animal trapped in a cage, capable of doing horrifying things.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She just wanted to be… Ellie. And that made her wonder if she wasn’t, in the end, a resultant of all that bad events in her past.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She was thinking too much. And she hated dwelling on all that, because it made her go down the rabbit hole so fast she wasn’t sure she could come back out.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So, as usual, she deflected. “I don’t try to be. I just… I don’t know. Isn’t it my turn?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Uh, dodgy much? Go on.” Dina snorted and rolled her eyes</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“What… are you afraid of?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie wasn’t exactly sure of what pushed her to ask the question. Dina always seemed so fearless, so strong… and her heart kept pounding in her chest with the most recent scare of her thoughts been read, so.. why not?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are we afraid of anything anymore?” Dina shrugged. She offered the bottle to Ellie, who decided she really needed a swing after this. “I mean… I guess seeing people I care about die, but… It’s shit how you get used to it.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The burning of the whiskey in her chest didn’t kill all the feelings her answer spawned. Ellie sighed. “I… can’t get used to it. If it was me, dying is easy. Watching it happen to other people it’s not.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>With a sigh, Dina let herself fall back on the bed, resting her head on the pillow. She motioned broadly at the other side of the bed and maybe it was the booze, making Ellie feel warm and suddenly a bit more brave, but she left the bottle on the nightstand and laid down next to Dina, so they were facing each other.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina blinked in confusion at her, her brow furrowing. “You’re not afraid of dying?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ellie shrugged. “No. If you die you’re just… gone.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No… life after death kind of deal?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That question painfully reminded her of her last conversation with Sam, so long ago. How the kid had confided his deepest fears, how he hoped there was something else beyond all the death, pain and decay they had witnessed. After everything they had done. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And how Ellie didn’t know her last words to him were literally the last thing he would hear from another person.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Her answer hadn’t change. If anything, it got even more ingrained in her beliefs. There was nothing after this. And maybe, after all the horrible things she did… it was better that heaven wasn’t a thing in any case. There was no place for someone like her in it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’d like to believe it exists but… I don’t think so, no.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“If you’re not afraid of dying… what are you afraid of?” Dina asked, her voice weak, almost a whisper. There was a glimpse of pain and concern in her gaze.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m…” Ellie started, but had to stop for a second to gather her thoughts. It was suddenly really hard to think, laying down so close to Dina. Her dark eyes were fixed on Ellie’s face and it made it all even harder. She looked away, with a sigh. “Ending up alone? That… scares me.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When her eyes stumbled back on Dina, she couldn’t help to reciprocate the smile the dark haired girl was giving to her. It was distracting, beautiful and tempting in ways Ellie couldn’t quite describe. But it was reassuring, too.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Dina simply scooted closer, sending a chill down Ellie’s spine. The dark haired girl rested her head on her shoulder and Ellie swallowed audibly, awkwardly surrounding her with her arms. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Friends did this all the time, right? Dina was touchy with everyone, always carefree. She had no idea there were many reasons for Ellie’s smile to grow wide, letting herself enjoy the moment, for once.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Good thing you’re stuck with me then.” Dina said playfully. “You’re not going to get rid of me so easily.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I hope so…” Ellie whispered, and hoped Dina didn’t hear the desire in her voice.</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie was awake. For the first time in months, or even years, she didn’t wake up startled by her own screams and shakiness. She didn’t wake up with her heart racing, her skin hurting, her throat closed in a strangled shout of panic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the first time, her dreams were not nightmares but something comforting and soothing, memories of better days. Hope for the future, instead of dread of the past.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie knew she was conscious, but didn’t dare to open her eyes yet. She was drowning in the warmth and comfort surrounding her, the blanket barely wrapped around her naked frame, the familiar but almost forgotten weight on her shoulder. The warmth that surrounded her middle, the feeling of Dina’s lips barely parted, caressing her collarbone with ghost kisses every now and then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a brief moment, she was afraid that if she opened her eyes, it would all disappear. Just like that, in a second, she could be pulled down a dark, cold hole in her mind again. She could definitely wake up and find herself there, staring at Joel dying once more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But reality disagreed, for a change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie’s eyes fluttered open at the sudden tickles on her skin. She released a tired but contempt sigh and closed them again, focusing on how the goosebumps crawled on her arms and her neck. It was a pleasant feeling she had almost forgotten.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina’s fingertips were lazily tracing the scar on her side, now healed, yet still the skin looked fragile and tender. The irregular bevel of the terrible stitches she gave herself months and months ago burned under her touch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can ask.” Ellie said, opening one eye and looking at Dina’s serious face. She couldn’t help but grin at her tired dark eyes, her black hair in a tangled mess.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There are so many… I’m not sure If i </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>wanna know.” Dina breathed, her eyes focused on the soft motions her fingertips did over the beaten up skin. She then raised her head to look at Ellie’s face, and her expression softened. “Did I wake you up?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mind.” Ellie shrugged, taking a moment to rearrange a loose strand of Dina’s hair behind her ear. “It’s good to know I didn’t dream last night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That made Dina chuckle and narrow her eyes. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re such a sap</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you wanted me to open up. That’s what I get in return? Unacceptable.” Ellie faked offense with a pout, but it lasted a fraction of second on her face, erased to oblivion by the kiss that came right after.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fair enough. I guess I should do the same, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It… would be nice.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They stared at each other for a moment, like they had done most of the night. It still seemed quite surreal. Dina opened her mouth to say something, taking a deep breath… But a whimper coming from upstairs caught their attention right away, their gaze suddenly flying towards the hall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Saved by the bell… or the baby.” Dina sighed and Ellie’s grin only went wider. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a moment of hesitation, Dina untangled herself from Ellie and got up from the couch. It took a few seconds to find her clothes, scattered around the floor and the coffee table, every now and then narrowing her eyes at Ellie, who was pretending to look the other way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, wait… What happens now?” Ellie asked, as soon as Dina walked towards the stairs. As much as she wanted to treasure this moment, and not address the elephant in the room, she needed to know. “I mean…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happens now is: that you will go to the kitchen and make breakfast because I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>starving</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Dina simply said with a displiscent gesture of her hand, looking over her shoulder in mischief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, smartass.” Ellie rolled her eyes in exhaustion and proceeded to get dressed too, with haste. “And after that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dina seemed to think about it for a moment. She tapped her chin with one finger in pretence, and Ellie wasn’t sure if she hated the anticipation or if she loved it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, Dina perked an eyebrow at her. “I don’t see why you have a reason to fix that window on the garage anymore. Do you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie stopped buttoning her shirt and simply looked at Dina, with a hint of fear she tried to hide. Her heart skipped a beat almost painfully at those words and her insides turned and twisted, suddenly full of butterflies. “Is… that what you want?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s what I’ve always wanted.” Dina pursed her lips in sadness. “So… don’t fuck it up? Please?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie nodded, understanding. There was still a lot of work to be done on her end, and she knew it. But she was willing to try, harder than she ever tried before. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Never again.” Ellie said with all the seriousness she could muster, despite the smile on her face and the warm feeling in her chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Dina said, smiling. She pointed at Ellie with one authoritarian finger. “Breakfast.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ellie chuckled and watched Dina rush to the stairs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Joel killed the Fireflies, her purpose was destroyed. She wasn’t going to save the world. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Abby killed Joel, her purpose was erased, leaving no one left to forgive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the beach, she realised her purpose couldn’t be revenge, because there was nothing after that but a void of emptiness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a little part of herself that was saved and in the end, it meant more than she dared to hope. Her mercy prevailed over her wrath and thanks to that, her humanity was still there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And if that could give Dina and JJ what they needed and what they wanted, that would be enough.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As long as she was still breathing and <em>trying...</em> it would be enough.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What. A. Ride. Oh my god</p><p>I started working on this last chapter like a week ago and I just couldn't put in it all the ideas I had. At some point, it was like twenty pages long and it extended over time and it was insane to try to put it all together. Too many approaches, too many scenes. It had been a while since the flow of creativity hit me this hard, at the point of filling my drive with dozens of research docs, drafts and dialog. So, if you liked this story... I'd love to see you around for the next one I'm already working on, a direct sequel to Still Breathing (hence the "series" thing i just added!) It wont be as long (I hope) but if the words flow... why not let them do their thing?</p><p>I said this a million times but I have to repeat it: Thank you. Thank you for reading until the end, for being patient, for your lovely comments, the kudos and the support you gave me through this cathartic process. I had no expectations at all by publishing this story and the response just blew my mind. So, once again, thank you for reading.</p><p>You also can always yell at me at www.twitter.com/mai_queti where i usually post art, talk about videogames and cry over fictional characters.</p><p>See you around!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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